SIL depression

[Anonymous]

My DH's sister suffers from depression. We don't live in the same city and my DH is very worried about her. he tries to reach out to her, but she seems to get upset with him easily. She asked him for a large sum of money a few months ago and he started asking her question about what she needs it for, etc. She said she's low on money for rent, and then stopped talking to him as she said that he's asking too many questions and making her justify what she needs the money for. So the past couple of months she will not return any calls, emails, etc. He is worried about her. Now we are going for a visit and she refuses to see us. DH feels guilty now that he started asking questions, he should have just given her what she wanted and he is generally worried about her. His parents live in the same city as her but she will not see them either. I don't know how to help - does anyone have suggestions?

[Anonymous]

If you are giving anyone money, you have every right to know hat the money is being used for.

Is it helping or hurting her to give her money, I wonder?

[Anonymous]

Your husband's sister needs a full mental health evaluation if she does not have a doctor. If this is true and she does not have much fund, being sure his parents know where an uninsured or low income person in their community can go for a MH screening might help. If she does have a doctor, then encouraging her to get an appointment to discuss any changes in her life. If she is on medication and not taking it, this could also be a cause for the downturn.

In any case, I agree you do not just give funds blindly. You could tell her that you would pay for her to go to see her present or new doctor and/or medication if you are able to do so for a period of time till she gets back on her feet Getting her appropriate medical care is really the key to her turning her life around. Would she qualify for Medicaid health insurance coverage or under the new Affordable Care Act if she lacks health insurance. If so, helping her to sign up by the March 31st deadline is important.

In terms of finances, I would not send her money as it would just go down a blind hole. I would see if she qualifies for any benefits through the local Department of Social Services including: TANF, SNAP (Formerly Food Stamps) and/or any other services. Another thought would be to see if she needs assistance applying for Social Security Disability Insurance - SSDI if she has worked in the past and would qualify for this financial benefit.

If she refuses any and all suggestions on getting help with her present mental health issues and/or applying for financial assistance, then as you may have the means to do so, you might ask her for direct information to pay her rent bill or basic utility bill for a given period of time. Similarly, you could buy her a gift card for a local food store weekly for a period of time. But to be clear, things will not improve greatly unless your SIL is able to take a first step and realize she needs help.

[Anonymous]

Remember that depression distorts thinking. Distorted thinking leads to distorted feelings.

If she isn't a moocher it may have taken everything she had to reach out and ask for help with her rent. For someone feeling hopeless and helpless, not being able to make ends meet is one more blow that just makes all the self hatred and shame and guilt worse. Then she may have perceived his reaction as uncaring, unsupportive and it may have reinforced her perception that she is all alone, that no one will help her, that she isn't worth it to anyone.

If she is severely depressed, she likely doesn't have the energy to work through this with you. the actions reinforced her perception that no one really cares about her so she has withdrawn and isolated further.

Seeing people and being expected on carry on conversations especially when those include having your life scrutinized are pretty much impossible for someone who is severely depressed. It isn't just mood that is impacted by depression.

[Anonymous]

OP here. 11:13, my husband agrees with what you are describing - he also thinks she has now perceived his reaction as unsupportive, leaving her all alone. This is why he feels guilty and wishes he just gave her the money, as now she has shut him out completely. He just doesn't know how to proceed from here, how to even talk with her.