Epic failure as a parent
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Anonymous
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I just got word that my MS kid has been suspended from school for wandering the halls without a pass: the third suspension in less than a year. I am really at a loss, since neither I nor my husband was ever suspended for anything. Heck, I never even saw the inside of the VP's office! My spouse's father would have beaten him within an inch of his life if he had been suspended, and mine would have grounded me for months. But the authoritarian approach just doesn't work with this kid: the last time we tried, she ran away, during a major snowstorm, no less.
I don't really want any suggestions. This was a school offense, and the school is right to impose its consequences. But I am angry and deeply, deeply ashamed of her behavior. Just need to put that out there. |
Anonymous
| I don't have any suggestions, but just wanted to say, I'm sorry, OP. I hope things get better. |
Anonymous
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Maybe you could try a less authoritarian approach. Say, talking to her about how concerned you are. I would actually say to my child exactly what you said here - "angry and deeply, deeply ashamed of her behavior" - and go from there. Try to focus less on punishment and more on the future - what happens if she gets expelled? what does she want to do after she graduates, if she makes it that far? why is she wandering the halls in the first place?
I say this as a former rebellious kid who saw a lot of the inside of our dean's office. I was genuinely bored. I ended up quitting calculus and moving into an elective psychology class that I liked a lot more and started working on the school paper. I won't say I never got in trouble again, but I did graduate, with good grades. |
Anonymous
| Why doesn't she like school? She's clearly not engaged if she is wandering the halls -- not even skipping school to have fun with friends. Maybe she needs to be in a different school or you need to work with her on school more -- doing homework, planning, asking her about her teachers or getting her enrolled in after school activities. My two cents. |
Anonymous
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that doesn't sound epic...she didn't pull a knife on someone or sell drugs, right?
sit down non-confrontationally and find out what she wants, what's bugging her etc. all kids rebel, some are just better at not getting caught. is there anything else brewing, a break up? friend problems? eating disorder? depression? is school rattling her? lack of something like music, a job etc, anything she'd put energy into? move on from this quickly. find something she really wants to do, a trip, a camp, lessons, anything. make her understand she needs to clean up her behavior and it can be hers. lots of positive reinforcment and encouragement. |
Anonymous
Sorry, I posted before I saw 12:25's second paragraph. I agree! |
Anonymous
| What does she like to do? |
Anonymous
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Not epic failure as a parent - epic failure as a kid. While this doesn't seem like a "big" deal, it is a disturbing pattern. And you mention running away. This kid clearly needs something. What were the other 2 suspensions for? What is her general personality like? Has it always been this way? Does she have any adults she can talk to/confide in?
Your reaction needs to be tempered. Yes, she needs to know you are angry but that has to be clearly overshadowed by the fact that she needs to know you are worried. More anger and more punishment will keep pushing her away instead of giving her a way to open up. Back every bit of school punishment but look for something, anything that will break through to her. Don't focus on your feelings. It's not about you and she'll really resent you if you spin it that way. It's about her and you need to get to the bottom of it. |
Anonymous
I'd think something is going on at school, unless she was hanging out with friends (may have left that out to cover for them). Middle school is a terrible time to be a female, please be there for her. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like something is going on here. Continuously wandering the halls -- in other words skipping class -- and running away. She sounds like she is disturbed in some way. I think you really should have her screened for depression and/or substance abuse. I don't think it ever hurts to bring in professional support and it sounds like she's on the verge of crisis. |
Anonymous
12:25 here. I actually disagree with this. I think OP and her husband should talk to their daughter and ask her what's going on. OP didn't mention what they've tried other than the authoritarian approach. It was really helpful for me to have my parents talk to me about what was going on in my head. It signaled that they cared about that and cared about what MY assessment was. I also saw a therapist, but I would not jump straight from "authoritarian approach/ultimatums" to "you are disturbed and going to therapy". I knew a lot of girls whose parents did that when they demonstrated what was, in 1995, fairly normal rocknroll behavior. Many of those girls ended up in WORSE situations and/or committed to teen psych centers before they turned 16 years old. A little compassion goes a long way. There's plenty of time to call doctors later. |
Anonymous
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You don't give us much background but the behavior sounds a lot like my older sister. In middle school, she felt totally estranged from the mainstream and started cutting class. (Actually leaving campus, though.) My parents grounded her constantly, my mom yelled (and my mom was terrifying when she yelled), and the whole family really suffered.
My sister was extremely, EXTREMELY bright, and not a natural conformer. Ages 12-16 were very hard on her and on my mom. College was a godsend. She started at 17 (she'd skipped a grade early on) and suddenly found herself able to be independent and focus on the things that really interested her. She created her own major, graduated with honors, and was never again a minute's trouble to my parents. I'm not saying this is what always happens, of course. But your story really reminded me of my sister. I know for a fact that if my mom had it all to do over again, she'd have listened more and yelled a lot less. My sister was really miserable. |
Anonymous
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Ashamed for wandering the halls? Seems like ashamed isn't appropriate. She must have mouthed-off or something. And also you didn't do it. Stop feeling ashamed.
My guess is DD hadn't done the work, wasn't prepared and didn't want to be in class. Ask her - if she could drop one class in her schedule, what would it be? Then do it. I don't care what class it is, I bet there's a way to complete it later if needed. Do this without judgement. Do it to empower her. Then if this is a unique school in any way - too small, too specialized, too insular, consider going public. |
Anonymous
| I would wonder what is going on at school. I would be concerned that she is being bullied, no friends, struggling academically where she needs support. Usually there is a reason behind the behavior and I would work to figure that out. |
Anonymous
I strongly disagree with the bolded. Epic failure of a kid at that age does equal "epic failure as a parent". HOWEVER, I don't think OP is an epic failure based on her post but I am curious about how DD got to this point and what's going on. 3 suspensions in less than a year (the year is just halfway over and let's be real-we haven't had much school since Dec.) is not normal. I understand the need for compassion and not wanting to kick someone while they're down. But let's be real here. Something's going on and parenting has something to do with it. Parenting is a TON of work. It's challenging and we all make mistakes even as we try to get it right. But we need to be real here. There is a problem and OP needs to correct it. SOON! |