Newborn and marital satisfaction
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Anonymous
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First time mom of newborn here, 8 weeks post partum. I had read a lot about how a newborn is hard on a marriage/decreases marital satisfaction for awhile, and am experiencing this now. We had been married 12 years before the baby, so there is a big adjustment.
Baby still isn't sleeping well at night (1.5-2 hour stretches) and barely naps during the day. Husband was back to work after 2 weeks, works 70 hour weeks plus some weekends. I do almost all the night shifts from 10 pm - 9 am (except once a week on weekend) so husband can sleep uninterrupted in guest room and be rested for work. I do almost all the household chores to the best of my ability right now. Husband does his fair share of childcare and chores to the best of his ability given his work schedule. We don't have any local family and are currently looking for a babysitter so I can get things done around the house for a few hours per week and maybe even have a date night once in awhile. I miss having time to ourselves and feeling more connected. Husband seems stressed most of the time and doesn't seem to be in a very good mood most of the time. What else can I be doing to work on feeling more connected while having a newborn? What has worked for others? |
Anonymous
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If you have the money, get help. We were fortunate enough to have family in the area as well as friends who helped a ton. But hire someone to clean and take your baby out for a bit. At that age, I found it was really easy to go out to restaurants with DH and DS because he pretty much slept in his car seat or snuggled with one of us.
Make some in home date nights. Get some delivery with paper plates and plastic silverware, pop in a movie and just relax. Or don't pop in a movie and just talk. |
Anonymous
| We co-slept in those early days so that DH and I could sleep in the same room. All of us slept pretty well, as I would wake to nurse and fall back to sleep while nursing. DH and I could maintain some physical closeness, if just to hold hands or touch shoulders at night. Definitely doesn't work for everyone, but it gave us a sense of intimacy and connection. |
Anonymous
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First, congratulations on the baby!
Second, having a newborn is a huge stress on the marriage. Automatically forgive each other for anything said in the next couple of months. The lack of sleep and the stress of keeping up with life is very hard. If you want to re-connect, talk about anything other than the baby. At 9pm if you are still awake, put the TV on mute and just chat. Or make out. I think he should move back into the master bedroom so you both go to bed at the same time and in the same place. PS. 70hr work weeks with a newborn in the house is just nuts. Is there anyway he could cut back temporarily? |
Anonymous
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DH came back to our bed around 8 weeks which was nice. At that point DS was in our room and when he woke I fed him and put him right back to sleep so it didn't bother DH. At 12 weeks we moved him to his room which was great so we could chat in bed, no more whispering and tiptoeing around while baby was sleeping.
That works schedule sounds insane. My baby is 14 weeks and I couldn't survive without handing DS off to DH when he gets home so I can shower, make dinner, relax. Not to mention that your DH needs bonding time too. My DH does bedtime every night and they take a bath together twice a week. Stuff like that may help your DH feel more connected. In a few weeks your baby will be more reactive, smiling, cooing, etc which should help!! I find sending DH blog posts or dcum threads about how crazy the newborn stage can be helps because he finds it hard to believe that all of this craziness is normal. Good luck and try to get some help!! |
Anonymous
| Pp here DH and I prep breakfast on weekends as soon as DS gets up and then eat a big lazy breakfast while DS takes his morning nap. We look forward to it all week! We also get take out Fridays and Saturdays and try to watch one show together (or a movie in 3 or 4 parts!!) |
Anonymous
| The suggestions sound good but I think the main thing is to wait it out!! It took us a long time to get back into our groove, and over 2 year to get our sex life back due to breastfeeding hormones that killed my libido. |
Anonymous
| Oh and definitely get help if you can.... |
Anonymous
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Tell your DH how you are feeling and try to plan to do something together (even if it's just watching a TV show on the weekend). Or, maybe all three of you do something together -- brunch out (hopefully the baby will just nurse and sleep), or watch a TV show together while baby is nursing/napping on you?
Also, remind each other that it won't be this rough forever and that someday, hopefully not too far in the future, the baby will be sleeping 10-12 hours a night and you guys can have both sleep and time together. Hang in there! |
Anonymous
| With all the sleep your husband is getting he should be in a great mood. All his extra hours and his crabbiness makes me really wonder if he has a girlfriend. He should be loving when he is home and enjoying you and the baby. He should also do things like grocery shopping or arranging to have food delivered. I would demand his attitude shape up. |
Anonymous
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Having a newborn is really stressful for everyone. Right now, I'd focus just on getting through the day. Hiring help sounds good. Remember a great thing to do when you have help is sleep. It will make everything easier to handle.
I'd also start building a mom network through moms clubs, meet ups, etc. Even though no lasting friendships came out of it, I found it useful to go to those types of meeting while on Maternity leave. Before I made an effort to leave the house every day, I felt really isolated. Finally, your husbands work schedule is insane but I'm guessing not easily changed. Helping him get as involved as possible will help him understand what you're going through. I like the idea of forwarding blog posts. I subscribed to some patenting magazines even though it was just the same advice Id already obsessively read online twenty times. My DH would page through a mag but never read a whole book or even worse a mommy blog. And most importantly, hand off your baby for at least some time every day and let your husband figure out his own way if parenting. Pump milk and let him feed, let him soothing if the baby is crying, etc. |
Anonymous
Let's get real, most guys don't really enjoy their baby until 3-4 months if not much later. |
Anonymous
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If your DH works 70+ hours a week, then he makes enough money so you can afford a night nurse or help during the day.
If one parent is going to basically "opt out' of the newborn phase, then you have to hire another adult to pick up the slack. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to get some sleep, or you are going to be a high risk for PPD. Can DH take over on the weekends?
This is the time to throw money at the problem. Hire a housekeeper, weekly if possible. Hire a mother's helper if you are uncomfortable getting a babysitter. You are not getting a break and are not getting support from your husband, so you need to get help yourself. Also, can you fly in family or friends (ones that have already had children, so can empathize) to help you out? |
Anonymous
| I raised 5 kids and never had any outside help. You women are pathetic. |