What happened to my sweet six year old?

[Anonymous]

And who is this new child who has moved into our house? Defiant, obstinant, back-talking, etc, etc. Insists on his way and challenges me on just about everything. Hysterics when he does not get his way.

Guidance, please?

[Anonymous]

Firm healthy boundaries, consistantly. He needs to obey his parents. Liking you is optional. Especially now.

[Anonymous]

+1 to 21:02. Boundaries and consistency are the cornerstone of most successful parenting strategies, IMO.
But in terms of how to potentially stop some of the hysterics, drama, or conflict on a tactical level during day to day life, I have a few ideas. You may be doing some/all of these already, or you may decide they don't work for your family or mesh with your views on how to parent, so feel free to take what works for you and leave the rest

1. Are the rules/family expectations or whatever else you want to call them clear to him? If not, some of his behavior could be basically either seeking boundaries or confusion/anger at (to his mind) sudden arbitrary rules imposed on him. At this age I really recommend the KISS principle for rules - keep it short and simple. And a relatively small number of rules, especially if he is having trouble following them.

2. How does he do with transitions? Those are big-time meltdown traps for many young kids… Maybe try to give him some advance warning, a countdown timer, or if you’re really super organized a routine/schedule (pictorial if he’s not yet an independent reader or with some sight words he’s really comfortable with).

3. Would it be possible or desirable to give him some more choices in his daily routine? You say that he “insists on his way and challenges [you] on almost everything”, so I’m wondering if he perhaps feels that he has no control of his life and is acting out in an attempt to gain more autonomy. I’m not saying he should have control over a lot at 6, and I’m certainly not suggesting that he be allowed to run the house, those things would NOT be allowed in my house either – but if he fights you on things like breakfast or what to wear or what homework subject to do first, maybe you could let him choose between several alternatives you find acceptable.

4. For the disrespect and backtalk, maybe try telling him something like “That was disrespectful, and in our family we are respectful when we talk to each other. Let’s try again.” You could model how to say whatever he said more respectfully and then have him repeat it. If you do it consistently, over time it might slowly teach him how to speak more respectfully.

6. For the general atmosphere of him being obstinate, whiny, and even perhaps a bit difficult to deal with, I know you probably try this already and I’m sure you want to reach through the computer and smack me for suggesting it as if it’s just so easy when you’ve already had it up to here and your head just might explode, but I found that when I tried to reflect the attitude I wanted to see it was very helpful. For example, try to phrase most things in the positive, and find at least some time pretty frequently to do something fun with the kids (and if you can swing it without going insane, messy is always a bonus in the kids’ eyes). Try to begin or end the day with some sort of positive ritual that lets you guys connect with love and happiness even if you spent the entire previous 12 hours driving each other absolutely nuts – can you tell I’ve been there ?

7. Just some final thought. Again, I’m sure you checked these, but how’s his:
- level of activity?
- amount of sleep?
- average diet? (loads of sugar or sometimes food dye/preservatives can make some kids rather hyper)
- engagement at school? (if he has a hard time sitting still and quietly for that long he’s probably using home as a safe place to blow off steam, if he has too much or too little challenge completing schoolwork he may be exhibiting his frustration through inappropriate behavior at home, social difficulties could be causing stress which leads to unacceptable behavior, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Hormones! They get their first major wash of hormones about this age. You'll see weight gain and height and then a lot of developmental advances soon. Molars coming in. Good luck! It passes.

[Anonymous]

Usually they are gone all day now to school, and they see a lot of other kids' behavior (good and bad). They are tired and they want to push new boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your comments, especially the detail from the PP on how best to handle. I will make it, I know, and so will he!