Widowed, mid-40s, any hope for me on the new relationship front?
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Anonymous
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Go ahead DCUM, give me a realistic perspective of my dating market value. I can take it (I think).
Here's my summary: I was widowed 4 years ago and am now 44 with a 7-year old daughter. I've spent the last few years dealing with the loss and trying to create a happy home for my girl. We have a lot of family close by with cousins her age and spend a lot of time with them. I'm active in her school (volunteering, PTO) and she does many sports and activities that I shuttle her back and forth to every weekend. She occasionally talks about missing her dad, naturally, but overall she is a pretty well-adjusted kid. As she gets older and I get some distance from my DH's passing I've been wondering about trying to date again. I'm too busy to be truly lonely most of the time but I miss having a companion. But when I think about dating I get depressed at the idea of starting all over again, and also wonder if anybody I'd be interested in would be interested in me back. Ideally I'd like to meet someone close to my own age, probably also with kids, but every thread I've seen in DCUM about dating women in their 40s is so negative. And when you throw in the baggage of being a widow - I don't know. I have some good things going for me in addition to a great kid - I have a good career, own a great home (and a rental), am financially stable, and have a nice circle of friends. I'm reasonably attractive; still as slender as I was in college and maintaining OK lookswise, though I sure don't get the attention on the streets now that I got in my 20s and 30s! I guess I sort of feel like I'm way past my prime, a bit worn with tragedy and the stress of solo parenting, and not up to the rigors of the dating world. Is this a realistic view, or just nerves talking? |
Anonymous
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I don't think anyone sees being a widow as baggage.
I think people do see being divorced as potentially having baggage, especially if there are children involved, because it means that the ex will always be in the picture. So don't despair. |
Anonymous
| OP sorry for your loss. What happened to DH? I hope you find lots of happiness. |
Anonymous
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You're all nerves.
Hey, have you considered reading Carole Radziwill's book about a widow's guide to dating? Might be right up your alley. How much baggage you have from being a widow is a sliding scale. Are you still wearing your wedding ring? When your daughter gets 100 on a test she studied hard for, do you say "Daddy and I are so proud of you!" or "I'm so proud of you"? Can you get through a party without bringing up your late husband? You actually may be a good candidate for going to a matchmaker. They will weed out the people who want to date a cougar, and find you someone at your maturity level (part of being mature is understanding the older we are, the more history we have). |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm 48 and in a relationship now, but when I was single at 45, I had no problem getting dates. You just need to put yourself out there while you're shuttling your DD to her activities. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the replies. DH had cancer. It was very quick, barely 10 months from diagnosis to his death. I think the first two years after was just me trying to wrap my brain around the fact that it happened at all.
I don't think I talk too much about DH socially, or with DD. Mostly I try to reference him to let others (especially DD) know that I'm OK with him being talked about, that he's not a subject they need to avoid in my presence. For example when DD and I went skiing recently I told her she took after her dad, not me, because her balance is so good. I try to only refer to happy things and good memories, not put any lingering sadness onto other people. I wore my wedding ring for about a year after, but not since. I occasionally think of getting it made into something else but I can't quite bring myself to alter it. Maybe that is a red flag... I've never heard of Carole Radziwill's book so will look it up, thanks! |
Anonymous
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I think you have a great shot because being a widow is less baggage than having an ex.
I think you would connect best, though, with a widower. There's a group but I don't know the name of it…a bereavement group... |
Anonymous
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I was in your shoes several years ago. I was windowed when I was 34 and our daughter was one, and didn't start dating until she was seven. She's 11 now, and I'm in a great relationship - not married, but happy.
Couple of thoughts - I had to start letting my closest friends know that I was ready, and I found out that several had men from their neighborhood, work, etc who they had wanted to set me up with. It never came up because no one wanted to push me, and they thought I was okay on my own. But it was nice that there were immediate (awkward, unfulfilling) options when I was ready. After I worked my way though the initial friend-of-a-friend dates, I finally ventured into internet dating. It was new for me, and kind of hard to put myself out there. I went on five first dates before I met my now boyfriend/partner, who I clicked with right away. He's seven years older than me, divorced, and really wonderful. We're taking it slow, but he brings a lot of happiness to my life and I'm grateful to have met him. |
Anonymous
| Middle aged widowed people are highly coveted because they are the only people in that age group whose single status is not their fault. So don't worry about that. You also sound like a nice unpretentious person who still looks pretty good. I think you will do well. |
Anonymous
OP here - this is interesting, I haven't done this (yet). I have thought about it and then felt a little embarrassed about bringing up the subject. I keep waiting for it to evolve naturally and it never does because no one wants to push me, lol. I work from home and everyone in my circle of friends is married, so I pretty much never meet potential dates naturally in any of my regular activities.
Thanks PP 
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Anonymous
| OP have you thought about eharmony or match? I think you would be a good candidate for either and would find nice men. |
Anonymous
I've thought about those sites - just need to get over the initial intimidation at putting myself out there. eHarmony seems better in that not just anyone can see your profile (at least I think that is the case). |
Anonymous
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OP, I found your posts very dear and honest and open. And very refreshing. Life is 5% stuff that happens, and, 95% how you react to it. Or something like that.
It seems like you have already succeeded on the 95%! So already you have an A grade! Put yourself out there. Yup, there are some jerks(but there were jerks out there when you were a teenager, right?) Take things at your own pace. Even if Price Charming rides in, I am sure your daughter will always be your main priority. Cheers to you!!! |
Anonymous
| OP, I am very similar to you. I am 45, was widowed about 5 years ago. I have been dating a very nice man who I met on match. It was tough for me to get out there and I took my time so my child and I could heal. I took it very slow and was very picky about who I met. I will say that I met a number of nice people...I think just go into it with caution and be prepared to screen out a lot of people. Good luck to you! |
Anonymous
That's very kind PP, thank you!
Very encouraging to hear from someone who's been there (as well as PP above who was widowed at 34) ... thank you both. It is a long road, nice to know others have spent as much time recovering and managed to move on. |