What to do about shopaholic MIL spoiling children
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Anonymous
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DH stepmother is a wonderful grandmother, the only one my children essentially have. (My mother died 10 yrs ago and other MIL is not involved in our lives). The stepmother is wonderful in so many ways. I talk to her on phone or text with her everyday. They live about 6 hrs away but come to visit every 6 weeks and stay for a few days. Every time they come she buys the children whatever they want. She is a shopaholic in general and feels a rush from the swipe of the CC. If we were just talking about a small item I would be ok with it probably but we are talking about the big lego sets for my son or two of the medium size. At least $100 on Legos for him every 6 weeks. The kids now just expect it. The playroom is overflowing with crap. I look in there and all I see is crap from her. I have tried asking her to please refrain from buying stuff but it's almost compulsive at this point. I also think it's like the people that hide dog treats in their pocket to win over the puppy. She wants them to love her visits and doesn't seem to realize they would be happy just spending time with her.
Any one dealt with this? I am at the end of my rope. |
Anonymous
| "Nana, I am troubled that the children are looking forward to your visits so that they can get new toys, rather than focusing on spending time with you. Please refrain from buying them any gifts this year except for Christmas and birthdays. I do not want them to grow up entitled and looking for a gift every time they see you." |
Anonymous
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It is so hard becuase the granparents LOVE to buy things for grandkids. Seriously love (and it is so easy to do, too). I am sure she does get pure joy out of being able to do it.
Say "I know how much you love to buy the kids toys but we would like them to focus more on their time with you than the toys you bring." |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately I have tried that but in addition to buying stuff while visiting she buys stuff before coming too. As in she will be out and she something she thinks they will like and gets it. Bag of fake vampire teeth, some random batman flashlight, accessories for babydolls. I honestly believe she has a shopping addiction that she needs to seek help for! |
Anonymous
| Just tell her that anything she buys them will be donated to the local children's shelter. And then do it. Honestly, she should be respecting your requests as the parent. |
Anonymous
| We have had this issue too. Along with explanations about too much 'stuff', we found it helpful to redirect the spending into activities (e.g. a play, ballet, etc.) which also means the grandparent spends time and has a special experience with the child. |
Anonymous
| Ask her instead of buying them "stuff" to spend the $$ on events, i.e. Circus, kids musical, mini-golf, bowling, movies, ice cream outing, pick up lunch and go to the park. |
Anonymous
| My MIL does this too. She has an Amazon account and just ships stuff to our house. |
Anonymous
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Enjoy it. My mom does the same and DC still loves seeing grandma, with or without gifts. Some grandparents believe spoiling the little ones is their birthright. I used to battle with my mom on this, but I'm over it.
FYI, my grandmother (dad's mom) was notorious for this. She couldn't afford it after awhile and we were perfectly fine with it. |
Anonymous
+1 and you and spouse need to have this conversation with her together. Both of you need to say this to her. |
Anonymous
| Can you suggest things to do rather than things to buy? Imagination Stage tickets or seeing a concert or going to a children's museum, aquarium..... taking them it to a restaurant..... |
Anonymous
| Can you send her this way? My mom buys nothing and my MIL cannot afford to or would. I think you need to ask her several times. We had to with my MIL and tell her to buy nothing as we wanted her to spend the money on her. I would tell step-grandma that you think she is an amazing grandma without all the gifts and you just appreciate her time. You'd like her to cut the gift giving in 1/2 and focus on winter/summer clothing, shoes, and necessities twice a year and gifts every 3rd visit. Tell her you'd rather her spend the money on doing something nice with your family like a vacation. |
Anonymous
| Hand over clothing purchases to her! Your kids will look amazing and you can ebay/consign once they are done. I hate all the clothes shopping and would love to have someone take it over. |
Anonymous
| OP here. She buys clothes already too and also provides experiences for them. Yesterday I was clearly at the end of my rope, took a picture of all the Legos and said we had decided that we weren't bringing anymore Legos into the house for 6-12 mo. She texted back "boo". I know she won't respect it once she gets here in 4 weeks. |
Anonymous
| She sounds just like my MIL. The amount of clothing and toys she gives my DD is overwhelming. No advice (I've tried a bunch of things that haven't worked) but lots of commiseration! I like your photo idea, but "Boo" is the exact response I would've gotten too |