Mean, braggart mother - what happened?

[Anonymous]

My memories of childhood are very good. I remember my mother as sweet, interesting, affectionate, and positive. However, as time has gone on, my mother seems to have become very self-centered. Or, well, she was always vain and I hear was the worst in high school/college, but in the throes of motherhood and raising small children, I think that was set aside for a while. Well, as we got older, she bounced back to being very vain and haughty and she drives me crazy. She finds value in her children only when there's something worthy to brag about. She BRAGS ALL THE TIME, about everything and anything which she thinks can raise her status. She was such a good mother when we were young. But now she is very judgmental, cruel, curt, and authoritarian. You would think, as her children entered adulthood, she would be more respectful but it's in the reverse. Whenever I leave an interaction with her the word "mean" just repeats over and over again. WTF happened to her?

I've read sooo many anecdotal things about how children who were distant from their parents, grow closer as they get older or even generally, people become closer to their parents as they also enter parenthood. It's completely the opposite. It scares me. I hope I don't turn into some obnoxious monster when my kids grow up!!!

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to her about this?

[Anonymous]

When you were young you probably didn't mind being a reflection of your mother (i.e., something for her to brag about). You probably didn't even notice it. When i was growing up, if anyone ever complemented me, my mother would say, "Nice pottery makes nice chards." I never realized how self-centered this was. I was basically nothing as an individual -- only an extension of her. As I grew up I began to notice that my mother had absolutely no feelings for anyone unless it was something that made her look good. She is cut-throat competitive, so daughters were a real threat to her. (Not sons.) You are probably a threat to her now, as a mother yourself. Get ready for her to try to win over your kids.

[Anonymous]

She's suffering from low self-esteem. Classic symptoms. Maybe if *you* focus on telling her (and others) about her skills/life accomplishments/positive traits, then *she* can stop.
What do you think? It may take some time. Be patient. Your children need their grandparents to be the best they can be. And you can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were young you probably didn't mind being a reflection of your mother (i.e., something for her to brag about). You probably didn't even notice it. When i was growing up, if anyone ever complemented me, my mother would say, "Nice pottery makes nice chards." I never realized how self-centered this was. I was basically nothing as an individual -- only an extension of her. As I grew up I began to notice that my mother had absolutely no feelings for anyone unless it was something that made her look good. She is cut-throat competitive, so daughters were a real threat to her. (Not sons.) You are probably a threat to her now, as a mother yourself. Get ready for her to try to win over your kids.

SOOOO sad. OP here. Yes, I believe this is so. My brother, who is sadly a bit of a loser, somehow remains golden to her. My mother alternates between giving me and my sister the cold treatment, sometimes at the same time, and then swings back to us being JUST LIKE HER when we do something worth bragging about. Everything good we do is somehow attributed to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's suffering from low self-esteem. Classic symptoms. Maybe if *you* focus on telling her (and others) about her skills/life accomplishments/positive traits, then *she* can stop.
What do you think? It may take some time. Be patient. Your children need their grandparents to be the best they can be. And you can help.

I don't know why she would, she really has had a lot of success in career and life, but she has NO humility.

Recently, we debated over school rankings and I told her she was wrong about the rankings. She went on about how she knows everything about these things. I googled it on my smart phone and showed her the US Rankings Report. I was right. She spent hours trying to find an article to support her statements. She didn't and then refused to talk to me for a while. Just CRAZY.

[Anonymous]

I don't know OP, but I have similar issues with my mom. She's not vain or braggardly, but soooo judgmental. I don't ever remember her being this way; in fact, she was a bit of a free love hippie when I was growing up. I blamed menopause for a while, but she'll be 60 this year, so I guess the personality change is here to stay. I've talked to her about her seeming so angry all the time, and her explanation is that there's so much wrong with the world to be angry at. (Although she denies that she's *angry* per se). It's just a huge bummer for me; I find that we have very little to talk about anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's suffering from low self-esteem. Classic symptoms. Maybe if *you* focus on telling her (and others) about her skills/life accomplishments/positive traits, then *she* can stop.
What do you think? It may take some time. Be patient. Your children need their grandparents to be the best they can be. And you can help.

I don't know why she would, she really has had a lot of success in career and life, but she has NO humility.

Recently, we debated over school rankings and I told her she was wrong about the rankings. She went on about how she knows everything about these things. I googled it on my smart phone and showed her the US Rankings Report. I was right. She spent hours trying to find an article to support her statements. She didn't and then refused to talk to me for a while. Just CRAZY.

OP, the fact that she has had success in career and life does not mean she also has high self-esteem. She could indeed be suffering from the low self-esteem that the PP mentioned even if she has had an outwardly successful life. The key word there is outwardly.

It sounds like your mom is a person who has to be right and has to have the last word. I would wager that even though she could not find objective data to back her side ih your argument about schools, she is convinced in her mind that she is "SURE I saw it somewhere."

OP, it sounds like you and your mom talk a fair bit. Maybe she lives close by. How often do you see her? What do you discuss? Are there grandkids in the mix? (You mention "when my kids grow up" but I'm not sure if that means you already have them or if they're...theoretical kids.) I ask these things because it sounds as if maybe you need to spend less time interacting with mom, and if she's around wanting to see grandkids that gets harder. I really would (1) try never to engage with her on anything -- don't talk about school rankings, the news, what she did today. When she brings up things that seem to be confrontational or insists she's right about something, change the topic. That's not a real relationship, I know, but if you engage with her you are playing her game and it clearly upsets you later. (2) If you have kids and she sees them, and you worry that her attitudes will affect them, try to have her DO things with them rather than just hang out much; see her at activities outside the home, because those give everyone something else to focus on besides her or her commentary. (3) If this degenerates to the point she's really angry and/or confrontational, or if it seems fairly sudden, consider whether this could be a sign of something medical going on. I know people whose parents' personalities changed and it ended up that the parents were starting early stages of dementia. It sounds, though, like you know your mom's personality well, and this is an extension of a long-term personality that's pretty self-centered and makes things, as we say these days, "all about HER."

You can love her without liking her much. Just be aware of the negative impact she has on you, and don't engage in any more debates. If she gets nasty about "Why won't you discuss this with me? You know I'm right and that's why," etc., can you ignore that? If not -- you may have to limit your contact with her.