temper in a 9 yr old

[Anonymous]

DC has always been a bit high strung, but it has gotten so bad this year. Whenever we tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, or whenever he gets frustrated with say homework, he loses it - screams at us, yells dramatic statement like he hates everything, runs upstairs, slams his bedroom door. He is 9, not 15! When he has calmed down we talk to him about leaving the room when he feels like this, taking deep breaths, etc, but in the moment he can't do it - it's like a switch is flipped and he can't calm down. He never threw tantrums like this as a toddler. Any suggestions how to help him work through his anger/frustration in appropriate ways?

[Anonymous]

Give him some control - as much as is reasonable. It goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Why is he raging like that? He's really angry about something.

[Anonymous]

That's a big jump from toddler to 9 yo. Was he doing this at age 5,6, 7?
My adhd son has very low frustration tolerance, among other symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Family counselling.

[Anonymous]

therapist for DS. Ours was like this at 7/8 and we started therapy for him and it has helped him tremendously with his coping skills.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Even if you could give him the exact tools as the therapist is going to give him, he'll be more open to it if it's not you suggesting it. I recently took my 8 yr old and it has been very helpful. My pitch was "I've been advising you about how to deal with XXX and I'm not sure I'm right, would you like to talk to an expert about that?" He jumped at the idea and enjoys going.

[Anonymous]

My 8 yo son has gone through a phase like this in the last six months. He is a sweet-termpered, thoughtful, smart kid--like OP's kid, never a tantrum-thrower. But he does have periods where he gets frustrated really easily and reacts the way OP's son is--but only with immediate family. Never at school, never with friends, never with family beyond parents and brother. And it comes and goes; it was pretty bad a month ago but has subsided since then. This has led me to conclude two things:

1. It's related to being tired/overwhelmed or some similar factor (e.g. growth spurt).
2. He can control it since he's doing it only with immediate family.

We give him space when he's upset and talk about how to cope with frustration once he's calmed down. ANd we try to make sure he gets enough sleep and isn't over-scheduled.

[Anonymous]

All good advice above. Also, revisit 123 magic. It's not just for little kids. Especially part 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 yo son has gone through a phase like this in the last six months. He is a sweet-termpered, thoughtful, smart kid--like OP's kid, never a tantrum-thrower. But he does have periods where he gets frustrated really easily and reacts the way OP's son is--but only with immediate family. Never at school, never with friends, never with family beyond parents and brother. And it comes and goes; it was pretty bad a month ago but has subsided since then. This has led me to conclude two things:

1. It's related to being tired/overwhelmed or some similar factor (e.g. growth spurt).
2. He can control it since he's doing it only with immediate family.

We give him space when he's upset and talk about how to cope with frustration once he's calmed down. ANd we try to make sure he gets enough sleep and isn't over-scheduled.

Like PP, my DS went through a difficult phase when he was in the 8 or 9 year old range. It was difficult, but luckily, it was just a phase that passed. I guess the important thing to note is that we let him know that we would not accept him being disrespectful to us. My friend has a son that age now who is going through the same thing. I tend to think it's a hormonal thing for boys that age.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the replies. I received lots of good advice, and 20:38 poster's really resounds as my son has also been going through a several month period where he's unable to fall asleep at night (he gets into bed by 8:30-8:45 but he doesn't fall asleep until around 10:30 each night), so there is no doubt he is very overtired. I am not adverse to trying therapy for him, but I don't feel like I've given this a good shot to work with him on my own first. We are clear that we will not tolerate his behavior or interact with him when he's acting this way, but it gets hard when the meltdown occurs because we need to go somewhere or do something (i.e., last night he flipped out before dinner over something trivial and so rest of the family sat down to eat and he calmed down to join us 1/2 hr later, therefore delaying his whole night even further which is a problem because of the bedtime issue I mentioned above). I may look into neuropsych testing as well because he's got some anxiety and attention issues as well - at least set up an appointment so I am prepared. So, two follow up questions for y'all:
- Can you recommend your therapist? NW or upper MoCo preferred
- Can you recommend where you did neuropsych testing? Or how I get started on this? Our pediatrician is not very helpful with these kinds of matters - he quickly refers us out for anything that falls outside of run of the mill strep throat, well visits, etc.

Thanks again.