Dating after divorce

[Anonymous]

It's been a year since the divorce was finalized and 2 years since our separation. I've met someone and it's going well, but the happiness stirs up old wounds. Almost like I'm not letting myself be happy and move on. Anyone BTDT and eventually get over the feeling? Is it possible I just don't feel strongly about this guy?

[Anonymous]

it could be a lot of things - but here's the rub. even though it's been 2+ years, have you gone through the process of healing? mourning the end of the marriage, some degree of introspection (not the blame game) to see what you can take from or learn from this, rebuilding your life the way you want to? if you haven't done these things, then the time itself won't heal you as there are many underlying feelings and emotions still stirring (not for your ex but just 'baggage').

you need to deal with all of that and put it behind you. otherwise it will be very difficult to really move on. this new guy is probably your first 'relationship' since the separation - and yes, you may not be into him and that's why you are basically indifferent. maybe you see things in him that remind you of your ex - and it scares you. but the point is heal properly before you date again - and that takes active initiative from you.

I spent 18+ months dealing with everything before I I was ready to date. Went on a few first dates and when I met a woman (a divorcee too) I was in a really good place and leading a great life again. It helped b/c I was able to recognize her 'antics' about 4 months in and ended it. Have dated quite a bit since - not desperate to find someone b/c I love my life and have the patience to wait until I meet the right woman. But it wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't dealt with everything and really put the past in the past.

GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it could be a lot of things - but here's the rub. even though it's been 2+ years, have you gone through the process of healing? mourning the end of the marriage, some degree of introspection (not the blame game) to see what you can take from or learn from this, rebuilding your life the way you want to? if you haven't done these things, then the time itself won't heal you as there are many underlying feelings and emotions still stirring (not for your ex but just 'baggage').

you need to deal with all of that and put it behind you. otherwise it will be very difficult to really move on. this new guy is probably your first 'relationship' since the separation - and yes, you may not be into him and that's why you are basically indifferent. maybe you see things in him that remind you of your ex - and it scares you. but the point is heal properly before you date again - and that takes active initiative from you.

I spent 18+ months dealing with everything before I I was ready to date. Went on a few first dates and when I met a woman (a divorcee too) I was in a really good place and leading a great life again. It helped b/c I was able to recognize her 'antics' about 4 months in and ended it. Have dated quite a bit since - not desperate to find someone b/c I love my life and have the patience to wait until I meet the right woman. But it wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't dealt with everything and really put the past in the past.

GL

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm also being cautious and trying to avoid my "ex" in a new relationship. Hope you find a good match too.

[Anonymous]

Think hard about how much you actually like this guy, OP, and aren't just dating him to be dating someone. It can be hard to come out of married life and be all of a sudden alone in the world - I've seen a lot of my divorced friends throw themselves into dating with a vengeance when they weren't really all that ready, just because they were lonely, and being with someone is what they know. It might take longer than a year to find someone who is a good fit for you, and that's ok.

If you're not that into him, you're not going to be happy. And if you're not quite over your ex/marriage, you're not going to be happy either. Alternately, if your previous guy was a bad choice, it might just be you getting used to a different kind of guy who is a good choice.

Either way, good luck to you!