Friend starting IVF...how can I help?

[Anonymous]

I don't have much experience in this area, so I'm turning to you ladies for advice. My friend is starting IVF soon, and I am wondering the best ways to be supportive without invading their space. TIA!

[Anonymous]

I have not had IVF but virtually all of my friends have (with limited success) and sometimes the simplest things are the most important: truly listening without inserting your opinion, genuinely asking about it, knowing when to not ask, and just being EMPATHIC (not sympathetic, big difference). It was hard, and I do not know if you have kids or are preggers, but it also helps to know that your friend may withdraw from you. And just say you will be around...when they are ready. Almost all of my friendships have made it!

[Anonymous]

I just went through my first IVF and didn't tell most of my friends because I didn't want the pressure of keeping them up to date on everything and having the pressure of knowing they would also anxiously be awaiting the results. I would follow your friend's lead about how much she wants to share. As previous poster said, being an empathetic listener is very important. Avoid "shoulds" and "ought to's" or anecdotes of other people you know who have had fertility issues. And for heaven's sake, do not do what my mil did and tell me all about her miscarriages! NOT THE SAME THING!!! The fact that you are self-aware enough to realize that you need to proceed with caution is a very good sign already. On behalf of women struggling with fertility, THANK YOU!

[Anonymous]

OP - having been through it 4 times in 5 years I would say just be there to listen to her gripes - I am not an emotional, complaining person normally but the ups and downs of infertility were so, so difficult. A few ideas from my experience:

1) My cousin would check in often and she sent a gift basket when I did the transfer - all things that reminder her of 'sticky' things (i.e. gum, velcro toys, etc).

2) Some of the testing can be difficult - the HSG test was painful so if her spouse / partner can't go - offer to drive her. In afct, I would have rather had a good friend some times rather than DH. I was pretty uncomfortable post egg retrieval also

3) Don't call her asking about test results - tell her you will wait to her from her when she is ready.

4) If she agrees try to plan a few things right after the transfer (when she is back on her feet) to take her mind off of things.

5) There are a few times when she should be off her feet - post retrieval and post transfer. Offer to help out - bring dinner and a movie, etc during these times.

Hope everything works out well - and quickly for her.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all the feedback.

Thanks to the PP who mentioned that she might withdraw from me. I am currently 16 weeks pregnant w/ #2 and I was worried how this might affect our dynamic, so I will definitely follow her lead.

To the PP who mentioned all the logistics (when she will be off her feet, etc), thanks. That's the kind of stuff I didn't know and was wondering about.

[Anonymous]

One of my friendships didn't make it during IVF & it was with a friend who was pregnant.

1. If your friend doesn't know you are PG, make a point to tell her ALONE - with no one else around. And let her know you hope it happens for her, too. My friend didn't know enough to do those two things and I was really bitter and began avoiding her.

2. Don't jump to conclusions if your friend doesn't always want to go out with a group of friends and you. She may not be ready to deal with conversations that might be expected to linger too much around your pregnancy. (For example, if you were all meeting an old friend.) It doesn't mean she isn't happy for you and it DOES NOT mean she can't go public places either.

3. Do not drop the phrase "baby shower" out of the blue. Talk to your friend to find out her comfort level with showers before you (a) send out an invite or (b) call her at work and ask her about the baby shower.

4. Don't tell people how awkward it is between you because you are pregnant and she is not.

Everyone is different. I was able to have friendships with pregnant women, but I truly think it was because they (a) were sensitive in how they told me they were pregnant, (b) understood I might withdraw, and (c) were not crass enough to throw baby shower in my face. Frankly, this experience taught me that my friend never was a friend at all. By even thinking about these things, you seem to be showing that you are a friend.

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with infertility and told a friend who is older and has had many friends who have gone through IVF. After I told her she said, "I know this is difficult to talk about and there will be many ups and downs, so I won't ask you for updates in case you are at a stage that where it is too painful to talk about it -- but you can come to me anytime to talk about it/vent." That was exactly what I needed to hear since I didn't want to feel obligated to tell her about every transfer or time I got my hopes up -- but it's good to know she is there for me when I am depressed and just need to talk. The fact that your friend told you about her fertility struggles even though you are pregnant and have a kid is a good sign that you have a strong relationship. I haven't told any of my friends who are pregnant, have babies, or who I think might get pregnant soon.

[Anonymous]

I would add a few more things. First, realize that unless you've gone through infertility treatments it is really hard to understand what it is like to do so. So, your friend may seem to withdraw from you just because she gets more comfort talking to people who have been through the process. Also, even if you're trying to understand, you probably don't realize how often your friend thinks about the process and how much it may control her life. For example, one of friends, who is usually pretty empathic, recently asked me about my job search, which I later realized slightly annoyed me because it was clear she didn't understand how much of my time was spent researching IVF protocols, reading infertility forums to learn about others experiences, etc., as opposed to looking for a job. Same with vacations - I've had several friends ask me about our future vacation plans, and they don't realize that between having to pay for fertility treatments and keeping our schedules open so that we're in town for treatments, our vacation plans are on hold. I'm not saying don't ask - just realize your friend will have a different perspective.

My second recommendation is that if your friend has a child, volunteer to help out if you can - whether it is after the egg retrieval or transfer, when your friend needs to rest, or during appointments when your friend may need childcare.

[Anonymous]

Definately agreed with PP. I changed jobs (lateral move)so I could be near my IF clinic and not have the visits disrupt work. My "friend" then told me I was not the same person she knew and that I wasn't motivated or career-driven anymore.

[Anonymous]

Great information so far- I'd also recommend NOT saying these things, "relax, it will happen sometime." or "just when you stop thinking about it, it will happen," "well if it doesn't happen this time, it wasn't meant to be," "if it doesn't happen this time, you can always do it again" or asking her " do you feel any different?" in the waiting weeks after the transfer. She's lucky to have a friend like you to support her and be there for her.