How do I "like" my mother better?

[Anonymous]

Or not be annoyed with her all the time? My mother is very judgmental, both about my decisions and also about telling me each and every thing she doesn't approve of in so and so's life. She is also tends to "take over" my house when she is visiting- insists on doing all the cooking because what we do, according to her, does not constitute "cooking", tends to rearrange everything in our house, etc. She also refuses to go anywhere because she doesn't like walking and driving is too crazy in this area. She also plays favorite with my kids- she loves my youngest child, a girl. But often ignores or rolls her eyes at my older son. She is getting older and she visits about once every 2 months. I get very stressed during these visits.. which last about 1-2 weeks. I want to be able to be ok with her, and these visits. I know she is getting older so I want to appreciate her presence but how do I do this? How can I stop myself from getting annoyed? And dreading the long visits?

[Anonymous]

I don't know Op but I want to do the same and my mom doesn't sound half as bad as yours.

[Anonymous]

Wow - I'm sorry. I would tend to limit her visits to a weekend. I could probably learn to deal with most of her issues for a few days, but the playing favorites with the kids is NOT acceptable. I had a grandmother who did that and we all knew. But in my case, she favored my brother and didn't like me as well.

I would let her do the cooking and deal with the rearranging. But treat her like a child when it comes to playing favorites and being judgmental. I would call her out on it right away. Don't sugar coat things but say, "What you just said to me is rude and I don't appreciate it. This is not how we speak to each other in this house." Then end the conversation. If she continues, I would say, "Until you can respect me in my home, you need a time out." Similar kind of language for playing favorites.

[Anonymous]

OP , you can't change them. But if you speak up for yourself and start setting some firm boundaries, you will feel more in control. That is what i had to do with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Can you use DH as a buffer? I try to make sure I'm not alone with her too often as I'm more likely to get angry/lash out if we are alone. I tell myself repeatedly that it might be the last time I see her (hopefully not but you never know). I also invite my in laws over - they live nearby - to serve as another buffer. I try to give her things to do so she feels like she is contributing. In her case, maybe you just relinquish cooking for the week. Think of it as a vacation for yourself!

[Anonymous]

Stop taking anything she does personally. You stand up against really inappropriate behavior--playing obvious favorites with your kids, for example--and just let the rest roll on by. Don't engage with it. Let her cook. Let her stay home while you go out and do stuff. Just let her judgments float by (imagine the "waw waw waw waw" voice of the adults in Charlie Brown).

And think about the things she is and does that are positive--she does visit a lot, so she wants to spend time with you, for example. Think of other things about her that are good--is she a good cook, for example? Focus on those, and compliment them when you see her. Look for and reward the positive, and ignore the negative (unless it's really not okay, like the playing favorites).

[Anonymous]

Alcohol helps.

[Anonymous]

You should work harder and take better care of your house, husband and children so she has nothing to criticize.

[Anonymous]

I'd just develop a mantra of 'thank you for sharing'.

[Anonymous]

If you don't like her and she is already old and you are middle age, I don't think it is possible to come to like her. I am sure you love her but you two butt heads.

Just tune her out - when she dies you will appreciate her better. I am not saying this to guilty you, it is just the nature of the beast.

GL

[Anonymous]

Limit her exposure to you and your family. Her visits are too frequent and too long, especially if you are being tormented while she is there.

Set up rules for when she is there. For example, You may not criticize me in front of the kids. If you have something you'd like to offer, we can discuss it later when they are not in the room, etc.

Realize you are her daughter but you are more importantly, an adult, a wife, a mother and the leader of your own life.

This is not a small issue and not one that can be fixed overnight. Expect a LOT of push back from her, but you have to decide you are ready for that and stand firm! Or do you want to stick with the status quo? I think you know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should work harder and take better care of your house, husband and children so she has nothing to criticize.

I'm certain you are a bottom-feeding people pleaser on medication. Have several seats with this nonsense.