Husband financially irresponsible - vent

[Anonymous]

My pot smoking husband is employed about 50% of the time. When employed he earns about the same as me, $100k. Except I cover about 65% of the bills plus I am the source of all savings. I am so fed up. He spends at least $2,000/month on I-don't-know-what. What legal arrangements can I make to separate myself financially? We have a kid, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer tomorrow about what steps to take.

[Anonymous]

You sound to bitter to ever work things out, hand him divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

OP - I would be serving his ass with papers. you are crazy to let yourself and your child suffer because of his actions.

get the fuck out of there - NOW!

[Anonymous]

Put the savings you have in your name only ASAP.

[Anonymous]

So lawyers are going to cost big money. Retainer will probably be $7000 or more. You can do it on your own I think, but you surely need advice, so I hope someone can chime in on this. My lawyer recommended I take half of everything including bank accounts, and just leave, but if your name is on his credit cards that could get ugly. Also, the house - if you're not there I think it's more difficult, so better if he moves out...not so simple as one would wish.

[Anonymous]

Is he working right now? If so, file now. I'd be worried that if you file when he's unemployed, he'll get palimony.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer here - just imagine for a moment that the genders were reversed. Do you think that just by filing for divorce, the more-employed spouse would be entitled to cut off the less-employed spouse?

That's not how it works.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want to try to save the marriage? Do you think he has any willingness to stop? I had a pot addicted husband who smoked too much of our family pay, and I got fed up. I also was very concerned about the jeopardy he put our children into -- both legally and in terms of safety and the example he was setting. I was ready to walk if he didn't stop and was very careful about keeping separate finances. I found a therapist and she helped me push him into rehab. He hasn't smoked in nearly three years, and he used to do it every day.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP, I would love to work on the marriage and we have been in therapy for a couple years. He refuses to quit smoking and says it's a medical need. He has one of those Rx's from MDs who specialize in prescribing pot. He has some kind of bipolar NOS mood disorder but hasn't followed up with his psych in 8 months. I just want to slowly extract myself because fighting with him is so bad for DC. I guess I will start working out a separation of accounts and expenses through our counselor. If I file for divorce now he will go nuclear, things will get ugly and impossible. I almost feel like my hands are tied by his tendency to anger.

[Anonymous]

You consult with an attorney on the sly, and explain that everything has to be tied up and ready to go by the time your husband is served with divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP, I would love to work on the marriage and we have been in therapy for a couple years. He refuses to quit smoking and says it's a medical need. He has one of those Rx's from MDs who specialize in prescribing pot. He has some kind of bipolar NOS mood disorder but hasn't followed up with his psych in 8 months. I just want to slowly extract myself because fighting with him is so bad for DC. I guess I will start working out a separation of accounts and expenses through our counselor. If I file for divorce now he will go nuclear, things will get ugly and impossible. I almost feel like my hands are tied by his tendency to anger.

I would not tell "Our counselor" what you aredoing or thinking about doing. That info might slip out one day to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP, I would love to work on the marriage and we have been in therapy for a couple years. He refuses to quit smoking and says it's a medical need. He has one of those Rx's from MDs who specialize in prescribing pot. He has some kind of bipolar NOS mood disorder but hasn't followed up with his psych in 8 months. I just want to slowly extract myself because fighting with him is so bad for DC. I guess I will start working out a separation of accounts and expenses through our counselor. If I file for divorce now he will go nuclear, things will get ugly and impossible. I almost feel like my hands are tied by his tendency to anger.

This is the PP whose husband stopped smoking pot. I'm really sorry to hear about this. You have a lot to deal with and am glad you have a counselor. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Consider that if you divorce your DC will likely be spending lots of unsupervised time with DH. Just something to think about.

I'd suggest you use your current account for joint expenses (mortgage, child care, groceries, etc.) only and each establish your own checking and savings accounts. Have your checks deposited into your own accounts and transfer what is needed into the joint account on payday (you should each transfer 50% of planned joint expenses unless you agree on another arrangement). Your DH will like this because he can spend the rest of his money however he wants (even though if you are like most of us, there won't be much left), and you don't have to worry about him spending your share. You may want to establish separate accounts for the kids for savings or expenses.

[Anonymous]

You can put your DH on an allowance. Deposit a set amount of his paycheck into his own account on a monthly/weekly basis and once he spends it all, there is no more until the next month/week. The reminder of his paycheck goes into the family account to pay bills and mortgage.