How do you deal with a nagging spouse?

[Anonymous]

Spouse admits to being a nag and defends the habit as "the only way to get [me] to do things". I naturally take offense, but worse, find myself digging my heels in, and not doing simple things spouse pesters me about. Spouse does more housework while I do more childcare, but let's be honest, the biweekly house cleaners are doing the heavy lifting. Simple things range from: "write a thank you note to x for the thing [child] thanked them in person for" to "get the car cleaned". Why not just do it yourself? I am more proactive than I used to be to avoid the nagging, but it hasn't gone away entirely. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Do your share! Sit down and decide what is an equitable distribution of work, then DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Well, actually, I believe I am doing my share. (Don't we all?). Spouse refuses to delineate responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

How to handle? Pull your weight and do these simple chores. "The house cleaners are doing the heavy lifting"? You sound like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse admits to being a nag and defends the habit as "the only way to get [me] to do things". I naturally take offense, but worse, find myself digging my heels in, and not doing simple things spouse pesters me about. Spouse does more housework while I do more childcare, but let's be honest, the biweekly house cleaners are doing the heavy lifting. Simple things range from: "write a thank you note to x for the thing [child] thanked them in person for" to "get the car cleaned". Why not just do it yourself? I am more proactive than I used to be to avoid the nagging, but it hasn't gone away entirely. How to handle?

Do more and do it faster.

[Anonymous]

Some people are inclined to nag regardless it may be in his personality and may have been present all along but you just didn't notice only now that you're older with more responsibilities its more obvious.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Ask DH.

[Anonymous]

You're grown. Your spouse is grown. You shouldn't need a list to tell you what you need to do. JUST DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are inclined to nag regardless it may be in his personality and may have been present all along but you just didn't notice only now that you're older with more responsibilities its more obvious.

You're right that it's always been there, but I'm just more annoyed now that we're older and have more responsibilities. I'm pretty bemused by the responses so far apart from this one. I guess it's not worth it to list my responsibilities vice his, but I can assure you that (as most husbands do) he has more free time than I do. I am wondering, given that this is more of a personality trait than anything else, whether anyone has any legitimate advice or experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I believe I am doing my share. (Don't we all?). Spouse refuses to delineate responsibilities.

Could you elaborate? "Refuses" could mean a lot of things. What kind of conversation was had? What responsibilities were discussed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, actually, I believe I am doing my share. (Don't we all?). Spouse refuses to delineate responsibilities.

Could you elaborate? "Refuses" could mean a lot of things. What kind of conversation was had? What responsibilities were discussed?

He says he thinks it's unnatural, and we can each just step up and do what needs to be done. I do morning routine with the kid, pick up, drop off, work a full day, pick him up on the way home from work, cook dinner about 1/3 of the time, and the bedtime routine. He does meal planning and bills (biggie), cooks dinner 2/3 of the time and dishes. I do grocery shopping and he does garbage. We don't do too much more. It's pretty random stuff he nags about; I tried to make that clear, but I can see how it wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Why are you not doin what he asks? Can you tell him when you think it's something he should do, or that you don't think needs to be done at all? Or that you will get to it at a certain time and it's not a priority right now?

I'll ask my husband to do something, he'll say yes and then won't do it. So I'll ask over and over and eventually he'll tell me he isn't planning to do it at all because of whatever reason. It's fine for him to have an opinion, but I wish he'd just come out and say it right away so we can discuss it and decide who is going to do it or if we won't do it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not doin what he asks? Can you tell him when you think it's something he should do, or that you don't think needs to be done at all? Or that you will get to it at a certain time and it's not a priority right now?

I'll ask my husband to do something, he'll say yes and then won't do it. So I'll ask over and over and eventually he'll tell me he isn't planning to do it at all because of whatever reason. It's fine for him to have an opinion, but I wish he'd just come out and say it right away so we can discuss it and decide who is going to do it or if we won't do it at all.

I think I usually make some sort of excuse and claim I'll get to it later. I can see how that's annoying, but alternatively, if I say no, he's annoyed too. I feel like I can't win. Be honest, you'd be annoyed if he just said no, right?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a nag and sometimes I tell him to stop being a little bitch. If I had wanted to marry a woman I would have been a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you not doin what he asks? Can you tell him when you think it's something he should do, or that you don't think needs to be done at all? Or that you will get to it at a certain time and it's not a priority right now?

I'll ask my husband to do something, he'll say yes and then won't do it. So I'll ask over and over and eventually he'll tell me he isn't planning to do it at all because of whatever reason. It's fine for him to have an opinion, but I wish he'd just come out and say it right away so we can discuss it and decide who is going to do it or if we won't do it at all.

I think I usually make some sort of excuse and claim I'll get to it later. I can see how that's annoying, but alternatively, if I say no, he's annoyed too. I feel like I can't win. Be honest, you'd be annoyed if he just said no, right?

I wouldn't be as annoyed as I am when he blows things off for a week or more before telling me he never thought we should do it at all. DH avoids conflict at all costs, but I really would be angry if he just told me he didn't want to do it and I should do it. Like I asked him if he would sharpen our kitchen knives because I don't know how. Weeks later he finally told me he hates doing it and doesn't think they need it yet. Well if he had just said that I could have taken then somewhere to get sharper weeks ago instead of being annoyed every time I use a dull knife.

Might as well get it over with in one conversation and be done, then no more nagging.