tips on parenting & marriage with a spouse who has ADHD

[Anonymous]

Since DH & I had our son approximately 6-months ago I have become increasingly snippy at him. Not sure why my irritability is directed towards him -perhaps because of the increasing stress that we are both under with working full-time and managing parenthood. DH does have AD/HD so I do have the day-to-day struggles of keeping him focused, initiating tasks, and struggle to get him "motivated to help out" around the house but whatever I ask him to do he does it, it just gets old asking. Why can't he just freaking realize the bottles need to be cleaned, the laundry needs to be done, the litter boxes need to be cleaned, etc.

On a positive note, DH is an incredibly wonderful/supportive husband who does a lot, genuinely cares for me & our family. Otherwise, we have a great marriage & I would say the strength in our marriage is our communication, that is when I am calm enough to discuss things .

I am becoming less and less tolerate and I need help on managing my frustrations. For example, last night in a moment of a heated discussion; can't remember what the topic was about but he said "is that anyway to talk to one another" & I told him to "suck it up, deal with it & to grow up and deal with adversity". Now, that is a sign that I am becoming less and less tolerate of things.

I know compared to many women and marriages I have only minor problems but I don't want my minor problem to lead to a major, more disastrous one. How can I improve or can I help him improve??

[Anonymous]

Since your DH is loving and supportive, and does what you ask him to do, but you get tired of asking, I suggest you simply make a list during the day (when you think of something, add it to the list) -- then just hand it to him. That way you don't have to keep harping on what you need him to do, and he won't forget (unless he loses the list - maybe you should keep a copy!) Also, when you feel angry, tell him you cannot talk to him right now, go away from him (to the bathroom or whatever) and force yourself to take 10 minutes of a "time out" before you are allowed to respond to him - hopefully that will give you some time to calm down. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

The list thing does work - but keep it short, no more than 3 items. Routine is a big thing, and the hardest thing I've found is for DH to keep up with the rate that babies change their routines - for example, middle of the night wake-ups at 3 or 4 months old meant our son was hungry, but at 8 or 9 months it meant teething, nightmares, who knows...but DH just thought he needed to feed him since that's what we did before. So it's challenging, but it gets better when your baby gets older and has more of a routine too.
The other thing is to lower your expectations of what does get done. For example, I got sick of doing DH's massive piles of laundry, so I do mine and my son's...and when DH is out of clothes, he'll finally get around to his (and then I can throw sheets and towels in for him to wash too). We've established easier dinners and an actual dinner time (mostly dictated by our son). PEAPOD is a godsend. DH is responsible for taking care of the pets. Life's not perfect, but it's getting MUCH better, and don't forget to utilize family and friends to give yourselves some alone time every now and then.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to you for seeking tips on speaking DH's language and trying to get ahead of any marital problems. I'll let others share ideas about ADHD, but I just wanted to share that month six was probably the low point for us as a couple. My guess is that you all are in a particularly tough stage -- the exhaustion and tedium have set in, but DC has not yet moved on to the easier stages that come in a month or two.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to say that it does get easier, and I bet you'll find yourself being more patient again with DH when it does. In the meantime, I was sometimes able to manage my impatience/crankiness by doing a little on-the-spot gratitude exercise -- basically forcing myself to focus on specific ways DH is great, especially when I realized I was tired and being unduly harsh. It wasn't always immediate, but the gratitude thing usually helped me "think" my way back to a positive and constructive state of mind. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. My DH has ADHD too, and doing the juggle with him is a challenge. But I will say he finally went on aderall (I don't know how to spell it) and that made a big difference.

I will also add that our second child (a DS) is only 2 but clearly has it as well. They get along like peaches and cream, whereas I get easily frustrated by DS' erratic behavior. So there's a bright side I guess.

[Anonymous]

My DH is ADD and on Adderall. He's been a SAHD to our two girls for 4 years. Although it's frustrating that he can't seem to multi-task at all, I've just had to lower my expectations dramatically to make this thing work. Even though I'm the one who works out of the home, full time, I also am the one to do many of the household chores, because I want them done and he is incapable. That said, he does have the extremely hard job of taking care of the children and he's pretty good at that. So, keep expectations low and appreciate what you can. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I rely on the magic of email. I email my husband a monthly schedule. I email him lists of things I need him to do and their due dates. It works like magic. Somehow it neutralizes his manly defensiveness about his perception that I think he is not doing enough. He does a lot, but he does the "wrong" things without direction. He also does not see what needs to be done i.e. "it is 10pm at night and there are dishes in the sink and my wife is passed out on the couch, I will put them in the dishwasher" Frankly, he probably does not notice that they are in the sink, but when I see them the next morning, my perception is that he saw them and purposefully ignored them. And that makes me mad. So I email... 12/17 I am going to be late. Once you are done with bedtime, you will need to clean up kitchen, dishes, counters, straightening, etc.

It works like a charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

I rely on the magic of email. I email my husband a monthly schedule. I email him lists of things I need him to do and their due dates.

I do this but use the 'appointment' feature. I "invite" him to any appointments, scout meetings, soccer games, PTA meetings, etc. - even ones he doesn't really attend (so he knows that dinner would be late or a take out order might be called for) and even "invite" him to honey-do reminders. For example, Thursday 9 PM he is invited to take out the trash. His blackberry starts buzzing, and voila!

[Anonymous]

We have a 3yr old DD and 6 month old DS and I have husband who I sometimes think of as "checked out"--the prior posts about other husbands could have been written about mine. He is a sweet man, smart, loving father, but totally incapable of juggling or quickly moving from one thing to the next. He always seems to be disconnected in some way. I remember after the baby came in a haze of sleep deprivation, I asked him to wash the bottles and make more formula....and watched him run water through the bottles and put them on the drying rack. I totally lost it and said he had to use soap--a novel idea--he was put out that I made him redo the job, but come on.... I was so frustrated by that incident because I thought, how could he not know he had to wash with SOAP? I have to tell him how to do a job down to that level of detail? But things are better I suppose, mostly because I have lowered my expectations, as others wrote, and because I guess the kids are both getting older. There are times though when I think, wouldn't it be nice to just have these tasks taken care of without constantly reminding him, whether by list or verbally?

[Anonymous]

If the list thing doesn't work, sometimes just giving DH one or two tasks that are always his "job" has been a relief for me. For me, DH is always in charge of cleaning used bottles and prepping new ones for next day. At least its one thing that he always does (that I hate to do) and he can incorporate it into his routine whenever he wants. After that gets incorporated, I will try and hand off one more thing. But for me, at least knowing that one or two things that are discrete are off my plate has been so much of a help.