Spouse, Change Thyself

[Anonymous]

Really good helpful article.
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304617404579304423468570100?mod=e2fb

[Anonymous]

Yes I read it too and thought of that recent post of the DH who thought his wife was boring.

For those who don't want to click through, it's the idea that for people who are committed to the relationship, if you want to change your spouse, do something to change yourself that you know your spouse would appreciate. Your spouse sees this, and in "return" or "exchange" they are more willing to change something about themselves that they know you would appreciate. This is sort of subconscious.

Obviously this won't address major issues, like if that "boring wife" has depression, but it's an interesting concept for the generally healthy individual and makes sense to me.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting to me, because the fact that BOTH members of the relationship had been through long marriages, then divorce, signifies that they simply "did not want to go through this again".

Meaning, they really did it for themselves. Which is fine, except if it is your first marriage, and you want it to work, but the other person refuses to give, its hopeless.

If it is the second or consecutive marriage, there is more interest in not going through a divorce again, knowing it is no fun - at best. I have seen this with many friends. Even if the second or consecutive marriage isn't half as good as the first marriage, families have been divided, stakes are higher, and the interest appears.

It is a damn shame that people could not see the forest for the trees, in the first marriage, that could have easily been much better than any other; it could have worked if the person had the wherewithal to make it work. Why do they have to divorce to see the truth?

I am not saying this is the case in every instance, but many I have seen. Make sense?

[Anonymous]

It makes sense--you can't change another person, or make them act a certain way. The only person you control is yourself, and changing your actions or attitude may change the dynamic you have with another person and improve the relationship.

[Anonymous]

yes, but some people are too hard headed to care if you change your attitude toward them.

[Anonymous]

"I am not saying this is the case in every instance, but many I have seen. Make sense?"

No. In my world, the second marriages of friends and acquaintances are almost uniformly better than the first marriages.