My mom doesn't want me seeing my nephews

[Anonymous]

SIL does not like my mom and doesn't want her around very much. She has a tendency to be critical and I'm sure has said hurtful things to SIL but mom never apologizes and plays the victim. The story she has been telling the rest of the family (aunts, cousins etc) is that her evil DIL is keeping the grandchildren from her.

I've never had a problem with SIL and always found her easy to get along with, I can understand her not wanting my mom around if she's going to continue making those jabs at her. SIL never discusses the issues between her and my mom with me, when I'm invited over, it's so I can spend time with my nephews. My mom is so jelous that I get to see them and she doesn't, she is making me feel guilty about it, saying its not right, how can I do this to her. I'm torn. I don't want to get involved in their drama, and I don't want to stop seeing the boys but if I do see them, my mom acts as if I'm taking sides an not backing her up. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

You seriously even need to ask? You need to establish some boundaries with your mother. If you are struggling to do that by yourself, see a therapist and get help. There's no way this problem is limited to just this situation. You will have a hard time with other relationships until you get this problem under control. Trust me. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom to talk to her son and daughter in law. Then change the subject. Stay out of it. It's between them.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PPs that you need to establish boundaries with your mom - not just for this situation but for any situation. I'm sure this isn't the first time your mom has done something like this. Your SIL seems to be doing it well and you could learn from her. She's set boundaries with your mom, your mother doesn't respect them and doesn't see your nephews. Your SIL also does NOT discuss her and your mother's relationship with you. You should tell you mother that and tell her that you will not discuss your relationship with your SIL with her. It's none of your mother's business. If your mother bad mouths/criticizes your SIL, you should refuse to listen. Do not participate in your mother's drama.

[Anonymous]

What are you "doing" to your mom? The issue between your SIL and your mom has nothing to do with you, so it doesn't make sense to say you've "done" something to your mom. If I were you, I'd point that out to your Mom and then follow the good advice that the PP's suggest about boundaries, etc.

[Anonymous]

"You're right, Mom. I am not backing you up. The issues between you and SIL have nothing to do with me. If you are unhappy with that situation, I suggest you take it up with SIL. As for me, I plan to stay close to as many family members as I can, and I hope that includes both you AND SIL."

If she persists, "I've said all I am going to say on this matter. I'll call you again some time when we can talk about issues that actually concern me." Then hang up.

[Anonymous]

How does your mother even know you're spending time with them? Just don't tell her and she won't know. Not like SIL will volunteer that information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You're right, Mom. I am not backing you up. The issues between you and SIL have nothing to do with me. If you are unhappy with that situation, I suggest you take it up with SIL. As for me, I plan to stay close to as many family members as I can, and I hope that includes both you AND SIL."

If she persists, "I've said all I am going to say on this matter. I'll call you again some time when we can talk about issues that actually concern me." Then hang up.

This is great advice! I was in the OP's exact position 2 years ago. My mother was 100% unreasonable with my SIL. They eventually made peace & are cordial but not friendly per say. Anyway, I happened to do what the poster above wrote & was able to remain neutral. Op, ur mom probably wants u to get involved so she can prove she is "right" don't let her do that. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Tell your mother it's not about her. The best thing for your nephews is to have a relationship with their extended family, and you're trying to do that. It's for the kids, not a dig at her.

[Anonymous]

My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

Is this OP? If so, it really doesn't matter. No one here is suggesting that you convince her she's wrong or to reason with her. The unanimous consent is that you need to NOT engage with her about this. Don't share details, don't answer questions, don't get involved. If your mother starts grilling you, simply end the conversation. Talk less, disengage more.

[Anonymous]

Why does your mom even need to know when you see the nephews? If I were you I would simply not tell her.

[Anonymous]

Keep doing exactly what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

If you can't stand up to her to her face, you just need to keep as quiet as possible and see your nephews anyway. I never told my mom anything because she was such a bitch when she didn't get her way. What she didn't know, didn't hurt her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom's wrong, I know this. But no one in the family ever stands up to her, she had always been the matriarch ruler. She doesn't ever listen to reason, even when she's wrong she's right.

Then you be the brave one like your SIL.