Why Can't We Be More Like Our Mothers?

[Anonymous]

I read this forum and I think back to my own mother. She never did seem to whine or complain about the trials of being a wife and mothers. She took it all on without complete and did most things with aplomb. She was a military spouse who also had her own career, and could handle just about anything around the house and didn't need my father there to get it done. In fact, she spent two years home alone with two kids and held down a job while my father did two tours overseas in combat zones. She was grateful for every day she had with my father, and recognized that when he was not at home he was out earning the money that made virtually everything in our lives possible. When he left the service for civilian life but kept flying for the Air Force Reserve, she recognized that the weekends he was gone were paying for college for all three of us kids.

There seem to be so many people posting such hateful anti-husband things on these threads who do not really realize how good they have it. Whatever happened to the American pioneer woman who could birth babies while crossing deserts and fighting off hostile Indians, put down a homestead on the prairie, help harvest the crops and raise the kids at the same time. Have we all become a nation of whining, entitled bitches? Our foremothers would cringe.

[Anonymous]

No, we haven't all become whining, entitled bitches. Speak for yourself instead of "us."

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I suspect your mom and all the pioneer women would have been on DCUM on a regular basis if it had existed then. I think a bunch of people posting here are actually handling their burdens quite gracefully in public but DCUM gives us an opportunity to vent.

My mom actually blamed a lot of her problems on my dad. She radiated anxiety which she didn't get treated and tried to hide from us but it had a huge negative impact on us anyway. I love her nevertheless for a lot of the things she did for me and taught me but she wasn't like your mom, not by a long shot. Sounds like your mom was pretty cool but let's not assume that everyone of that generation had it together.

[Anonymous]

Wait. We can be grateful for our husbands and still fuss about them.

I never fuss about my husband to the kids, though. Just like your mom didn't fuss to you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP of this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/351313.page . My mother never complained or whined about my father - ever. Her mantra was 'tomorrow will be a better day' - just like Scarlet O'Hara. There's no fucking way I'd ever be like my mother. It's taken me a very long time to get to the point where I felt comfortable enough to speak up about things I wasn't happy with. My kids aren't going to have that problem - I'm teaching them through words and deeds how to communicate appropriately. I suggest you take your rose colored glasses off before blanketly suggesting we be more like our mothers. I may have a great life now but that doesn't mean I can't complain about aspects of it.

[Anonymous]

Please don't regularly complain about your spouse to your children. The occasional gripe is fine, but if you have real problems with your spouse and/or your relationship don't make your kids your sounding board. I am a problem solver, when my mother would complain about my father I felt that I needed to fix it. Of course I couldn't fix it. I often felt caught in the middle because I'd think both my parents were to blame (example - he doesn't wear his hearing aid but you try to talk to him from another room) and it just pushed me away from both of them. I cringe whenever my mother starts a sentence with, "Your father...."

[Anonymous]

How do you know she didn't occasionally vent to her friends or complain to your father?

[Anonymous]

2 income trap

[Anonymous]

I hope your dad was equally grateful to her for both earning money to put the kids through college and providing free childcare for him. Or did your mom's salary not "count"?

[Anonymous]

I believe that when I was little my mom muttered under her breath or in some way conveyed to me that my dad sucked in her opinion. I never was close to him and they were married until his death when I was in my 30s. Now I listen to her and realize she complains all the time about everyone and everything. I don't want to ever be like her.

[Anonymous]

Wait. Your mother had her own career but it was your dad "earning the money that made virtually everything in our lives possible"? Your mother's career didn't do anything for your family? I also didn't realize the AF Reserve paid so well! Might have to have my DH look into joining the reserves to pay for college for our kids. Or maybe I should! What a deal!

OTH - maybe you're just idealizing your parents and your mother never bitched within earshot of you.

[Anonymous]

My mom quite obviously resented my father because he wouldn't let her work or have friends. She was very unhappy, and we all knew it and sympathized with her, since she spent a lot of time caring for us, and he was distant. I wouldn't want to be either of them.

Anyway, maybe your mom was happy precisely because her husband was away so much and gave her some space.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you really think your mom never vented to a trusted friend or sister during those years of raising you by herself? You've got to be kidding me. This is an anonymous online forum - of course people come here to complain and say things they never could to their spouses or kids. You get it off your chest then go home and do what needs to be done with the greatest amount of joy and enthusiasm you can muster that day.

My mom did occasionally complain to me, as did my dad, but in their defense, they spent almost all their time with us, only saw their friends a couple times a year, so the occasional slip up in that regard is only human in my opinion. They didn't have many out-of-family venting opportunities and as much as they loved us, it was hard. I'm trying to have more fun with my kids - laugh with them everyday - so they can see how much joy they bring me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this forum and I think back to my own mother. She never did seem to whine or complain about the trials of being a wife and mothers. She took it all on without complete and did most things with aplomb. She was a military spouse who also had her own career, and could handle just about anything around the house and didn't need my father there to get it done. In fact, she spent two years home alone with two kids and held down a job while my father did two tours overseas in combat zones. She was grateful for every day she had with my father, and recognized that when he was not at home he was out earning the money that made virtually everything in our lives possible. When he left the service for civilian life but kept flying for the Air Force Reserve, she recognized that the weekends he was gone were paying for college for all three of us kids.

There seem to be so many people posting such hateful anti-husband things on these threads who do not really realize how good they have it. Whatever happened to the American pioneer woman who could birth babies while crossing deserts and fighting off hostile Indians, put down a homestead on the prairie, help harvest the crops and raise the kids at the same time. Have we all become a nation of whining, entitled bitches? Our foremothers would cringe.

well duh! We'd all love our husbands if they were never around. What happened to the kind of man who was away most of the year, fighting wars, exploring the wilderness, driving cattle? Those were the kind of men women wouldn't have to complain about, because they weren't around to bug them!

[Anonymous]

As the very fucked up daughter of a "never complain, suck it up, make everything look perfect" family, I have to say to OP, you're deluded. One can be very grateful without lying to yourself and the world that problems don't exist. Never complaining about anything is equivalent to saying that you, your feelings (which are negative sometimes because we're HUMAN), and your needs don't exist or are unimportant. This is the recipe for breakdowns of all kinds. Sorry to rant, but I have suffered so much due to this attitude. Yes, we reap the results our choices, but to never have a negative feeling about anything is not possible.