Power struggles with almost one-year-old?

[Anonymous]

DD has recently become very insistent on getting her way. She has always had this character trait - but when she was younger, I figured a) all babies cry/fuss when they're unhappy, so DD was just doing what came naturally; and b) even if she was trying to "manipulate" our behavior (which I doubt for young babies), I didn't mind caving to the demands of a 6 month old. After about 7 months, she was pretty easy to distract if we could not cater to whatever she wanted, so there wasn't much drama. But now, once she decides she wants/does not want something - she can be pretty persistent about it, often refusing to be distracted by a toy or a cuddle. Example -- she is now refusing to let me put her in the highchair for breakfast. She arches her back and screams, and if I do manage to get her in the chair, she takes just a few bites and then starts screaming and refusing food. For two mornings this week, she has refused to sit and eat unless she's on my lap. I don't have time to deal with this in the morning. Another example - she's trying to learn to walk, so she likes to walk around the house holding on to our hands. While I enjoy this, she will want to do it for 30 mins or more - my back can't take it. When I set her down and try to play with her on the floor, she'll collapse on the floor and cry. It can sometimes take a long time for her to give up and move on. I feel kind of mean leaving a one year old to cry like that, because I'm not sure how much she understands. But I don't want to set up a pattern where I'm always giving in to her demands. Do I just suck it up and get tough with her? I really didn't think I'd have to deal with this sort of issue until she was closer to two, so I'm at a loss as to what is the best way to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Ahh...the power struggles of a soon-to-be-toddler.

At that age kids start to realize how little control they have and so they stuggle for control over everything they can get. Throw in their lack of communication skills and they are just frusterated little beings.

I think there is only so much you can do at this age to completely stop the power struggle and temper tantrums. But to survive, give you child control over things when you can (and when it isn't back-breaking). But when you need to set limits - either for safety or sanity - set the limit and sometimes you just have the let the temper tantrum work itself out. I would sometime say "I'm sorry your upset, but mommy's back is hurting and she can't walk around again." But I'm not sure what they absorb at this age.

Hang in there, I found it much easier as my DS learned some words. Now we can offer choices - "do you want your diaper changed upstairs or downstairs" - and set limits - "only 1 more time around and mommy gets to sit down." Not foolproof, but it cuts back on tantrums a lot.

[Anonymous]

I call mine little Ms. Defiant. My tot a little older (15 mo.), but the characteristics are still similar.

I've sorta figured out how to "evolve" with her since I realize that she is seeking independence or wanting to try/discover new things.

We actually opted for a booster seat instead of a high chair. Or sometimes I simply place her on the kitchen chair and hand her the snack-trap to eat from while DH and I are eating dinner.

Another example: we were at the playground for a total of 10 minutes the other week before she started to want to get back in the stroller. So, ok, instead of "forcing" her to play we took the long way home- which she actually liked and sqeaked when she saw the neighborhood cat, birds, a few dog walkers, a school bus, and a dump truck.

Not a great solution, but just a way that I managed to deal with it. I'm pregnant w/ #2 so I'm really not feeling like super-mom right now so I can definitely commiserate. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My near one DS is in exactly the same place. I posted a couple weeks ago about what to do when he won't go in the carseat....
No great solutions for you but just support and some ideas. Distraction works fairly well for us, but it has to be something really good that I'm distracting him with (for example, a balloon in the car; taking his hand to switch the light on and off in the house -- though may not be easier on your back). However, I have decided (yesterday) that I do need to start setting some limits. For example, with the highchair, if he doesn't want to eat at that meal or snack time then I've decided to just take him out and wait until the next one (which is never too far away). This sounds good in theory but don't know yet how well it will work.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if it works at this age, but the suggestions in "the happiest toddler on the block" saved my life. In essence it is sort of verbalizing what your child is feeling. If she doesnt want to go in the high chair...and is screaming, you say back to her...you didn't want to go in the car seat? you really really didn't want to go in the high chair...once she calms down, then you can say, I know you didnt want to go in the highchair, but it is the only safe way to drive. We tried this with my son, I think he was just a few months older, and it was like magic, a true gift from the heavens. He was so relieved that I understood him

Best of luck

[Anonymous]

My child is a little younger, so we haven't gotten to this stage yet, but what I have heard recommended is in line with what the other posters said: verbalize the feeling or desire, give a short statement of the rule/limit, and offer some kind of acceptable choice. ("I know you want to sit on Mommy's lap to eat. Mommy can't sit down right now. When you sit in your high chair you can have milk or juice in your cup.") Obviously, there will still be times you have to suffer through the tantrum, because the choice is not acceptable to her, but I think that's to be expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if it works at this age, but the suggestions in "the happiest toddler on the block" saved my life. In essence it is sort of verbalizing what your child is feeling. If she doesnt want to go in the high chair...and is screaming, you say back to her...you didn't want to go in the car seat? you really really didn't want to go in the high chair...once she calms down, then you can say, I know you didnt want to go in the highchair, but it is the only safe way to drive. We tried this with my son, I think he was just a few months older, and it was like magic, a true gift from the heavens. He was so relieved that I understood him

Best of luck

ITTTA with this. Get Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" - it's a must-have, particularly for parents of particularly strong-willed children.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the recommendations. I'll pick up the book - I've seen it around, but had figured it was for older children, because, of course, I didn't think I'd be dealing with temper tantrums before she is one. We had the same battle over breakfast today - eventually I gave up and let her out of the high chair after a few bites, but did not then feed her on my lap. She seems to have cared less and doesn't seem hungry at all. We shall see if things improve on that front.

[Anonymous]

I have a quick question re Karp's approach: what do you do with the upset kid while you are verbalizing their emotions? Say you're trying to get him into his car seat, do you hold him down (gently) while you say what you need to say (which tends to make mine angrier) or do you let them get out of the carseat and hang in the car while you talk?