Contributing to Family Meals

[Anonymous]

How does your family handle the meals/groceries, etc. at family events? We have hosted for the past couple of years, and when we hosted, we paid for most of the meals. We took care of all groceries, made sure that there was food for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and paid for dinner the night that we did take out. My SIL usually brought baked goods and my in-laws would bring wine to help (they drink a ton, and I am not supporting that amount of alcohol!).

Last time we went to my BIL, they cooked one meal and then announced that we were all going out to dinner (and we each paid our own way). Now we are going to their house for the weekend, and my BIL already is complaining about the numerous trips to the store that he'll have to make and the cost of having all of these people over to dinner. They aren't broke; he's just grumpy. I offered to pick up groceries on our way down to see them or to go when we got there and he told me no. They don't drink, so when they host, there is no alcohol in their house (so I can't offer to bring wine), and I was told not to bring food b/c there isn't enough room to store anything that isn't on the menu.

This is a long-winded back story to my question: when you visit in-laws, whether it be parents, siblings, how do you handle costs of meals, etc? I sort of feel like we've hosted and it all goes around, but I'm getting the feeling that my BIL might be expecting us to pony up some cash here. My DH says his brother is just grumpy. What do you do?

[Anonymous]

It varies. If we are out with parents/grandparents, it depends on which family. My parents generally pay but on a rare occasion we do. My husband's family, we usually pay. For another family member (grandma type) we rotate. With my sister we rotate. When we stay at her place, we sometimes buy our own food, sometimes she buys and sometimes we buy. With friends, it just varies on the friend. When we host at our house, we pay. I don't expect anyone to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Part of hosting is proving all the food, whether that's buying and cooking meals or ordering in or taking everyone to a restaurant. Part of being a good guest is helping in the kitchen, helping to clean up after meals, offer to split bills for takeout, etc. If both people do all these things, there'll be no hard feelings on either side.

[Anonymous]

Hosting can be stressful for some people. It looks like your brother falls into that category. Maybe offer to pay for a take out meal or plan to take the host out to dinner. How long are you stanying at their house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of hosting is proving all the food, whether that's buying and cooking meals or ordering in or taking everyone to a restaurant. Part of being a good guest is helping in the kitchen, helping to clean up after meals, offer to split bills for takeout, etc. If both people do all these things, there'll be no hard feelings on either side.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hosting can be stressful for some people. It looks like your brother falls into that category. Maybe offer to pay for a take out meal or plan to take the host out to dinner. How long are you stanying at their house?

We're staying two nights. It is frustrating, because I feel like when we host, we host 100% (except for the above-mentioned wine -- and trust me, I provide plenty of wine, but it never seems to be enough...). That being said, I'm happy to contribute; it just seems like a no win situation. And I think you are right - it is stressful for my BIL to host, and I don't think he likes to do so. There are two family members in the same area, so we split up. We even offered to stay in a hotel, and my SIL rejected the idea. I think next year we will be clear that we are staying in a hotel b/c I really don't think BIL likes houseguests, even though they have a really big house and two guestrooms.

[Anonymous]

When we visit my husbands family, we always offer to bring something. Usually told not to worry. When were there, we ask what we can help with, and are usually directed to help with cooking and cleanup.
When we visit my family, who is broke, I usually grab some groceries on the way over. I do t want them to feel bad, so I always say it's for my kids, who are picky and want to make sure they have plenty to eat that they like. Usually it's things like a big fresh fruit tray, milk, juice, pb&j, etcetera. I also try to pick up the tab when we eat out.

[Anonymous]

When you're talking about visiting overnight (or over a weekend)...I think the host should expect and plan to pay for all meals/food at the house. A good guest should offer to pay for any restaurant meals.

When we visit my parents in another state, my parents don't let me pay for anything though. They want to treat us since we don't see them very often.

I remember one year my FIL (who is local, so not an overnight thing) asked everyone to contribute some cash towards the meal he was preparing (for some family holiday gathering). Generally, the members of the extended family take turns hosting these big dinners - so I felt that it would all even out in the end (without cash contributions). People did contribute - but I think that was the last time we had a big dinner at his house. So, I do think it is a good idea to stay in a hotel next year so you don't have to listen to BIL complain so much about hosting.

[Anonymous]

For family, I think the expectations are a lot more lax and informal. You jump in and help, you help clean up, pick up something from the store, and contribute somehow in some way.

I have some relatives that basically sit around like children and wait to be called to eat, and then just lounge around afterwards. I just don't get that.

The best meals are when everyone contributes - either you pick up stuff from the store, help with prep/cooking, or cleanup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hosting can be stressful for some people. It looks like your brother falls into that category. Maybe offer to pay for a take out meal or plan to take the host out to dinner. How long are you stanying at their house?

We're staying two nights. It is frustrating, because I feel like when we host, we host 100% (except for the above-mentioned wine -- and trust me, I provide plenty of wine, but it never seems to be enough...). That being said, I'm happy to contribute; it just seems like a no win situation. And I think you are right - it is stressful for my BIL to host, and I don't think he likes to do so. There are two family members in the same area, so we split up. We even offered to stay in a hotel, and my SIL rejected the idea. I think next year we will be clear that we are staying in a hotel b/c I really don't think BIL likes houseguests, even though they have a really big house and two guestrooms.

I never stay at someone's house. We always stay in a hotel. I don't care how big their house is. I need my downtime and space. I think you found your own solution. Good luck and have a glass of wine.