Need A Crystal Ball

[Anonymous]

My DH has anger issues. They have been better but Christmas seemed to bring them back out. He was all over the kids yelling almost nonstop about things. As the day wore on and he got tired. I really didn't want the kids to cry on Christmas. I told him to stop telling several times and intervened several times.

My therapist says if I stay I am teaching them it is ok to be treated like this. But if we split custody would be 50/50 so I couldn't necessarily protect them as much. She acknowledges that is true, and we both hope somehow I can bring the anger up in a way that is effective and get him on appropriate meds. I know, I know - hope is not a plan.

Have you divorced in a similar situation? How did it play out? Kids are 3rd and 5th grade if that helps.

[Anonymous]

I was a child of this situation. I understand your wanting to run interference with you husband but, frankly, it was a lot easier for me to tolerate my dad's behavior knowing I was going back to my mom's in a couple days. It was worth enduring to have a comfortable environment at least some of the time. Also, as my siblings and I got older, we were able to reduce the amount of time we spent at our dad's. There were parties, activities, etc. that my dad didn't want to take us to so he allowed us to stay with my mom and she took us. When we hit the teenage years, we just refused to go. Having grown up the way I did, I would NEVER stay with someone like your DH/my dad. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Would your DH consider therapy? Is he in therapy now? If he is then he's working on it. The holidays are hard and brings out the worst sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your DH consider therapy? Is he in therapy now? If he is then he's working on it. The holidays are hard and brings out the worst sometimes.

Kind of. He has been to see someone twice. He won't really discuss it with me. I am not sure after the holidays how vigorously he will go back to it. Our internist also gave him drugs. He filled the prescription but hasn't taken any yet. This is all part of what we are waiting to see. I just keep telling my kids it is not ok for there to be so much anger and yelling, but we all need to see a change soon.

Thanks to the first PP for the perspective. That really helps - to hear from those who have been there.

[Anonymous]

My dad was like this growing up, especially around the holidays but honestly he had anger problems all year. The holidays would bring up a lot of unpleasant memories of his own childhood, though, so they were much worse times for all of us.

However, my parents did not divorce (though I often wished they would) and now they are through the tunnel we are a happy family again (in our mid-30s now). However, my mom put down some serious ultimatums when I was in HS including him attending therapy, being treated for his depression, and enforcing some house rules for intervening when he'd lose his temper - for instance, if he started getting worked up and she would suggest he go for a run, he was OBLIGED to leave the house (that way we, the kids, would think he was just going out to exercise, regardless of what he actually did). These kinds of barriers really helped him see how much distance he was putting between himself and his family and that was the impetus he needed to seek genuine change and help.

I don't have any other advice to give except it sounds promising that things have been better generally (the holidays are hard for a lot of people, even those without bad tempers) and I'd encourage you to keep at it if he seems to be trying to make changes. Letting your kids know that dad is being unreasonable and shouldn't have shouted at them is important - they need to know you've got their backs when they're treated unfairly (this is one time I don't believe in presenting a united parenting front).

[Anonymous]

I could have written your exact post. But my DH has been in therapy for about 8 weeks now. I see some very small changes. My kids are 3 and 5 and I also worry about the custody split. I am their buffer here. It would kill me to not be able to be there when I knew he was treating them poorly.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? Courts, mediators, and advocates will listen to the amount of time they want to spend with their father if they are over a certain age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your children? Courts, mediators, and advocates will listen to the amount of time they want to spend with their father if they are over a certain age.

3rd and 5th grade. It would be a Maryland divorce.