First Trimester Disconnect

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are 8 weeks pregnant and have decided not to tell the majority of our friends & family until after 12 weeks. While I'm perfectly happy with our decision and believe it's the right one for us, I'm finding it very weird & uncomfortable to see friends, talk with colleagues and others about what's happening in our lives -- without addressing this VERY big thing that is happening to us.

Do others feel this way? I guess there's nothing other to do than just to suck it up & look forward to a month from now when we get to share. But what a weird disconnect!

[Anonymous]

Both of you are pregnant? That's a pretty neat trick.

Sorry. The "we're pregnant" thing always strikes me as creepy and bizarre, since the two of you may be having a baby, but only one of you is pregnant.

But to answer your question, the disconnect is totally in your own head. Yes, you're keeping a "big thing" from a lot of the people you interact with - but the reality is at some point or another they have been or will be keeping a "big thing" from you - maybe not an early pregnancy, but something similarly life-altering like marital troubles, family illnesss, money worries, etc. No one shares everything with everyone. If it's really that difficult to keep the information to yourself, you can always choose to share the news with people you're close to - the barometer I've used, with unfortunate necessity, is that I've told the same people I would tell if/when I had a m/c. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! I'm 8 weeks too (with my third) and we aren't telling people either. In fact, only my BFF and mother/father know (and only b/c we've had some problems so I've need to lean on them a bit). It can definitely feel weird at times...no doubt. But enjoy the time when only you and your DH (and very close family) know. It is a special time and as soon as everybody else knows, especially since this is your first, you will feel like everything is only about the pregnancy and baby. It is an exciting time, but I've always waited for a long time (15-20 weeks) before telling people. I don't know - I just like the privacy of it.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel OP, but don't read into it too much.

Over Thanksgiving dinner all our families members were updating us about their jobs, lives, mutual friends, etc. and it would've been the perfect opportunity to for us to announce our big news too.

But we didn't want to until we got to that golden 12 week mark. So...maybe at Christmas.

[jgeetter]

I felt the same way but I really encourage you to tell people only when you and your husband are ready. Everyone goes through this and your friends will understand. Plus, there can be something really special about having this as your secret for awhile longer....in just a few weeks you won't be able to keep it secret even if you want to. Congratulations and good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel exactly the same way as you do. I've even found myself avoiding social situations because keeping this to myself is so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! This is a very happy time for you and your husband. My husband and I are also newly pregnant. I am enjoying our little secret but I definitely know what you mean - it is practically all I think about so it seems so strange not to blurt it out to everyone you see. In my first pregnancy I used this little trick until I was ready to announce - I would tell complete strangers my news. Standing in line at the deli counter? Getting help from the librarian? TELL THEM! Once I spilled my news to a few random people, it quenched my thirst to blab.

A total sidebar here, so feel free to stop reading... but I just wanted to say that I'm really disappointed in the tone of this board. Comments like those of 13:56 poster make me wonder why I bother to read this board. Just because it is possible to post anonymously here I think people are extra snarky and say things they certainly wouldn't say if they had an identifiable screen name... and certainly not things people would say to each other's faces. Lighten up a bit and if you want to criticize, write a blog or something. At least then we can choose not to visit it if we don't want to read your negativity. As for me, you bet your beautiful baby's butt that my husband and I are pregnant. He has stood by me through nearly three years of fertility treatments to get to where we are today so he certainly has earned his share of the declaration. I think it is creepy and bizarre to anonymously pick on an expectant mom when all she did was ask for some advice.

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I just found this board and have spent the past half hour sifting through one vicious post after another. I agree with PP -- the anonymous nature of these posts just make people feel as though they can say anything. Who cares if someone says "we're pregnant?" And why is it creepy, of all things?

I also feel the first trimester disconnect. I'm only 8 weeks along and my husband and I hadn't planned to tell people until after 12 weeks but have actually ended up telling a number of friends already.

On the other hand, we want to tell my parents in person, and so my husband and I are waiting until Christmas for that, which will be around 10 weeks. So in the meantime, when we talk to my side of the family (we've told his already) it's always a bit awkward trying to talk around the "what have you been up to?" questions. The accurate answer to that would be "spending my days trying to reduce the unrelenting nausea and counting the hours until my first ultrasound" but of course I don't say that.

A lot of people on other forums have mentioned similar feelings and have even said they've avoided friends and family for that reason. I know people are worried about having to "untell" if something goes wrong, and if that's how you feel I completely understand. At the same time, if keeping a secret is really bothering you, maybe you might tell a select few close friends? I've basically prefaced these disclosures with "it's early, and we're only telling our best friends, so please keep our secret for now, but we are expecting a baby in July!" For the most part the few people we've told have been really excited. You have to balance this with the risk that they'll tell others (depends on your friends) as well as the risk that a few of them will actually say something really dumb. (My best friend of all people actually warned me not to "tell anyone else" because of the "likelihood" that I'll miscarry. Then she launched into one of those friend of friend of friend horror stories about miscarrying and then untelling everyone. I had to tell her to stop talking!

A final thought, I think the fact that we're not telling so many people can sometimes eliminate resources you'd otherwise have. When we first found out I was pregnant and were being more cautious, the only people (besides my husband and doctor) I talked to about my pregnancy were on forums like this. I like these forums, but the support from my real life friends has been important, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know exactly what you mean! I am 11 weeks and have a couple close friends who are pregnant but farther along, and it is the strangest feeling to talk to them about their pregnancies and not say anything. Though I find myself doing lots of secret intel and asking questions that would never have occurred to me before (when did you start to show? are you going with daycare?).

I'm really looking forward to having this out in the open in a couple weeks.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous posters regarding the snarkiness of this board. People can be so rude.

[Anonymous]

We waited until we had the CVS, as I'm AMA, and then we told everyone! It's a boy and he's healthy! I may have told one or two people before the procedure.

We waited to spread the good news only because of my age. I had lost 3 pregnancies before my son, and having to tell everyone that you had a miscarriage got old. If I had been younger, it would have been hard to suppress the good news.

As for the rude comments, as was 13:56, which took me by surprise too-I contribute it to unhappiness. To be happy and nice is so much easier than being a bitch. My SIL would say "God that woman needs to get laid".

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! I felt the same way. I was the one who decided not to tell anyone until the US's and the most important tests results were normal. My parents and my in-laws heard the good news from us no before the 14 weeks of pg. Like the poster above (12/15, 14:30) we waited to spread the news because of my age and to avoid certain comments and questions from my in-laws.
I celebrated the 12 w. p. swimming in the Pacific Ocean and attending hula lessons.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, I'm a little shocked at all the trauma I caused by making fun of someone talking about pregnancy with the royal we. I shouldn't have used the words creepy and bizarre, and for that mea culpa, truly. Those were bad words to use. I didn't think it warranted nastiness, but so be it. I was just trying to point out that if you continue to talk about your pregnancy as though it's a group event ("we have terrible morning sickness") you're going to get some rolled eyes, at least where I come from. (As would the plaintive horrors on another thread about the trauma of missing out on a baby shower... but that's another set of over-drama.)

I just don't buy into pregnancy being a joint process, although like one of the self-righteous PPs I've also dealt with a roller coaster of infertility alongside a supportive husband. Ultimately though, we are not pregnant - we are having a baby together and that's a different story. BTW, I've also given birth to a child and I wouldn't consider that a joint endeavor despite my husband's participation, presence and help. (Cue more outrage.)

Either way, my advice to the OP still stands. The agony of not sharing the first month of your pregnancy is mainly of your own making. You can assume that all those people whom you're dying to tell have a host of other issues on their minds, some as vital and as life-changing, that they may not be sharing with you. Honestly I found it far less difficult to keep the pregnancies quiet during early weeks than I did to avoid talking about infertility or miscarriages; I imagine it's been hard for friends and relatives not to bring up recent layoffs and illnesses because they didn't want to share sad news over a holiday. But if you haven't had to deal with those experiences, perhaps this enforced self-restraint for a few weeks is truly agonizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, I'm a little shocked at all the trauma I caused by making fun of someone talking about pregnancy with the royal we. I shouldn't have used the words creepy and bizarre, and for that mea culpa, truly. Those were bad words to use. I didn't think it warranted nastiness, but so be it. I was just trying to point out that if you continue to talk about your pregnancy as though it's a group event ("we have terrible morning sickness") you're going to get some rolled eyes, at least where I come from. (As would the plaintive horrors on another thread about the trauma of missing out on a baby shower... but that's another set of over-drama.)

I just don't buy into pregnancy being a joint process, although like one of the self-righteous PPs I've also dealt with a roller coaster of infertility alongside a supportive husband. Ultimately though, we are not pregnant - we are having a baby together and that's a different story. BTW, I've also given birth to a child and I wouldn't consider that a joint endeavor despite my husband's participation, presence and help. (Cue more outrage.)

00:24 PP here. I was the long-winded one who took exception to your calling it creepy. Frankly, I also don't say "we're pregnant," I say "I'm pregnant," but "we're expecting." Still, to each his / her own, right? I just wondered why someone would be bothered enough about it to snipe on a support board. OP came off like an enthusiastic person and next poster came off like a cynical person. OP, celebrate your hubby's role in this pregnancy however you want! Anyone rolling their eyes can cram it.

Anyway, my comments were less directed at this relatively mild example of snarking than they were a reflection of this message board in general. I have spent some time on other pregnancy forums and it's clear that DC urban moms have more education and that's a positive change. At the same time, it seems like there's not a single thread on here that doesn't eventually involve some anonymous sniping. As a newcomer I found it a bit disconcerting to see that on a support board.

[Anonymous]

I was pregnant for the first time in May/June. We told our family very early, at just a few wks. My husband was so excited, he cracked open a bottle of champagne for the announcement. I also told three of my close "mom" friends. I started bleeding a week later, and ultimately had what was presumed to be an ectopic pregnancy; fortunately my doctors caught it early. It was really amazing to have the support of my friends during this time, especially since I had to duck out of work to get blood tests (11 tests over 3 wks) and sat in the ER for 3 hours the night before the fourth of July wknd waiting to get a shot of methotrexate. My friends had their own networks of moms to tap for information, and it was important for me to be able to share all the confusing results as we tried to figure out what was wrong. My husband is a physician, and he has more appreciation for the clinical realm than for a woman's intuition. He understood my need to talk to my friends (who are also dear to him). For the friends we didn't tell, they all commented incessantly about how great my skin looked... had I discovered some new facial treatment?

Over Thanksgiving, my mother-in-law found a few minutes to chat with me alone to see how I was doing. She burst into tears and asked me to wait to tell her until after the first trimester next time. It was very lonely for her to deal with the information (her husband died five years ago). I hadn't realized until then that our loss was hers as well.

I just found out that I'm pregnant again. I'm ecstatic! I told one friend (she miscarried before having two normal pregnancies) but don't feel the need to share the information this time. I'll hold off on telling my parents and in-laws for a while. I think we're also going to keep a low profile over the holidays.