Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

Plenty of millennial DINKs keep their finances separate.

point is that even if you have separate financial accounts, it's not totally separate from the family. If one partner puts 25% of each paycheck towards loan payoff, that means they have 25% less to contribute to the overall family.

This is what I was thinking. If he's going to have to keep making debt payments, that's going to affect her. An obvious example is a house purchase. She may be comfortable with, say, $3k a month of her income going to a mortgage payment. But if he's putting 25% of his income toward debt payments, he may say he can only afford $2k a month instead of $3k. So that's going to mean she'll have to settle for less house. I really don't know how couples can realistically keep finances separate.

[Anonymous]

Babe, you better pay off my couple hundred grand of of student debt, so then we can qualify to spend an extra couple hundred grand on our first house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

Plenty of millennial DINKs keep their finances separate.

point is that even if you have separate financial accounts, it's not totally separate from the family. If one partner puts 25% of each paycheck towards loan payoff, that means they have 25% less to contribute to the overall family.

This is what I was thinking. If he's going to have to keep making debt payments, that's going to affect her. An obvious example is a house purchase. She may be comfortable with, say, $3k a month of her income going to a mortgage payment. But if he's putting 25% of his income toward debt payments, he may say he can only afford $2k a month instead of $3k. So that's going to mean she'll have to settle for less house. I really don't know how couples can realistically keep finances separate.

It's better to settle with less income coming in than to rush to payoff a debt that isn't actually a marital debt. The student loan debt is attached to an income that only he can earn. His debt/his income. This isn't my opinion. It's the law. If he dies, his debt and his income go away. If they get divorced, his debt is still his debt, and his employer is going to keep paying him his income as they always have. I don't know why that is so hard for folks to grasp. Just mentally deduct student loan payments from what you think your spouse is earning and go forward with a household budget from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

Plenty of millennial DINKs keep their finances separate.

point is that even if you have separate financial accounts, it's not totally separate from the family. If one partner puts 25% of each paycheck towards loan payoff, that means they have 25% less to contribute to the overall family.

This is what I was thinking. If he's going to have to keep making debt payments, that's going to affect her. An obvious example is a house purchase. She may be comfortable with, say, $3k a month of her income going to a mortgage payment. But if he's putting 25% of his income toward debt payments, he may say he can only afford $2k a month instead of $3k. So that's going to mean she'll have to settle for less house. I really don't know how couples can realistically keep finances separate.

It's better to settle with less income coming in than to rush to payoff a debt that isn't actually a marital debt. The student loan debt is attached to an income that only he can earn. His debt/his income. This isn't my opinion. It's the law. If he dies, his debt and his income go away. If they get divorced, his debt is still his debt, and his employer is going to keep paying him his income as they always have. I don't know why that is so hard for folks to grasp. Just mentally deduct student loan payments from what you think your spouse is earning and go forward with a household budget from there.

The law is contingent. *IF* they divorce, it is treated as separate debt. *IF* he dies, it is treated as separate debt. You’re acting as if the contingency has already occurred. I don’t understand why it is so hard for you to grasp the contingency has not occurred.

But for many purposes the law treats it as marital debt as it stands. For example, mortgage regs promulgated by the federal government don’t treat his student debt as a separate debt when they go apply for a mortgage. If they file joint taxes some of that debt interest may be a tax deduction. It is considered a household debt legally in many ways.

If one spouse doesn’t want to risk their pre marital assets in paying off the other’s debt, that signals things to the indebted spouse. This scenario is just the mirror to a pre-nuptial agreement. Of course, many people find pre-nups to be offensive while others do not. It could hardly be a surprise that an indebted spouse would be hurt in this situation.

Tough position all around. One of those things where if the spouses don’t agree it changes things going forward and there is no right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, she shouldn't do it.

I paid off my exh's law/MBA loans early in our marriage. That money would have come in handy later.

The fact that this debt didn’t come up before the marriage is a major concern.

I’d be concerned that he is planning an exit once the debt is gone. If he was really committed and not just wanting a bailout and a fancy party, why the deception?

Shame isn’t enough to explain it. Most people coming out of expensive graduate programs have at least some student loan debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

Sorry to turn this into a gendered issue, but it seems men have no problem asking women for the moon. Unquestionably, it is an egregious ask, and the daughter should say no. He uses his income to pay off his loans overtime as he's able, which means he's contributing less to their living expenses. Fine.

It is indisputably the husband's obligation to pay off his own student loans under the law. Student loans are separate debts. Set aside divorce because so many people get worked up over considering the possibility of divorce. What happens if he gets hit by a bus? The loans go away. The law doesn't assign them to his wife because that would be absurd. Back to a divorce, student loans are not a part of the marital estate when dividing up assets and liabilities. I get that many people here have spouses who would never run off with a hot young nurse in a million years. It won't happen to you. You are immune from bad things happening. There is zero risk that your doctor spouse gets hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work, gets a cancer diagnosis in his thirties, or falls in love with a young nurse when you are in you hit menopause. You are a marital unit, and all the risks be damned.

I can't believe this has been debated for so many pages. I love a good debate, but there is only one side to this one.

Huge difference between being confident in your marriage and assuming your spouse is immune from accidents/health issues/bad things happening to them

Sheer fact the Daughter didn't seem to be aware of the loan debt when she got married raises a red flag. A red flag that they jumped into marriage without having the real discussions about important issues. That should be discussed and mutually agreed upon before you walk down the aisle. DOn't care how You solve the issue, but people who get married that are not on the same page with finances, kids, family life, etc more often than not have issues.

I doubt she was unaware. But I also doubt the prick told her his scheme was to have her pay them off for him.

[Anonymous]

You raise your daughter right, she’s credentialed, successful and debt free. Then she meets some conniver who uses her money and labor to bail himself out of debt.

[Anonymous]

So what was the point of OP’s family living within their means and their daughter going to less prestigious public colleges? Should have gone to a couple of Ivies and told doctor hubby to pay off her loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, she shouldn't do it.

I paid off my exh's law/MBA loans early in our marriage. That money would have come in handy later.

The fact that this debt didn’t come up before the marriage is a major concern.

I’d be concerned that he is planning an exit once the debt is gone. If he was really committed and not just wanting a bailout and a fancy party, why the deception?

Shame isn’t enough to explain it. Most people coming out of expensive graduate programs have at least some student loan debt.

My ex did, so you are not being unrealistic BUT I was aware of the debt going in. This scenario has a LOT of red flags. I also wish I had not spent down my premarital assets and deferred retirement savings. When debt was all but gone, ex had a workplace based affair and left. The only part I could have controlled was not prioritizing his debt over my own financial well being. He ended up being fairly wealthy and stayed with AP. I feel as though I was used. Cautionary tale.

[Anonymous]

No no no. My sister did this and regrets it. She’s very behind on retirement. Also, not even sure the marriage will make it for the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

Plenty of millennial DINKs keep their finances separate.

point is that even if you have separate financial accounts, it's not totally separate from the family. If one partner puts 25% of each paycheck towards loan payoff, that means they have 25% less to contribute to the overall family.

This is what I was thinking. If he's going to have to keep making debt payments, that's going to affect her. An obvious example is a house purchase. She may be comfortable with, say, $3k a month of her income going to a mortgage payment. But if he's putting 25% of his income toward debt payments, he may say he can only afford $2k a month instead of $3k. So that's going to mean she'll have to settle for less house. I really don't know how couples can realistically keep finances separate.

Yup. I don't get it. Being a couple (IMO) means you are working together for everything as a couple. Debt means less home/car/vacations/etc. Don't understand how you can say the social worker making $40K has to drive a 10+yo beater car while the doctor making 250K gets a sports car for $70K because they can "afford it". You are not really a couple if everything is separate.

My HHI spouse fully admits that having me be SAHP allowed them to easily focus on work and advance further (and I was making $100K+ 25+ years ago when I became SAHP, so contributing well to the family finances). I was never "given an allowance"---I manage the finances as part of "my being the SAHP". I wouldn't want to be married to someone who used $$$ as control. Once we got married we joined finances and worked towards goals together (including paying off their major debt of over 60K)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

Muscling your wife to pay off your debts. How romantic.

[Anonymous]

She should not use any premarital assets of hers to pay it off. Keep separate and don’t mingle. But use marital funds and joint income to pay it off as a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

If this thread was asked in the relationship or family forum pre-wedding about a $400,000 indebted daughter in law to be and a successful and debt free son, 100% of the responses would say don’t marry her or get an airtight prenup.

Lol, are you kidding - DCUM is unfair to women?? This site is largely female, with a disproportionate representation of radical feminists.

Specifically on the issue of prenups, threads here always include some respondents who insist that they would never remarry without one (if they would remarry at all), while acknowledging at the same time that they would have been extremely offended if their ex-husband (from whom they acquired their wealth via a divorce settlement) had requested one before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should not use any premarital assets of hers to pay it off. Keep separate and don’t mingle. But use marital funds and joint income to pay it off as a team.

+1