Alone Time

[Anonymous]

How do carve out alone time for yourself and your spouse? Separately and together? What about one-on-one time with your kid(s)?

My fiance and I recently moved in together. I have a 5yo child from a previous marriage, the other parent is not in the picture at all, so DC is with us 100% of the time. This is the first time I've lived with someone since DC was born and I'm having some adjustment issues.

I WOH, Fiance WAH, DC goes to school and aftercare.

By the time we get home in the evening, Fiance is ready for face-to-face interaction and jumps up as soon as we walk in the door. In the meantime, DC is hungry, tired, wants Mom attention and to talk about his day. As I take my coat off and go to change clothes in the bedroom, I usually have both of them literally follow me around the apartment. I have no chance to decompress from my work day, it's an immediate jump into the evening routine, listening to everyone and getting ready for the next day.

On the weekends, its similar. I want to spend some time at home because I've been at work all week. Fiance wants to go out and do things bc he's been home alone all week. There are chores and errands that need to get done, but because he can do them during the week, he wants to do fun stuff with us instead. By the end of the weekend, I feel like I haven't gotten anything accomplished and it just snowballs. I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough and not paying enough attention to either person.

Fiance is wonderful, he's been amazing, he stays home with DC when DC is sick or I want to go to the grocery store by myself, he does 75% of the housework since he's home, I feel like I have no room to complain. I feel selfish just writing this post. But I need downtime! And one-on-one time with DC! And I want to have it at home, in my own space. I don't want to kick Fiance out on the weekend, it's his home too. And I know he's desperate for face-to-face interaction after working alone all week. I don't want to exclude him, but DC and I need some regular time, just the two of us, too. More than bedtime stories and commuting to and from school.

We do schedule regular date nights, we're part of a babysitting co-op and I have family close by. We get a good amount of adult time together, at least twice a month we have a kid-free afternoon or evening. And DC and Fiance get time together as well, I have meetings once a month that are in the evenings and I meet up with friends every other month, Fiance encourages me to go out and get a break. I just want a break at HOME.

Is this just the way it is when you're in a relationship? Or is this normal for the beginning of a relationship? How do I bring this up or stop feeling so selfish for wanting Fiance to get out of the house on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

When you tell your fiance that you'd like some downtime at home, what does he say? Seriously, if he's so great, he should be able to listen to your needs and come up with a way to give you a few minutes to transition when you walk in the door and some time to relax with your kid on the weekends, while still having some time with the two of you and all three of you together. It's totally normal to want some time to yourself--I'm hugely introverted and need some alone time to recharge my batteries. Talk to your fiance and see what the two of you can come up with.

[Anonymous]

I think it's selfish to ask your fiance to leave the house.

It's reasonable to say something along the lines of, "You know, I'd like to just sit by myself for a while." It can either be right after you get home, after dinner, or maybe even after he goes to bed (and you've spent time together of course.)

If you want to read, etc., would sitting at a Starbucks or similar space near your house for 30-60 minutes be an option?

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

I usually get home and spend 10 minutes in the bathroom

[Anonymous]

We both usually get down time separately and together. Separately doesn't necessarily mean one has to leave the house, but sometimes DH will take DS up to his office to play while I relax downstairs and watch TV or go out.

Together - we have a date night at least once a month and spend a lot of evenings together after DS goes to bed

Alone time with DS - I am currently working part-time so I have a lot of alone time with DS. DH usually takes him for a walk after work or will take him to an activity on the weekend, or as previously mentioned, just up to hsi office to play.