Pushy neighbor..what to do??

[Anonymous]

I have a neighbor with whom I've become friendly over the past year, mostly because we have kids the same age and are involved in some of the same groups. However, she is WAY more social than me, and is constantly calling/emailing/inviting me to do things with her. I feel guilty because I, much more introverted and also just busy with full-time work and family life, often say "no" to her invites. I try to include her on the rare occasion we have people over or organize some outing, so as to not have such an imbalance in the relationship. I am friendly with other moms in our neighborhood, but we often go weeks or even a month or more without talking, then will catch up and get together at a mutually convenient time and have the kids play together. This is much more comfortable for my style, but this neighbor seems to want/need daily contact. I feel guilty because I've taken to just ignoring her calls for up to a week, but then when I do call back I make some excuse as to why it took me so long to respond. Doesn't seem to phase her, she just goes right ahead and jumps into plans for the next week. This woman seems to have lots of other friends so I'm not sure why she is this way. It's causing conflicts at home because my partner gets irritated (he has no social graces) and will say "f** with her, why do you care?" and hates when I invite her to do anything (she does act rather like a know-it-all in group settings), but I am conflicted about how to respond to these situations. Plus, we are neighbors so it's really clear if we're having people over, or if I ignore her calls but obviously am home, etc. Just wondering if others have been in a similar situation and what they have done. I currently have 2 voicemails and an email she just RESENT from a few days ago, as if to make sure I got it, that I am not sure how to respond. BTW, if it isn't already clear from this post, I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs...probably why I'm in this situation to begin with!

[Anonymous]

Hey there...You sound a lot like me. I once had a neighbor just like this.

I know people are going to flame me or disagree but this is what I did in order to curb her call/emails.

I think the reason she was so persistant was because she felt I was always available. A SAHM, not working outside the home, ect...Easy to invade, right?

Make up a job. Tell her you have a part-time-working-from-home job. Doing whatever. Use your imagination. This way you can blame things on your 'Job'.
I know people will say, "It's lying!" or "what a coward", but I am someone who doesn't like confrontation either. So saying that I had a job really took the heat off feeling obligated to socialize all the time.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this can be very awkward. I've seen friendships between neighbors that turn bad and then people end up moving or wishing they could move. It is esp. awkward about the "they can see when we are having people over" thing. I had a neighbor call me on NYE one time because it was clear I had people over. She wanted to know what we were doing. Who calls their neighbor to demand to know what they are doing on NYE? Obviously, we are having a party, and no, you are not invited.

I think Dear Abby would tell you to be polite, kind, and firm in setting your boundaries. Just tell her you are not the kind of person who likes to socialize every day. Since it doesn't seem to phase her, just keep on doing what you are doing.

Also, could you schedule a weekly coffee date with this mom to catch up, maintain the friendship, meet your "obligations", etc.? That is, if you actually LIKE this woman. You don't make that clear in your note.

[zumbamama]

Oh do I know where you are coming from. I used to have a neighbor (when I lived in an apt.) that would wait by my steps EVERYDAY when I got home from work so she could unleash all her sob stories on me. Her mom, her boyfriend, her kids, her zoloft. I barely even knew the girl. Sometimes I would try to sneak up into my apartment to catch a break. But yeah it's tough living near overwhelming neighbors!

Just decline nicely, maybe even with a bit of humor so there is no tension. I would say, I don't know where you get all your energy from...I have a million things filling up my schedule that if I don't chill at home I'll lose my mind! Well maybe not those words exactly, but something that will cause no friction. If you decline enough, maybe she'll get the hint. And don't feel bad for declining...it's not like you're severing all ties. As long as your nice about it, things shouldn't become uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

This neighbor is not respecting boundaries, but you have to be sure that you are putting the boundaries out there. I would act like you are supposed to act...normally. If she persists in the e-mails and phone calls, just say, "I am sorry, I have a lot on my plate right now and I am simply not able to get back to everyone the way I would like. I am SURE you understand." And smile, smile, smile. Being blase WORKS and being polite WORKS, but you have to gently push the issue that you will not be bullied into things.

And have other people over. If she dares to say anything i would say, "yes, they are dear old friends and we have had a special dinner with them going for years now." And then just say, "Must be running off now!" You do not have to explain ANYTHING to her!!! Get tough!

[Anonymous]

Why not just tell her the truth politely and diplomatically? She obviously doesn't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this can be very awkward. I've seen friendships between neighbors that turn bad and then people end up moving or wishing they could move. It is esp. awkward about the "they can see when we are having people over" thing. I had a neighbor call me on NYE one time because it was clear I had people over. She wanted to know what we were doing. Who calls their neighbor to demand to know what they are doing on NYE? Obviously, we are having a party, and no, you are not invited.

I think Dear Abby would tell you to be polite, kind, and firm in setting your boundaries. Just tell her you are not the kind of person who likes to socialize every day. Since it doesn't seem to phase her, just keep on doing what you are doing.

Also, could you schedule a weekly coffee date with this mom to catch up, maintain the friendship, meet your "obligations", etc.? That is, if you actually LIKE this woman. You don't make that clear in your note.

What's NYE?

[Anonymous]

Have you told your neighbor that you are very busy with working FT, the managing the household, and doing X, Y, Z?

Your neighbor has good intentions. She probably thinks you are some lonely introverted mom wanting to get out of the house, but not sure how or whom to pal around with.

Or...it could be your neighbor just sends out mass emails inviting everyone to an event hoping that if you, personally, could even make it to 10% of them that is better than nothing.

Either way, be sure to always say "thanks for thinking of me, but I can't make it this time" to show you aren't snubbing her and that it isn't personal.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest a different approach. Look through your calendar and find an available date in the future (hopefully 2-6 weeks away). When she calls or emails next, reply that you can't make it and things are very busy right now, but how about a playdate on x date at x time. That way she has time with you in her calendar and won't try to bug you before that. Then repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

oops is it New Year's Eve? that's pretty mean. That's definitely mean that you did not invite her--you must really, really dislike this woman and felt you needed to hurt her. Some people do attach themselves to you and you've gotta shake 'em. but do it gently so she wdn't have even an expectation of an invite for NYE. OUch.

I'm glad I don't live near you and mistakenly think you're a nice friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this can be very awkward. I've seen friendships between neighbors that turn bad and then people end up moving or wishing they could move. It is esp. awkward about the "they can see when we are having people over" thing. I had a neighbor call me on NYE one time because it was clear I had people over. She wanted to know what we were doing. Who calls their neighbor to demand to know what they are doing on NYE? Obviously, we are having a party, and no, you are not invited.

I think Dear Abby would tell you to be polite, kind, and firm in setting your boundaries. Just tell her you are not the kind of person who likes to socialize every day. Since it doesn't seem to phase her, just keep on doing what you are doing.

Also, could you schedule a weekly coffee date with this mom to catch up, maintain the friendship, meet your "obligations", etc.? That is, if you actually LIKE this woman. You don't make that clear in your note.

What's NYE?

I'm guessing New Year's Eve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oops is it New Year's Eve? that's pretty mean. That's definitely mean that you did not invite her--you must really, really dislike this woman and felt you needed to hurt her. Some people do attach themselves to you and you've gotta shake 'em. but do it gently so she wdn't have even an expectation of an invite for NYE. OUch.

I'm glad I don't live near you and mistakenly think you're a nice friend.

Pardon me, but who are you to judge???

This woman is not my best friend, she is an acquaintance. I was having a DINNER party for 10 of our OLDEST friends, not a drunk fest bash for everyone BUT her. It's not like anyone else in the neighborhood was invited.

The point is this is my home, I am free to do what I want, with whom I want, and I should not have to explain myself to nosy neighbors. No one should.

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for all the suggestions. I probably haven't been as good at establishing boundaries right from the beginning, so it will be a bit more awkward to do so now, but I'm going to try. In answer to one PP, I do enjoy her company in limited quantities but definitely am not social enough to want to talk/get together every day or so. Then I find myself getting annoyed at HER for the constant contact, when really it is ME who should be better at stating my wishes/needs. I am NOT the PP who had the NYE party, I don't think I could go that far but I do believe anyone should be able to have whatever company they choose without fear of what a neighbor might think. I try to include her in all group situations, but that's about twice/year, when she seems to want twice/week. Anyway, thanks for the feedback!

[Anonymous]

oops is it New Year's Eve? that's pretty mean. That's definitely mean that you did not invite her--you must really, really dislike this woman and felt you needed to hurt her. Some people do attach themselves to you and you've gotta shake 'em. but do it gently so she wdn't have even an expectation of an invite for NYE. OUch.

I'm glad I don't live near you and mistakenly think you're a nice friend.

I would bet money that this is one of the "troublemakers" about whom there has been much discussion elsewhere on the board. PP, don't listen to her.