Divorced (grand)parent drama re: Christmas Day

[Anonymous]

My parents have been amicably divorced for 15 years. My brother and I are returning to our hometown in Ohio for Christmas, where my mom still lives. My dad lives in Nevada, and is coming to Ohio to see us for the holidays. I'm married and have a 1.5 year old. (I don't think it's terribly relevant, but I'm a woman married to a woman.) DW, DS, and I are staying in a hotel instead of at my mom's because she drives us nuts and smokes. My dad calls yesterday to say he finally bought his plane ticket and would like to see us at Christmas, he called my mom and couldn't get a hold of her to ask if he could come to her house for Christmas morning, and asked if I would talk to her about that. My parents are amicably divorced and had lunch last time my dad was in town. I ask my mom, and she says she'll think about it, but probably not since it would be ackward because her long-term boyfriend will be there. I say that I don't think he'll care (true), and it would be nice for us to get to see my dad on Christmas. She'll think about it. My current plan is to tell her if my dad can't come to her house, we'll spend a little of the day with at her house and most of it hanging out with my dad at our hotel room, and she can come there if she wants to. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Good plan.

[Anonymous]

Yes, split the day (unless your mother is really comfortable).

Dad gets you in morning/early afternoon, Mom gets you mid-afternoon through dinner.

Minimize the drama!

[Anonymous]

Sounds reasonable to me. Hopefully she includes him though. We just did Thanksgiving with two grandparents who had a horrible divorce decades ago. There has been tons of bad blood for years. And you know what...it went great! It was actually fun and everyone left feeling pretty good about it.

[Anonymous]

My parents split 25 years ago. They get together about once a month for a friendly dinner, BUT my mom avoids socialize publicly with him. She feels strongly that he done her wrong (for good reason, and he agrees with that assessment), and it's important to her not to appear to have forgiven him.

I think splitting your time -- equitably -- between her house and the hotel is a good idea. I would caution you against making it an ultimatum to pressure your mom to include your dad. (You don't say directly that's your intention, but I got that feeling from your last sentence.)

She's entitled to not want to have your dad participate in her Christmas celebration, even if it's more convenient for you.

[Anonymous]

Good plan but I would also give a choice like would you like 10am until about 2pm or later in the day, say 2pm until 7pm. I say this from experience. My crazy mother calling me all the time and complaining while I'm at my father's house making me and my sister feel crappy and akward. Now we have time limits and we tell everyone when to expect us. Cuts back on the crazy.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 16:48. Give your mom the first choice of what time period she'd like and then spend the rest with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Ask your mom what time she would like you to come over to her house without your dad. Dad can't rush in and take over.

Dad can learn to wait.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. Your dad bought a plain ticket without making sure it worked with your plans and your mom's? It sucks for you to have to split your time. Ideally dad should have worked this out with mom in advance. You should not have to be a go between for your amicably divorced parents. What does your wife think of all this? I assume both your mom and your dad are openminded and accepting of the fact you are married to another woman? If not, I say spend more time with the people who welcomed your wife into the family.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's fair to ask your mom to open her home to her ex husband like that.

Split the day, or split Xmas eve/day.

[Anonymous]

Sounds reasonable!
FWIW, my parents had a horrible split when I was a teen. But they put it behind them. We have an annual family gathering that both attend, sometimes my dad's girlfriend comes with him (they've been together over 10 years). Sometimes they spend other holidays at the same child's house - this year, they both went to my brothers for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Sounds find except it sounds like you may be planning on giving dad more time than mom. I don't think that's fair. spend at least four hours with each.

I think you should call your mom back and say, if you uncomfortable, don't worry about inviting dad.

its her holiday too, and you aren't a kid anymore so both of your feelings are equally important.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's fair for you to expect your mom to host or welcome your dad. She has a right to quiet enjoyment of the holiday without her ex present. (I'm the second wife of someone with an adult daughter, and I can't imagine how awful it would be if she had a baby and insisted that we spend Christmas with her mom, DH's ex, in order to see the baby! It would really ruin Christmas for all of us.)

Spend part of the day with either parent. Totally fair of you to say it will be at your hotel for both.