All four grandparents at the same event

[Anonymous]

DD has a big event tomorrow and both DH's and my family are in town. Our parents are very different but can manage to act like civil adults on the rare occasion that they're all in the same place together. Yet, DH is a ball of stress about the whole thing, completely freaked out that someone will say or do the wrong thing (in his eyes) and "ruin" the event.

This all stems from some wedding planning drama from eight years ago! Everyone else has moved on (or appears to have) and gotten over it but he is completely freaked out that either his mother will say/do something embarrassing or my mother will say something offensive to his. In reality, I'm sure it will be a perfectly pleasant event with all focus on DD and none of the crap he's stressing about will actually happen. Yet before each event we always have this huge build up of anticipation that something will go wrong.

Honestly, other people (my siblings, his father) can sense his tension and it can get a little uncomfortable bc people are wondering why he's acting so weird. he is also trying to keep everything separate, except for the event itself, so he does things like his parents saw DD this morning, then my parents saw her this afternoon, but he oesnt want them in the house together.

Anyone else deal with anything like this? Any suggestions? I have been very upfront with him about how I think he's acting stupid and immature and if anything is likely to ruin the event it's his ridiculous behavior, but I can't seem to get through to him. I really don't want to spend the all of DD's future big events wrangling a husband and grandparents to make sure everyone acts appropriately. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to switch his morning coffee to decaf and put some valium in his orange juice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to switch his morning coffee to decaf and put some valium in his orange juice.

I think you have to do the exact opposite. I think you need to acknowledge and validate his stress about this. It obviously stems from something. We have to get past the idea that men having feelings is a bad thing and something that should be mocked or that he should just 'man up'.

If he is that stressed and is that panicked by it - there is a problem. Maybe it is triggering a past event or past response that was deeply humiliating or traumatizing. If you were incredibly stressed and panicked over something - how would you want him to respond. Would you want him to just roll his eyes and tell you to smarten up - that you are being ridiculous?

I have no idea why this bothers him so much but a conversation with him that tries to figure that out would be a good first step. And one where you are genuine - not minimizing or mocking him.

[Anonymous]

I would sit down with him and ask him "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Suppose Grandpa Joe and Grandpa Larry start arguing about Reaganomics. What's the plan? I will walk Grandpa Joe over to the desert buffet and you will take Grandpa Larry over to meet Larla's teacher. Talk things through and make a plan, no matter how farfetched his anxieties are. Make him feel in control. He feels like he needs to protect his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with him and ask him "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Suppose Grandpa Joe and Grandpa Larry start arguing about Reaganomics. What's the plan? I will walk Grandpa Joe over to the desert buffet and you will take Grandpa Larry over to meet Larla's teacher. Talk things through and make a plan, no matter how farfetched his anxieties are. Make him feel in control. He feels like he needs to protect his family.

Thank you, this is helpful. I think you and 00:23 hit the nail on the head. He thinks his mother is embarrassing. She's a bit over the top, but she's not that bad. Everyone knows she means well. I think this has roots in years of trying to protect her (since he was a kid). Thanks for reminding me of that. I was so entrenched in the stress yesterday that I couldn't really see clearly. I'm going to talk to him this am and make a plan.