My mom losing interest in my kids

[Anonymous]

So this is mainly about my mom and my kids, I think ....
My parents live in Europe and see them about twice a year. 2 years ago we bought my mom an ipad, so they could skype us more easily and not have to be in the attic where the PC is.
For about a year to 18 months, Skype/FaceTime calls were very frequent and fun. Both us (kids and I) and them would initiate the calls.
Then my mom got into 'aworded' (scrabble for ipad) and started playing a lot, mostly with strangers, kind of addicted (in fact she is on it all the time). I noticed her interest in calling us diminished, my kids kept/keep calling them. Through aworded, she met a woman whom she is in touch with all the time (as in every hour), spend weekends with, etc. Again, less and less contact with us. They visited us this fall, my mom all the time on aworded or messaging the friend (like we took my parents to philly for a weekend and she was texting her all the time to tell her what she was doing)

Now, i am a bit hurt and disappointed, but i am quite over it. I experienced this kind of neglect from her as a child and teenager for similar reasons (although no ipad or texting those days). However, i dont want my kids to notice it, or should i let them notice it?
I want my mom to know i am unhappy and disappointed with her ignoring them (like not even a card for my 4 y o last birthday, used to be a card and some little gift, book or something), what to say? I think i want her to feel bad ....
On the other hand, should i be clear with my kids "grandma is busy with her friend, she forgot about x y and z (first day of school, birthday or whatever)"

My dad does not have the ipad, and he is terrible with computers and this stuff. Would like him to have more initiative but he never has had it, although he means well and has no addictions or stuff that would ever make him lose interest in the kids and I.

I am not sure I am making sense, not sure what I want to say to her .... Will go and see them this Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more about your Mom neglecting you as a kid than how she is treating your kids now. Or rather, her current behavior is reopening wounds from the past. I think many people would feel hurt or angry by her behavior, so let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. But I would not assume that your kids feel the same way - their relationship with you is much more important than their relationship with her.

By all means, be direct and let her know that you'd like her to be more involved with your kids. But I wouldn't bank on her changing.

[Anonymous]

OP again.
OK, what I want to say is 'you are a s***ty grandma and I can't believe you can switch off your grand kids like this! but this is hardly a surprise given the kind of mother you were'.

I just can't find a constructive way of wording this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
OK, what I want to say is 'you are a s***ty grandma and I can't believe you can switch off your grand kids like this! but this is hardly a surprise given the kind of mother you were'.

I just can't find a constructive way of wording this.

No need to be constructive as she is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents get to decide what kind of grandparents they will be. My parents chose to be 'vacation and holiday' grandparents and they live quite a bit closer (coastal NC). I would have liked for them to visit more often and take an interest in their grandchildren. But once they were past the baby stage, they stopped. We vist 3-5 times a year to try to to keep up the relationship. We tried skype and facetime, but we have to be the ones that initiate it all the time and the one way relationship gets tiring over time.

For some of it, for my parents, it is age. They are 82 and 84. Until now, they have been able to travel extensively, just not to us.

It still hurts from time to time and my in-laws were also not involved. They were burned out of grandparenthood when my children came around (they were the 10th and 11th) and MIL had a late diagnosis of Alzeimer's around the time the sewcond was born. Both have passed.

We tried to find some local "replacements" through out Congregation, but that hasn't worked. My children are now 14 and 16.

I don't have any wise words of wisdom, but to say that you can't change them, you can only change how you react and deal with it - they are what they are. It isn't easy. It still hits me sometimes, like at last year's orchestra concert and I saw "Billy's" grandparents - again.....

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My mother is addicted to games too, but not to the point where she ignores other people. So I understand, but am not faced with your extreme. She's just always on her iPad and frequently says, "what?" after having her nose buried in it.

It's annoying but you have to accept it. There are no magic words to make people change. She's addicted to the game and to her friend. For awhile there, it seemed like she was addicted to skyping with your kids, but she moved on. It's her personality to consume things and move on. Eventually the friend will be replaced by something else.

My advice is for you to insert yourself into her ways. Play the game with her. Make it a family time for your kids and you to play words with her at night. Reach out to this friend and get to know her. Send her pics of the kids so when she talks to your mom, they are at least talking about your kids.

Rather than your mom making the effort to be in your life, you make sure her life includes you. Learn to adapt.

[Anonymous]

Your mother definitely has issues, and they now be compounded by age. You must realize that despite her addiction personality and inability to "switch off" and transition from one activity to the other, she loves you all.

So disengage gently, don't contact her so much, and your children will not come to expect attention from their grandma that she cannot give right now.

[Anonymous]

Classic Boomer. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I'd start planning now for what will occupy you when she's older and wants her grandchildren and children close.

[Anonymous]

It takes work to keep up a long distant relationship (my dad lives across the county and we see him maybe once a year). If she's unwilling to put in any effort then they will drift and not know their grandmother. It just doesn't work if its one sided. Sad, but she clearly has no interest and you can't force her to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic Boomer. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I'd start planning now for what will occupy you when she's older and wants her grandchildren and children close.

The grandparent is in her 80's. Boomers are from the "greatest generation". I'm in my late 40s and my mom is 83. How much older do think she's going to get until she cares about her grand kids? She's self absorbed and will never change just like my mother. It hurts but you have stop contacting them and move on with your life. Your kids care about you- not their selfish grandparents. You'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic Boomer. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

I'd start planning now for what will occupy you when she's older and wants her grandchildren and children close.

The grandparent is in her 80's. Boomers are from the "greatest generation". I'm in my late 40s and my mom is 83. How much older do think she's going to get until she cares about her grand kids? She's self absorbed and will never change just like my mother. It hurts but you have stop contacting them and move on with your life. Your kids care about you- not their selfish grandparents. You'll see.

Sorry I meant Boomers are in their 60's now. OPs mother is from the "great generation".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is mainly about my mom and my kids, I think ....
My parents live in Europe and see them about twice a year. 2 years ago we bought my mom an ipad, so they could skype us more easily and not have to be in the attic where the PC is.
For about a year to 18 months, Skype/FaceTime calls were very frequent and fun. Both us (kids and I) and them would initiate the calls.
Then my mom got into 'aworded' (scrabble for ipad) and started playing a lot, mostly with strangers, kind of addicted (in fact she is on it all the time). I noticed her interest in calling us diminished, my kids kept/keep calling them. Through aworded, she met a woman whom she is in touch with all the time (as in every hour), spend weekends with, etc. Again, less and less contact with us. They visited us this fall, my mom all the time on aworded or messaging the friend (like we took my parents to philly for a weekend and she was texting her all the time to tell her what she was doing)

Now, i am a bit hurt and disappointed, but i am quite over it. I experienced this kind of neglect from her as a child and teenager for similar reasons (although no ipad or texting those days). However, i dont want my kids to notice it, or should i let them notice it?
I want my mom to know i am unhappy and disappointed with her ignoring them (like not even a card for my 4 y o last birthday, used to be a card and some little gift, book or something), what to say? I think i want her to feel bad ....
On the other hand, should i be clear with my kids "grandma is busy with her friend, she forgot about x y and z (first day of school, birthday or whatever)"

My dad does not have the ipad, and he is terrible with computers and this stuff. Would like him to have more initiative but he never has had it, although he means well and has no addictions or stuff that would ever make him lose interest in the kids and I.

I am not sure I am making sense, not sure what I want to say to her .... Will go and see them this Christmas.

Geezus some of you people are messed up.

[Anonymous]

Just let it be. At that age let them do what they want when they want. It is all about them now.