Another awkward gift opening question

[Anonymous]

My family is not Christian, my parents immigrated from the middle east many years ago, so much of this is probably cultural.

My father owns a firm and has many clients and staff gift him presents during Christmas. When my sister and I were growing up, we often had a Christmas tree and sort of did a Christmas celebration (opened gifts, had a big dinner, etc). My family would give each of us maybe one or two gifts, and my sister and I would exchange a gift. However, my father felt the need to open all the gifts he received from work at that time. So we'd often sit there while he opened 10-15 gifts. If we ever had any other family celebrate with us, I often gave them a gift so that they would have something to open in the face of all this awkwardness.

My sister and I are in our thirties now, and DH and I just had the first grandchild. My parents are having extended family come for Christmas and my family as well. But Christmas at home hasn't changed at all. Our extended family also doesn't really celebrate Christmas , but I know that they will be bringing gifts for our DC. I know that my parents are buying gifts for our DC and for DH and me, and DH and I have already purchased a combined gift for my folks. Now my fear is that we'll continue to spend our Christmas watching my father open all his gifts, watch my DC "open" about 5 gifts, and have everyone watch me and DH open a gift each, while most of the guests don't get to open anything. I asked my mom to please find gifts (however small) for the rest of the family (at least others in the same age group as DH and me), but they said that they felt like they gave them enough all year and didn't see a need to give them a gift right now.

That leaves continued awkwardness. I actually have no idea how many people and who will be there for Christmas. I'm thinking of asking my folks to not open any gifts during Christmas and only allow gifts for my DC to be opened, but am wondering if any of you had any other solutions? I'm not really up for buying a ton of gifts for people who may or may not be there on Christmas day, but have a few ideas for a couple of people. I really wish gifts weren't a part of Christmas, I wish it were more like Thanksgiving. And since they're not Christian, I really wish they wouldn't "pretend."

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

When people bring gifts for your child it is normal to reciprocate. You should be getting a small gift for your relatives if you have reason to believe they will be getting a gift for your child. You are acting like you are a kid but in reality you are now the adult here.

[Anonymous]

how weird. does everyone really strictly sit and watch? Even when we think we will everyone just kind of overlaps to move it along. Your house sounds like an SNL sketch. Just interrupt and do what you want. Start playing with your kids with their new stuff while your dad has his egofest. Go cook breakfast. Chat with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Yes! It is so awkward! And the worst part is that my parents insist on videotaping it all- like we'd ever choose to watch this again.

I mean, I used to exchange small gifts with other friends, but I didn't wait for an audience to open them. We just opened them in front of each other.

The thing is, many of the gifts my father gives are what I would call corporate gifts: fruit, chocolates, etc. nice gifys, but not personalized.

And- worse than that- they regift these corporate gifts! Imagine my disdain when on my November birthday I opened up an 11 month old box of chocolates.

[Anonymous]

You could suggest a white elephant gift exchange with the extended family. Everyone brings one wrapped gift. $20 limit or whatever works for you. That way everyone opens something. And there will be as many gifts as people so it doesn't matter who comes. If you're readers you can do a book theme where everyone brings a favorite book.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, but that sounds hilarious, imagining Dad opening up a popcorn tin, and then a box of nuts, and then some pears. And it's videotaped! Even better!

I'm sorry I don't have any useful suggestion other than I think it would be funny. Any way to make it into a drinking game with the guests? Like, every time Dad opens something with a corporate logo? This would totally work in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how weird. does everyone really strictly sit and watch? Even when we think we will everyone just kind of overlaps to move it along. Your house sounds like an SNL sketch. Just interrupt and do what you want. Start playing with your kids with their new stuff while your dad has his egofest. Go cook breakfast. Chat with your mom.

This is how Christmas has been historically with my ILs. It's painful. The first year I almost cried from boredom. My big Italian family just rips everything open and we are done in 10 minutes, ready to move on to the food. Then again, we give less.

[Anonymous]

"Mom and Dad, now that Baby is here, I hope we can do our family gift-giving in private, as I'm sure that the aunts and uncles aren't interested in watching us open each other's presents. Also, I know Dad likes to open his company presents, but Baby is not really going to have the patience to sit through that, so I hope you'll understand if we excuse ourselves at that point."

If your parents want you to open presents from them, remind them that you'd like to do so in private, as it seems rude to the guests. But you can have Baby open gifts from relatives as they are offered. It's nice if you have something to give them back--treats, maybe?--but it's not strictly necessary. Lots of families just do presents for the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, yes, you are right, this is awkward and the gifts that your father receives from clients are not meant to be opened on Christmas in front of the family. I also think it's wonderful that you are so concerned about the comfort of the other guests and worrying about reducing the awkwardness of the situation. Try asking your parents to change the approach to opening gifts. But if they don't want to change, then work on letting it go.

What I'm about to say fits our individualistic society so feel free to reject it but you are taking way too much responsibility for "fixing" the awkwardness. The odd gift opening style of your parents reflects on them, not you, and it sounds possible that they may have no interest in changing what they do so in that case you'd be better off sitting with your discomfort and reminding yourself that this is about your parents and not you.

OTOH, I know that it's easier for me, a Westerner, to say this and I know that in the Middle East many people find their identity through their family much more so than many Westerners so I don't know if this advice is useful to you or not. Good luck! Hope things change the way you want them to.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom you will be opening your presents when the guests have gone or when they're not there, and don't negotiate.

I sympathize. For a number of years we'd go to my parents for Christmas and there would be tons of gifts for me and my siblings from my parents but nothing for my DH or my siblings' spouses. My mother (the gift buyer) just didn't feel this was necessary to do. At one point she even said something like, as long as I take care of my children I figure their spouses aren't going to mind. DH actually didn't mind (he's a relaxed kind of guy when it comes to such things) but I started bringing a few gifts for DH so that he had something to open up. My own MIL is so generous to me that I felt embarrassed my parents didn't keep their SIL in mind.

Now we focus mostly on giving to the grandchildren, which is what I prefer, but my mom also has started grudgingly buying one gift each for her kid's spouses. This was only after a year when she asked me what I wanted and I gave her a small list that included one thing that I then handed to DH and said, here this if for you.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of a grab bag type exchange, with a dollar amount limit, for everyone else. You can also so small homemade gifts for everyone...those mason jars of cookie mix, bath salts....etc. very cheap and easy party favor type gift.

[Anonymous]

Your dad needs to open his work-related gifts at another time, not during the family part of Christmas. That's just strange.

As far as the other relatives, can you wrap up a bunch of low-cost items and stick them under the tree, and let each person select one at random? Buy stuff that, if there are leftover gifts, you can either use them yourself or stick them in a closet somewhere until next Christmas and give them to someone then.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if your dad opens client gifts in this manner because it makes him feel good to show everyone how valued he is...not because of the stuff. I have to assume the gifts are typical stuff like candy, cookies and fruit. Of that's the case, perhaps ask your dad in advance if he would mind passingg along those gifts to guests once opened. He gets what he wants--an audience for the look at how much people like me show, and then he looks generous with his guests.