Children of Perfect Parents
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Anonymous
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Wondering if anyone on here is the child of "perfect parents" - parents who absolutely worship each other and constantly tell their children how perfect their mother or father is.
Compared to some of the tales of family dysfunction you read about here, it sounds like a petty grievance, but it's the situation in my family and it's kind of messed up my sibling and me. Basically, it's this feeling of never measuring up to your mom or your dad, not wanting to talk to them because the conversations and implicit comparisons leave you depressed as shit, and then getting guilt-tripped for being neglectful children. Spouse's family is not like this; they just go about their business without so much saccharine. |
Anonymous
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Telling your child that your spouse/their parent is perfect sounds great. It is good for children to know their parents love each other. The word "perfect" might be a bit over the top, but I don't believe that is where the issue is here.
The problem, I believe, stems from the fact that your parents are making either implied or perhaps explicit statements about how you AREN'T perfect (well, of course not...duh) and how you don't measure up. That doesn't sound nearly so petty when you look at it that way, and I don't think you should feel bad that it annoys you. Sorry no words of advice really. Then again, you didn't really ask for that. |
Anonymous
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I always thought children of "perfect parents" meant that (instead of what you described) - the children are booked solid. The parents generally don't know what to do with their children and/or don't want to deal with their children. The children are enrolled in everything you can imagine.
That kind of parent has a point to prove that they can (in their mind) aspire to be in the next class distinction. They live through their children. But BOY are those children a mess come teenage and adult years! The children know they will never measure up to their "perfect" parent demands. |
Anonymous
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My parents have been happily married for 50 + years. I totally get where you are coming from OP. The hard part for me is that they are joined at the hip. I have no memories of doing anything with just my dad or just my mom. It was always the two of them. Plus if you confided in one, they always told the other. So I learned that I could not have an independent relationship with them. When people talk about being friends with their mom, I assume they are able to do things with just her. I can't and never have. If I call, they always run and get the other parent as well. I don't really talk to them alone on the phone either.
At this point, I don't expect it will change, unless one dies and the other lives long enough to develop a new way of relating to me. Of course, I am pretty sure they will die one after the other. I cannot imagine them living without the other. My friends think it's great that they are so in love, and it is. But there is a cost. |
Anonymous
| My DH's parents go to great lengths to present like this, but I don't buy any of it. |
Anonymous
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OP,
You're peeved b/c your parents loved each other and praised each other? Wow, tough life. 00:15, you peeved b/c you didn't get enough one-on-one time with each of your parents? Wow, get a life. |
Anonymous
Every family is dysfunctional in its own special way. 
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Anonymous
| I think there's value in openly recognizing flaws and loving people despite them. It sounds like that's missing from the equation for OP. Also sounds like OP never got the sense that she was #1, or at least tied for #1 or a viable candidate. OP, are they really perfect or is that just how they see each other? |
Anonymous
PP, my parents were every child's nightmare. Brutal violence, extreme emotional abuse, etc. I suspect my childhood would meet your standards for horror. I think OP is justified in feeling upset about her parents, and 00:15, too. Not that it matters what I, or anyone else, think. Suffering is suffering. |
Anonymous
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Humans are not perfect. It is in our DNA. If DNA were perfect we would still be anaerobic bacteria. paraphrased from Lewis Thomas.
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Anonymous
They sound less like "perfect parents" and more like "perfect people". They look at each other and see perfection well done. Sounds like marital bliss to me. Now if they are constantly comparing their perfect selves to their less than perfect children...yep, that could get old. |
Anonymous
This makes sense. My parents openly adore each other, but they never act like the other is perfect. I had a model of how to have a loving relationship while accepting that your partner has flaws. I never felt like I was being compared to her and found wanting, or that I was not also loved and valued. Is it a problem on the same scale as abusive or neglectful parents? No, of course not, but I can see how parents can be so into each other that their children feel left out, and how that can damage the parent-child relationship. |
Anonymous
This is my parents. I do wish that I could have an independent relationship with them. My mother in particular gets very upset (jealous?) if I ever tell my dad anything or if it seems as if we have any kind of conversation that doesn't include her. |
Anonymous
| Op. Are your parents narcissists? Do they notice you or know anything about you as an individual? |
Anonymous
Oh, please. One poster thinks the death of one parent will finally score her some one-on-one time. Suffering isn't suffering when you bring it on yourself. |