Scheduled to see recently sober sibling that I have not seen in years-not sure what to say
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Anonymous
| One of my siblings has been addicted to crack for many years. We have not actually seen each other for about ten years because of it (and because she does not live in the area). In fact, we had hardly spoken during all of that time. A couple of months ago, she was released from jail after being there more than a year. She has said that she has been sober since then. In the last few months we have been in touch via email and texting. I am supposed to see her soon for a very short visit. I am excited to see her-I have missed her and honestly never thought I would see her again. I am also very nervous. If anyone has experienced a similar situation before (or is now sober after an addiction), do you have any recommendations of things that are best left unsaid or, even better, things that helped you/your loved one reconnect in a positive way after being disconnected for so long? |
Anonymous
|
I think I'd say that you have missed her and were afraid you'd never see her again. Let her fill in the why...she knows why. Just let her know you are glad you can have a relationship with her again.
Also a generic offer of support if she ever needs it for any reason might be appreciated. |
Anonymous
| PP again. I should clarify that I've never been in exactly this situation, but I have been in some things somewhat similar, and based on that and just what I imagine I'd like if I were your sister is where my answer came from. |
Anonymous
| I like 22:57s response and would definitely emphasize that you are happy for her. I would also encourage her to attend AA/NA or get some other kind of support to maintain sobriety. |
Anonymous
Encouraging her to attend AA/NA is obvious. She hears that 25 times a day. |
Anonymous
Thank you all for your responses. To the pp above, are you a former addict? I ask because I would be interested to hear more from you if you are. |
Anonymous
This.....saying this to her at a "first" visit will stop the formation of any type of relationship dead in its tracks. If she is a recently jailed addict, she has been flooded with potential resources and support groups. She is probably required to attend as part of her release. She is likely already in more than one. She does not need any advice on how to get better right now. What she needs in a first visit is plenty of hugs and "I have missed my sister!!! I am glad you are back in my life and I hope that we can have a a good relationship again!" Give her a generic offer of support, but focus more on how you value you her as a sister, missed her, etc. Once you have bonded a bit, then is when you should gently ask about support groups and find out how you can support and encourage her. GL Signed, sibling of a recovering addict. |
Anonymous
| Thank you again. I am excited to see her but so nervous at the same time. |
Anonymous
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Wife of an addict who worked with addiction for years.
Be nervous. It's ok. Don't mention AA/NA, she knows what she has to do to keep sober if she's been doing it for a year and she may not be using NA as her support system. Tell her how you feel, that you miss her. She will probably be embarrassed and happy and sad. There will be crying. She will most likely make some apologies to you. The point is, the moment will flow from you both. Good luck - |
Anonymous
| The best way to develop a new relationship with her in her sobriety is to go to some Al Anon meetings herself. It will help you understand how she's growing and your role both in the past and going forward. |
Anonymous
I'd skip the Al-Anon meetings. I never found them very helpful and they are possibly harmful. I think Al-Anon tends to keep people sick. Try reading "The Recovery Book." It's an easy, basic read and will help you understand what she is going through. "Nice Girls Don't Drink" is a more sophisticated read and would also help you understand. |
Anonymous
Not PP, but I am a former addict. (20 years clean in June) It's a fine line. If you emphasize "get to a meeting" too much, it sounds like you don't trust her and are trying to run her life. It is supportive and helpful to offer rides to meetings, though, if she needs one, or to pick up a "Where and When" if she needs one. |
Anonymous
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OP, just be honest. She'll be nervous also, probably in much more layered and complex ways than you. Be glad to see her, be gentle in your approach (with yourself and with her) and take it as it comes. Don't have lots of expectations, just treat it as a chance to reconnect with someone you love. Whether it's the start or something lasting, or just a cherished happy moment in time - either is ok.
And be ready to let her say or do whatever she might feel the need to say or do (or not). It will be ok. |