Is your husband/partner proactive? Rant.

[Anonymous]

For anyone dealing with infertility: is your husband/partner proactive or is everything in your shoulders?

My husband is a lovely man, very supportive overall and a true friend - except regarding infertility and our TTC journey. When we started TTC I was only 26 years old and was constantly dismissed and had my concerns brushed off by him with comments like: "you need to relax"; "we have PLENTY of time - women in this country don't even start thinking about having babies before 30"; "I can't understand this baby fever you have - you are obsessed!"

Fast forward to 2y. and half later my OB put me on Clomid and said: "if in 6 months you are not pregnant, I will refer you to an RE". At the time (open season last year) I told my husband to change health insurance to some plan that covered fertility treatments just in case....

I did not get pregnant on Clomid alone and was finally referred to an RE - can you believe that initially he didn't even plan on going with me? I had to demand and make a stir about it! Of course the doctor agrees with me that something must be "off" and after that initial appointment my husband was supportive for a little while.

When we finally decided to do an IUI (I mean, saved the money for since he didn't really look into a better Health insurance plan like I asked last year); on our way back from the doctor (2nd appointment), he began the old talk about "we should try naturally more"!!? I really could not believe my ears and asked him for "how long" he wanted to try "naturally"... he answered "2 or 3 years - we have plenty of time". Really, that is sooo annoying!

So, we go ahead and do our first IUI - everything is going perfect: hormone levels, lining, number and size of folicus, reaction to drugs, etc... until the D-DAY, when the nurse calls to inform us that his sample was too low. Of course I was devastated (and so was he; I could see in his face), but I must confess that a very tiny part of me was glad for in those four hours he had to wait to go back and provide another sample and the 'IF" hang over his head, he felt what I do every month for the past 3.5 years!

And this week I put him on a regiment of vitamins and supplements - he is now taking about 15 pills a day and although I know it is petty, I feel oddly happy seeing him finally get some of the burden as well!

Just wanted to rant

[Anonymous]

I'm with you. My husband is now very supportive, but for a long time he really didn't seem to get what it was like to be constantly at the dr's office for blood draws, sonos, then taking Clomid, which gave me splitting headaches and made me very moody. And then the injectibles - sticking needles in my belly every night, covered with bruises, feeling like I was a human biology lab. Plus I had to deal with the curt and incompetent nurses at the dr's office (have since switched to a new practice). He just didn't seem to think any of this was a big deal (and no wonder - after all, he just had to show up at the dr's office once a month and masturbate into a cup!).

Hopefully your husband will come around and see how draining and stressful fertility treatment can be. And when he does, it will make the process much better for you. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Reading your post, it sounds like maybe your husband is not ready to have kids yet. His comment on how most women start in their thirties might be a way of saying that he would prefer waiting till you are in your thirties...His low sperm count might be due to stress, not just the stress of the IUI but overall the stress of the possibility of becoming a dad...I don't know, but maybe you need to give him a little time to get used to the idea. I do understand your frustration but pressuring your husband is not a good idea and maybe if you give him time and space he will warm up to the idea and want it just as bad as you do and his sperm count might get better b/c of it. I might be completely off about this, but it's just a feeling I got when I read your post...Best of luck to you, I hope you get pregnant soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading your post, it sounds like maybe your husband is not ready to have kids yet. His comment on how most women start in their thirties might be a way of saying that he would prefer waiting till you are in your thirties...His low sperm count might be due to stress, not just the stress of the IUI but overall the stress of the possibility of becoming a dad...I don't know, but maybe you need to give him a little time to get used to the idea. I do understand your frustration but pressuring your husband is not a good idea and maybe if you give him time and space he will warm up to the idea and want it just as bad as you do and his sperm count might get better b/c of it. I might be completely off about this, but it's just a feeling I got when I read your post...Best of luck to you, I hope you get pregnant soon.

I was thinking this as well when I read your post. Seems like you and your husband might benefit from a little heart to heart talk. You need him to be on board 100%, otherwise things will be even harder once baby is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your post, it sounds like maybe your husband is not ready to have kids yet. His comment on how most women start in their thirties might be a way of saying that he would prefer waiting till you are in your thirties...His low sperm count might be due to stress, not just the stress of the IUI but overall the stress of the possibility of becoming a dad...I don't know, but maybe you need to give him a little time to get used to the idea. I do understand your frustration but pressuring your husband is not a good idea and maybe if you give him time and space he will warm up to the idea and want it just as bad as you do and his sperm count might get better b/c of it. I might be completely off about this, but it's just a feeling I got when I read your post...Best of luck to you, I hope you get pregnant soon.

I was thinking this as well when I read your post. Seems like you and your husband might benefit from a little heart to heart talk. You need him to be on board 100%, otherwise things will be even harder once baby is here.

OP here: We had lots of "heart to heart" talk and in the past I even compromised and didn't look for help from my OB after the 1 year period of TTC they recommend. He claims he does want a baby too, but he thinks we (I) need to relax and let things work naturally. Some of the reasons I point to him to justify the need to look for treatment now and not just "wait for things to work naturally":

Although he is not old, he is older (48) - he keeps bringing up the fact that his father was 60 when he was born and he was a great daddy. Well, his father died when he was only 14 y. old....

Because of his age, adoption is not even a realistic option to us: If I recall well, at least in two countries he is not eligible to adopt any longer (over 45) and according to some light research I did, young mothers that "choose" to give their babies for adoption usually prefer "young" couples (in their 30's).

I do agree with him that we do have time and if everything was working well wouldn't be a problem to wait some time longer, but the fact is that it didn't happen "naturally" for 3.5 years so my guess is that something must be "wrong" - If something is in fact wrong/off with one of us (or both) I don't think it is wise to wait.

What seems to me is that although he wants a child, he is also kind of "scared" of the big change this child will represent in our lives. Also the fact that I am "obsessed" doesn't help much - he said to me the other day "I just want our lives back". As I told him, I want the same but unfortunately I can't control my how I feel - I tried very hard, but as the time goes by and it doesn't happen, just makes me feel worse and more trapped in all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading your post, it sounds like maybe your husband is not ready to have kids yet. His comment on how most women start in their thirties might be a way of saying that he would prefer waiting till you are in your thirties...His low sperm count might be due to stress, not just the stress of the IUI but overall the stress of the possibility of becoming a dad...I don't know, but maybe you need to give him a little time to get used to the idea. I do understand your frustration but pressuring your husband is not a good idea and maybe if you give him time and space he will warm up to the idea and want it just as bad as you do and his sperm count might get better b/c of it. I might be completely off about this, but it's just a feeling I got when I read your post...Best of luck to you, I hope you get pregnant soon.

I was thinking this as well when I read your post. Seems like you and your husband might benefit from a little heart to heart talk. You need him to be on board 100%, otherwise things will be even harder once baby is here.

OP here: We had lots of "heart to heart" talk and in the past I even compromised and didn't look for help from my OB after the 1 year period of TTC they recommend. He claims he does want a baby too, but he thinks we (I) need to relax and let things work naturally. Some of the reasons I point to him to justify the need to look for treatment now and not just "wait for things to work naturally":

Although he is not old, he is older (48) - he keeps bringing up the fact that his father was 60 when he was born and he was a great daddy. Well, his father died when he was only 14 y. old....

Because of his age, adoption is not even a realistic option to us: If I recall well, at least in two countries he is not eligible to adopt any longer (over 45) and according to some light research I did, young mothers that "choose" to give their babies for adoption usually prefer "young" couples (in their 30's).

I do agree with him that we do have time and if everything was working well wouldn't be a problem to wait some time longer, but the fact is that it didn't happen "naturally" for 3.5 years so my guess is that something must be "wrong" - If something is in fact wrong/off with one of us (or both) I don't think it is wise to wait.

What seems to me is that although he wants a child, he is also kind of "scared" of the big change this child will represent in our lives. Also the fact that I am "obsessed" doesn't help much - he said to me the other day "I just want our lives back". As I told him, I want the same but unfortunately I can't control my how I feel - I tried very hard, but as the time goes by and it doesn't happen, just makes me feel worse and more trapped in all this.

Reading your last post, I think maybe your husband is scared about not being able to be a good dad. The fact that he mentions his dad being a great dad at 60 makes me think that he is putting a lot of pressure on himself to be a good dad and he is worried that he might not be ready yet to be a good dad. If I were you, I would try to reassure him/boost his self confidence by constantly telling him how wonderful he is, what an outstanding dad he will be...etc. Don't know, but maybe this would help. Also, you should not be thinking about adoption yet (if ever), you just started seeing an RE and odds are, you WILL get pregnant with the help of the RE, so stay positive. Believing it will happen is half the battle won. Also, if it's meant to be, it will happen, try not to stress too much, stress does not help, on the contrary it reduces your chances to get pregnant.