Thanksgiving stress

[Anonymous]

Every single time I talk to my MIL my stress level skyrockets. She is coming for Thanksgiving. She has no concept of what goes into planning a dinner. She thinks I have time to drive her around to stores on Wednesday so she can shop (and no she cannot drive herself. She is from a small town and driving here scares her). She doesn't get that the kids are still in school on Wednesday, refuses to sleep on our guest bed, and insists on sleeping on our sofa in the family room. Now she just told me she wants to make a pumpkin pie. First, I already planned to make one. Second, MIL is not allowed to cook in my kitchen. The last time she did she left a HUGE mess that took me days to clean up (we are talking food inside my cabinet doors, crap everywhere etc...). She gets upset when I clean up behind her. So, I cut her off from cooking several years ago. I cannot have my house destroyed and have mice and rats like hers does. Now she is giving me some lecture on how I NEED to invite my estranged aunt to Thanksgiving. I cut ties with this family member because the stress and drama where to much for my family. So, no I have no intention of inviting her. Are the holiday's over yet because my stress level is at maximum already?

[Anonymous]

So weird. Whe the hell would someone sleep on a couch instead of a bed!!? I would stand firm and say it sets a bad example for the kids and that you don't want your couch wallowed.

I suggest you stand firm and have your dh do anything she wants and communicate with her.

Also tell her she's welcome to bring a pie (these are often made a couple of days before) but that your oven cant accommodate anything else

[Anonymous]

I would make her sleep in the bedroom. Tell her the sofa bed is broken or have DH lay down the law. It is very rude of her to insist on staying in this inconvenient place. Everyone has to be quiet in the mornng , her suitcases are in the family room, it's just inconvenient.

Why is she worried about your aunt? How does she even know this woman and why is it any of her business.

Don't let her make the pie. Make the pies before she arrives and don't take her to the grocery store.

Could you drop her off at a mall for a few hours on Wed if she wants to go shopping on Wed?

[Anonymous]

Does she want to sleep in the family room so she's aware of who is coming and going at all times and will not miss anything that goes on? My MIL wanted to try this but we told her no way. Her personal items go in the bedroom where she sleeps. No way do I want to come downstairs for my morning coffee and see her laying on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Just be firm about what is and is not possible.

I'm sorry, but I'll be cooking and getting things ready for Thanksgiving on Thursday, so won't be able to drive you shopping on Wednesday. If you want to shop, you'll have to talk to (husband, e.g. her son) and see if he can take off work to drive you around.

It's too inconvenient for the family for you to sleep in the family room. If the guest room is not suitable, we'll check around and find the nearest motel where you can stay.

I've already planned to make a pumpkin pie, so you will not need to make one.

As for Aunt Sally, unfortunately, she is not welcome in my house. You'll have to make other arrangements to see her.

It's difficult, but these things will only stress you if you let them. And if you cannot handle her or don't want to handle her, tell her to talk to her son (but make sure that you and he are on the same page before you do so).

[Anonymous]

Order Thanksgiving at whole foods. Done. No drama.

Why does she prefer the couch? As someone with back pain, sometimes some beds are not comfortable. Usually beds r better than couches, but make sure there's not a physical reason why she likes the couch.

Honestly, I just started to see the holidays as things to get through. Don't expect to enjoy them. Set your expectations very low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Order Thanksgiving at whole foods. Done. No drama.

Why does she prefer the couch? As someone with back pain, sometimes some beds are not comfortable. Usually beds r better than couches, but make sure there's not a physical reason why she likes the couch.

Honestly, I just started to see the holidays as things to get through. Don't expect to enjoy them. Set your expectations very low.

OP, please re-read the middle paragraph above. The same thing occurred to me as soon as I read about the couch. Others are assuming here that her preference for the couch is a power play or some attempt to monitor everyone, but it's possible that the last time she slept on your guest bed (or someone else's guest bed) she slept terribly -- it hurt her back, the room was too hot/too bright/too dark, whatever. That's legitimate, to me; my own mom had serious issues sleeping on certain beds due to back issues, and had great difficulty sleeping in certain light conditions. Rather than assuming the worst, why not at least feign some interest in MIL and ask her, "Do you not like the guest bed because it hurts your back or isn't comfortable?" You might find out that she's not really out just to cause trouble.

As for cooking, your husband -- not you -- needs to tell her nicely that all the food is taken care of and it's her day off all cooking duties. It does sound as if maybe she is looking for something to do and some way to contribute, so be sure you and husband find a specific task for her and talk it up so she knows it's a big deal (even if it really isn't). "The food is all taken care of and we already have a pie that will be ready, but what we really do need is for someone to...." and find a task that she would be willing to do. Sometimes people get demanding because they are just bored or feel they have no control -- and as the guest she doesn't control any of the event; for most of us that would be wonderful, but some people cannot relax until they've "helped." So help her "help."

Again, husband, not you, should be dealing with her directly, especially on Wednesday and Thursday. If husband has to work on Wednesday -- see if he can get at least some of that day off. He should take her out somewhere that day to get her out of your hair and keep her occupied. And, oh yes, to spend some time with his visiting mother.

And there's a red flag in your post that is troubling. If her house has mice and rats due to her "messy" cooking or poor food storage -- has your husband or anyone else looked into that? Is anyone checking her home to see if maybe she's got other issues, like she's starting early dementia and doesn't remember to put food away, or cooks and leaves everything out afterward thinking she did clean up, etc.? Those exact behaviors were the earliest signs of dementia in my uncle. Please don't be so wrapped up in these many small resentments that you (and especially your husband) miss what could be the more serious picture.

As for inviting the aunt -- if this is your aunt (not a relation of your MIL's/husband's) she is out of line to press you to invite her. Just do as you do when a child is insistent: Ignore or distract. If she persists, say with a huge smile, "I know you want me to invite X, but honestly, the topic's closed because of issues with her that I would rather spare you." Then change the topic. Kids are good distractions at times like that.

[Anonymous]

Activities for MIL:
I like to keep my MIL out of the kitchen for various reasons. What I've done the last few years is set her up with crafts and games to do with DC. Placecards for the table, special napkin rings, placemats (especially if you have younger diners), board games, card games, make an album, write a story.... Of course that doesn't work while the kids are in school, but it will occupy some of her time once the kids are home.

Could she polish silver or set the table? Help you get out the serving pieces? Iron the tablecloth and napkins?

Something I will do, mostly so DH knows how he can help, is create a list of things that need to be done and leave it on the kitchen counter (on the fridge or a bulletin board would work, too). When someone asks "what can I do to help", you can point them to the list. Keep things you don't want her to do (make pie) off the list, or on a separate list.

As for the sleeping arrangements...
Ask her (or have DH ask her) what you can do to make the guest room more comfortable for her. Harder bed? Put a board under it. Softer? Get a topper of some sort. Too cold? Space heater. Too warm? Fan. Too bright? Better window treatments (this might be tough to do in two weeks notice).

[Anonymous]

You ban your MIL from cooking in your house? That seems pretty harsh. And I also would be stressed if someone was cleaning up behind me. This is only a couple of days and probably means a lot to your family to have her there. I'd suggest you take a deep breath and try to be more accomodating, even if she's difficult.

[Anonymous]

Is DH getting these same earfuls, or just you?

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a major pain in the a$$. Decide what will make your life easiest and have your husband set her straight. She's a guest, not a paying resident in your home.

[Anonymous]

Let her sleep on the couch, as she might have a reason like back pain or being accustomed to falling asleep in front of the tv. But don't feel the need to tiptoe around if you and the kids are up early.

With the pie, can she make it before she gets there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ban your MIL from cooking in your house? That seems pretty harsh. And I also would be stressed if someone was cleaning up behind me. This is only a couple of days and probably means a lot to your family to have her there. I'd suggest you take a deep breath and try to be more accomodating, even if she's difficult.

I don't let anyone cook in my kitchen either. Certain pans (like one I use only for eggs) have had to be replaced multiple times after people ruined their predecessors. Nothing to do with lightening up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So weird. Whe the hell would someone sleep on a couch instead of a bed!!? I would stand firm and say it sets a bad example for the kids and that you don't want your couch wallowed.

I suggest you stand firm and have your dh do anything she wants and communicate with her.

Also tell her she's welcome to bring a pie (these are often made a couple of days before) but that your oven cant accommodate anything else

I sleep on the couch a lot at my own house and sometimes at my mom and grandmom's house...of all the issues...this is the one to let go...as in LET.THAT. SHIT.GO....
Buy her pumpkin pie ingredients ahead of time so you do not have to go to the store on wednesday...maybe suggest that you make your pies TOGETHER...if that won't work...just clean up behind her..but having an extra pie...so what...the cleaning I get..the extra pie...not so much

[Anonymous]

I understand. I have extended family who are visiting this weekend and because of cooking conflicts (he's a chef who likes to cook and leave a huge mess that I end up cleaning), have decided to take everyone out to dinner. I've put Keurig coffee pots in each guest room so guests can help themselves while my hubby and I have coffee alone before we venture down to the kitchen area. I let guests use a car if they want anything special from the grocery store and tell them to help themselves in the morning. I also, make my DS's schedule very clear to everyone. They know we work around his activities. Being straight forward about it makes the holidays a lot easier.