Breaking family tradition

[Anonymous]

For five years, dh, the kids, and I left the area and celebrated Thanksgiving on our own, and we all loved having a relaxing day with just ourselves. We made our own holiday traditions, and were very happy. We like to watch football, talk, and just hang out and enjoy one another's company.

We moved back to the area a few years ago, and have found our extended family overwhelming. Nobody but us wants to watch football, and really, it's just chaotic with everone in the house. I can't remember the last time I sat down in a chair before the meal was on the table.

Really, Thanksgiving has been nothing but torturous for us the past several years. I end up doing the cooking for everyone because everyone else tries to get creative, and they're NOT good at it. Examples include mashed potatoes with hummus, chestnuts and oregano incorporated into the standard green bean casserole, and squash substituted for pumpkin in the pies. Believe me, there's more... But the food should really be secondary to the family anyway - I get that. It's just all so hard.

Also, extended family includes mom/stepdad (neither of whom cooks/cleans up), sister and BIL and their 5 kids, my cousin, his wife, and their 30-something dd (who still lives at home with them and has never held a job) and her 3 kids. I love these people, but in addition to doing most of the cooking, I do 80% of the cleanup.

God, I sound like a bitch. I might be somewhat...

That said, I just want to have a nice Thanksgiving that doesn't stress me out. Dh and the kids have been pushing for this as well. I do not want to hurt the extended family's feelings, though. So rock - me - hard place.

Any advice? How can I balance what makes my family happy with insulting the rest of the family? How can I make this about what I need instead of having it be a rejection of the family? Is that impossible?

[Anonymous]

For this year, if you're already committed to hosting, just do it and dvr the games and watch football and eat leftovers on Friday. Next year, make plans to go away and rent a place for your family only. We have done that and blame the kids sports schedule for not being able to do any weekend trips until Thanksgiving. My family doesn't want to travel so it works out for me.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, we won't be able to "do" Thanksgiving this year, but you guys have a great time!"

[Anonymous]

I agree you are under no obligation, but I also suggest you ask how others in your immediate family feel. I know my mom hated Tgiving with her family. She would much rather have stayed at home and eaten a TV dinner. She didn't go for us, but because she didn't want to admit hating it. No matter, I am so glad she kept going because I LOVED those family gatherings as a kid. It was one of the few times I really felt part of a loving family (my parents hated each other by the time I came along).
I am the Tgiving host now, which includes a house full of overnight guests. It is definitely brings stress, but I know my son loves the day as much as I did, so I keep it up. Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

you could lighten your load by ordering some of the food instead of cooking everything yourself. or making food in advance and just preheating it the day of.

you could put the football game on and some appetizers on the coffee table while everything is getting ready? would your family just turn it off? or are they talking the entire time and you can't pay attention?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the ideas an feedback, everyone. I don't host (we live in what DCUM fondly refers to as a "shitshack" - 1850 SF) because we dont don't have room for 9 adults and 10 kids inside. If we could host (planning an addition that would make it possible), I think it'd be easier, as I could just turn the game on and have everything ready when guests arrived. As it is, I have to schlep across town with everything!

And thanks for not making me feel like a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you consider going over to the Thanksgiving dinner "just for dessert"? For years, DH and I had to split our T'givings with our local parents and we alternated dinner, then dessert at parents' houses each year.

I would try to compromise and join the family for just part of the time.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at complaining about Butternut Squash Pie. It's delicious.

Seriously though, you should just let go a little. Why not make the turkey, one or two sides, and a dessert that your family really like and then let your annoying relatives bring their disasters? You can pick sides that freeze well and make them now to further lessen the stress.

As far as not watching the game, it's your house isn't it? Put on what you want. Maybe it will make them leave early.

[Anonymous]

Get out of town. Find someplace nice to travel, a cabin or something, just the few of you.

The rest of the family will figure out a way to get it done without you. That will make it easier to explore more flexible options next year. They'll have figured out it can be done without you carrying the load, so you won't be upsetting quite as big an apple cart.

[Anonymous]

I should have said, get back out of town. Back to your own family tradition that you enjoyed so much. Surely they were able to do things without you back then.

[Anonymous]

or make a reservation!

[Anonymous]

Do your own thing. But also realize that you're modelling behavior for your children and some day they may do the same thing to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your own thing. But also realize that you're modelling behavior for your children and some day they may do the same thing to you.

This was exactly my thought.

[Anonymous]

OP, we spend every Thanksgiving with my husband's family. I've been allowed to host once during nine years of marriage. It used to bug me, and then we instituted what we call Secret Thanksgiving: we cook our own turkey dinner at our house on Friday. MIL gets to host, I get to cook my own turkey, husband gets all the leftovers he wants, everyone is happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post reminded me to be grateful that we don't have any extended family in the area. Like you, I love my sibs, S/BILs, nieces and nephews, cousins, etc. spouses, their kids, but I am most grateful on T-day for our quirky, laid-back, just the five of us holiday tradition. (We cook, take the dog to the park, play poker -- actually my extended family always did that -- and watch a movie. It's fabulous -- we've been doing it since our youngest was born and she's a junior in HS now.)

That said, you're here now, so you've got to make the best of it. First, let go of the food thing. Really, I mean this as someone who loves to cook and eat, and who worships at the altar of Julia, Marcella, Alice, Diana and Nigella. You cannot impose your aesthetic preferences on others if you're not willing/able to host and cook it all yourself. Remember, that on Friday or on Saturday or even on Sunday you can cook your own preferred menu for just you, DH and the kids.

Second, you've got to recruit folks to pitch in at clean-up time. Sure, be lighthearted about it, but be firm too -- it's not fair for one person to do 80% of the clean-up

Third, don't go for the whole afternoon and evening (as a kid, I recall that this was the worst part of extended family holidays). Instead, figure out what the maximum amount of time is that you can put up with the craziness and the minimum that you can stay without insulting or hurting anyone's feelings. Set your time of departure, tell your hosts in advance what that is, and then stick to it. Blame the kids' sports or HW schedules, offer your profuse excuses and bountiful thanks and just head back over the river and through the woods to your very own house, where you can put your feet up and watch west coast football (and may I just take this opportunity to say: GO STANFORD; BEAT CAL!!!)

Finally, be sure to find other, less fraught times during the year when you can gather with extended family (in small doses). Those times, too, can become a tradition that your kids will cherish.