Do you actually tell a 5-year-old that he was rejected?

[Anonymous]

I've been following this forum to learn more about the application process (we're next year) and I'm wondering--

after your child has gone on "play dates" at a bunch of schools, and maybe likes the cool facilities and people there, and senses the parents' excitement and interest in the process, what happens when he's rejected? Like if he says "I want to go to the school with the green slide on the playground," and they dinged him, what do you say about why he can't go there?

Do you try to hide the ball from your kids so that they don't really know what the process is about? So that they don't know that you like one school more than another, in case they only get into the less favored school?

It just seems so young to be tested and evaluated and included or excluded. For my child if we go this route next year, it would be the first experience of its kind.

[Anonymous]

I definitely hid the whole thing from DS; he didn't even know we were considering schools for him other than the one that we ultimately sent him to. For the visits, I just explained that he got to"go visit" other schools (he was in a preschool that had visitors from time to time, so it was easy enough to say, "just like your class has visitors, well, this time it's your turn to go visit"). I am glad we took this approach. He was waitlisted at two schools, but since he didn't know about anything, there was no need for explanation or soothing at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, trust yourself when you say "it just seems so young to be tested and evaluated, included or rejected."

Think about statement long and hard.

Believe me, the kids do not get caught up in the "excitement" of this like we nutty parents do. I agree with PP; best to play it down and not even let him know it's a try-out in the first place.

[Anonymous]

One benefit of applying at such a young age is that you CAN shield them from the negative part of the process. I cannot imagine going through it with a middle school or high school aged child. our DC applied at the K level and visited 3 schools, liking the most recently visited school the best each time. Of course, the hardest to get into was last. But, the amount of time that passed between visits and decision letter time was so long that DC's memory of each place wasn't asking many questions.

We did not talk about the process within earshot of DC AT ALL after the visits. We fielded some general questions about where he'd be going next year as he knew his preschool ended at his grade. We answered with "I don't know yet." He wanted to know if a current classmate would be going w/him, etc. We didn't make any complicated story up, just gave the truth - we don't know and won't know for awhile so let's focus on enjoying our last year at preschool.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was 4 when she applied; by the time we told her where she would be going to school she was 5. From the beginning, we framed the process as, "We're going to find out how you like to learn and what school we think would be good for you." After playdates we never asked what other kids did, what the teachers said, or anything that might make it sound like she was being evaluated or compared. We just asked if she had fun, what she did, what she liked about it. When it had all shaken out, we said, "Next year you'll be going to X, and you'll be with your friend Y, and you'll have a lot of fun." She did have a (mild) preference for two schools she did not get into, but I don't think she senses (yet) that she was passed over. She said once, "I liked school Z, but you picked school X," and I was happy to be the fall guy. It helped a great deal that she had a good friend who was going to the same school. Also, we never say anything to the effect of "we didn't think schoool Z would be a good fit for you." We just say, "we think your school is great."

Sorry to ramble a bit; hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

I am framing the whole thing as that WE are picking the school, not vice versa (which I happen to believe). She is helping us with that by visiting, going on playdates, etc. We do not discuss it too much and I have occasionally said that A LOT of kids are trying to decide too! It is a busy time. I hug her and tell her she will be in the school that is just right for her!