I cannot deal with my mother's worrying about me and everything around me

[Anonymous]

DCUM,

I need some advice on how to respond to this most recent exchange. I am 39 and pregnant - we just told my mom while we were there for a short visit over the weekend. Her only response was to be worried about me. I lost a pregnancy last year. I have had an extremely stressful 3 months at work that wound down last Friday. I honestly wondered at times if my work situation was going to freaking make me have a miscarriage (only half kidding). I obviously didn't tell her that, but she knew how much I had been working, and when we were visiting her I was VERY tired and took a bunch of naps - frankly we can't nap a lot b/c we have a young daughter, so it was very nice and relaxing.

Anyway I just get this email from her that basically said, "It was good to see you, but your visit was too short. I don't mean to be unenthusiastic about you being pregnant, I'm just so concerned about you."

Because she has passed this cycle of anxiety/worry right down to me, this type of thing just sets me in a tailspin of anxiety. Why can't she just be supportive and happy? What is she worried about? 39 year olds have babies all the time. I want to write her and be like STOP pushing YOUR WORRY onto ME but I don't know how to say this. She is highly insecure and sensitive as well.

Does anyone else have this 'worry' dynamic with their mom? How do you handle it? Honestly I don't tell her lots of things because I just cannot deal. I had an abnormal mammo last year and a biopsy, and my daughter had some medical tests done this year to check for something that had a small chance of being scary. It was all fine - but she knows nothing about either one b/c I CANNOT deal with her projecting all of her crap back onto me during what is already a stressful situation. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this. I ignore it all. For her it's pathological. She can't help herself from prattling on about whatever she is worried about, or sending me emails about it. I listen politely and change the subject. Occasionally she'll have a good point and I file it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is like this. I ignore it all. For her it's pathological. She can't help herself from prattling on about whatever she is worried about, or sending me emails about it. I listen politely and change the subject. Occasionally she'll have a good point and I file it away.

Yup this is pretty much what I do as well. It is pathological for my mom too. I appease her in some ways (if I'm on vacation I give her the name/number of hotel, let her know I've arrived safely, keep her updated on legs of my journey if I have lay overs, etc).

[Anonymous]

I do not. But I do have experience relieving myself of responsibility for my mom's feelings. You are not responsible for how she feels. She is alliwed to have her own feelings. Let her have them, but you are not responsible for them. Live your life, maybe you don't talk to her much about your pregnancy, but keep happy and carry on.

[Anonymous]

I don't find that email upsetting. You were overworked and exhausted - and you have a young child and you are pregnant. She's your mom and she's concerned about her daughter.

I think this is more about your own anxiety and stress. You can't expect her to walk on eggshells around you, always worried that anything but positive enthusiasm is going to hurt you.

Find ways to manage your own anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Or she could be like my Mom when I lost my pregnancy, she was completely unsupportive and just said next time you think you are pregnant, make sure you are really pregnant before you tell people! Mostly my Mom is sensitive, but she was completely unsupportive during my D&C and afterwards.

[Anonymous]

My mom was weird and sort of avoided me when I was pregnant, and never acted like she was happy for us. Some time later in the pregnancy (or maybe even after the baby was born) I realized that was the only way she could keep herself from burdening me with her worry.

I think the email sounds sincere and honest. I wish my mom would have said the same to me, rather than act unhappy and unsupportive.

[Anonymous]

OP,

She sent you one email?

This isn't a cycle. It's an incident. Shake it off.

Tell her directly that you appreciate her concerns but she needs to keep the negative to yourself.

My mom has OCD and obsesses over the negative and will bring up things repeatedly. What you experienced is small potatoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't find that email upsetting. You were overworked and exhausted - and you have a young child and you are pregnant. She's your mom and she's concerned about her daughter.

I think this is more about your own anxiety and stress. You can't expect her to walk on eggshells around you, always worried that anything but positive enthusiasm is going to hurt you.

Find ways to manage your own anxiety.

+1

The problem is you and your reaction. Not your mom.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. No, it's not just one email. It's a lifetime of her obsessing and worrying and telling everyone all the time how upset she is about everything and everyone walking on eggshells around her. More specifically, it's after a weekend of her telling me how worried she is about me maybe 10 times and then sending this email to confirm that she can't be happy for me because she is too busy being worried. I agree I also have developed anxiety problems recently and I have every intention of dealing with it before I turn into her and pass it down to my own kids.

I think the first several PP's have good advice - thanks so much.

[Anonymous]

I think you should tell your mom that YOU are worried about HER.

Send her a gift certificate to get a massage or a facial.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you Jewish?
Just thought I'd ask.

[Anonymous]

my mil does this to her daughter. she acted so strange after my sils miscarriages that i would probably never tell if i ever had one. i think you shoud tell her kindly but firmly how you feel. i thought it was so awkward the walking on eggshells my mil did with my sil. if its bothering you tell her.

i dont let my mom do this to me but i watch her do it to my sister sometimes.

and i dont think its strange that you kept the medical stuff to yourself. i did that during pregnancy complications (including the time we were at an out of town wedding with my inlaws and my dh spent the night in the er for a pregnancy thing and they still have no idea!) and i will never tell my inlaws and probably my parents much medical info about me or my children. i dont tell my mil because she is such a gossip and has no privacy filter. and i dont tell my mom because she just creates these terrible possibilities and puts them on you even if they are so far fetched. and because she will also tell my mil of she wants to.

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this too. I find it helpful to contradict her when she voices irrational anxieties. It helps me to counter them out loud, like saying it out loud convinces me they're irrational. I also tell her to please calm down. It may not be the nicest thing to do, but I can't continue to absorb her irrational anxieties. I've worked really hard to try to overcome all the anxiety in my life. My mother and I have a loving relationship so I don't mean to sound harsh.

[Anonymous]

I don't find that email upsetting. You were overworked and exhausted - and you have a young child and you are pregnant. She's your mom and she's concerned about her daughter.

I think this is more about your own anxiety and stress. You can't expect her to walk on eggshells around you, always worried that anything but positive enthusiasm is going to hurt you.

Find ways to manage your own anxiety.

+1. The traits we find so annoying in others are usually traits we possess ourselves.