Feeling down

[Anonymous]

I am 30, F and single. I have been in many relationships, got married and divorced. I have been in love once. Yes, I was the common denominator of all of my failed relationships and then I sometimes question what makes me choose these men? A bit of a background, I have always had guys around me, I was in that cast of somewhat popular, attractive girls who did not really have to work hard to get dates, be asked out ect but I never took advantage of it. If anything, I always felt bad for the ones I had to say No to. It’s hard for me to trust people, so most of the time I wouldn’t be in a relationship, even though everyone thought I was because “yeh someone like you have guys all over her”. The first person I fell in love with betrayed me and broke my heart and I never had a chance to fall out of love, to do it properly, thoroughly because it all happened so quickly and was all sudden and the result was he was still gone but still there “like a phantom limb, and just like a true phantom limb, the preponderance of feelings associated with him were painful”. I was 20 at the time and I closed that door and moved and everyone kept saying how strong I was, but I wasn’t , I was hurt inside but never showed it, always smiling. After that breakup, I dated guys just to date, I had no interest in them, I did it to get out, socialize, and also to convince myself that my ex was not that important and I could replace him overnight. However, I always got out of those relationships when I realized the guy was getting too invested emotionally and because I wasn’t emotionally invested, it was easy for me to just call it off overnight. Eventually, I grew out of that stage and met my ex husband, I thought he was different and I could trust again till I realized the web of lies I got myself into and how I couldn’t trust anything he said. So, I got out of that marriage and in a serendipity way, met again with my first love and he convinced me that he was a changed man, that I was the love of his life and everything that happened 10 years ago has been torturing him and he never got over him and I had to give us a chance again, that it was destiny blab la bla. Ect. And I wanted to believe him, so I did and I gave us a second chance, after all, he was the only man I ever loved with that innocent, crazy love. Needless to say, despite his promises, he broke my heart again, 10 years later, for the 2nd time, betrayed again, and found out everything one more time was a lie. I was really shaken by this, and asked myself why I allowed someone who hurt me years ago in my life again? Why did I believe all the things he said? Why would I allow the same thing to happen again? What is wrong with me that I invite these people in my life? And I don’t think I am naive, if anything I am very strong-willed, careful, and do not trust easily, takes me a long time to actually trust someone and let myself be vulnerable. But I always make the wrong call, i-e trust the wrong people. I have thought about this again and again, and I don’t see anything in my past, or childhood ( had a good happy childhood, no abuse, lost my dad when I was in elementary school was raised by my mom) that could make me this way. Sometimes, I think that maybe I am not destined to be happy, maybe I am one of those career women, who get very good and successful in their career but are never going to be romantically happy. And maybe that is okay not all of us are going to find our perfect match in life, and I have to accept that, but sometimes I just wonder why? Especially a day like today, I am just very depressed about it all, wondering where I went wrong. I'm tired of relationships that are always painful.” I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of waiting by the phone, and second-guessing what a guy says and trusting someone not to hurt me. Again. I've been storming the relationship castle for many years , and I still don't have my prince. I've got a bunch of battle scars from the field and I want to go home and nurse my wounds. I don't want to fight anymore.”

Sorry about this long post, I just needed to get it out somewhere.

[Anonymous]

This is the way of love, there are no guarantees. 30 is young.

I tend to make bad decisions about relationships. The people I'm drawn to are usually nuts. I can look back and see why I gravitate towards those people. It seems normal to me.

Seek therapy. Stop being all doom and gloom. Look for someone outside your comfort zone.

Also, paragraph breaks would be useful.