How can I be happy?

[Anonymous]

My marriage sucks. All intimacy is over- no sex, no affection, we don't touch each other. Daily life is so unpleasant when husband is around. Things have been this way for years. We have 2 small kids- 3 and 5. The 5 year old has some special needs. I do feel I need to stay for the short to medium term. As bad as things are, there's no abuse, addiction or cheating. Also, I don't want to give up time with my kids. I know most of you will recommend that we should separate, but for various reasons, The time is not right.

Until I'm ready to get out, I need to come up with ways to make myself happy within my crappy marriage. I don't have many friends left, and my relationship with my family is very dysfunctional. I'm just feeling very alone, and sad. I work part-time, but my job isn't very fulfilling either. I feel like there's very little fun or pleasure left in my life. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know many of you will mention that life is always tough when the kids are little, but my husband had been a jerk long before we had kids. I guess I was optimistic that things would get better. I realize the marriage is over, but I need to be happy despite this fact. Sorry for rambling!

[Anonymous]

marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

Individual counseling. My marriage was dysfunction, but I still knew how to be happy (both before and after the divorce).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage sucks. All intimacy is over- no sex, no affection, we don't touch each other. Daily life is so unpleasant when husband is around. Things have been this way for years. We have 2 small kids- 3 and 5. The 5 year old has some special needs. I do feel I need to stay for the short to medium term. As bad as things are, there's no abuse, addiction or cheating. Also, I don't want to give up time with my kids. I know most of you will recommend that we should separate, but for various reasons, The time is not right.

Until I'm ready to get out, I need to come up with ways to make myself happy within my crappy marriage. I don't have many friends left, and my relationship with my family is very dysfunctional. I'm just feeling very alone, and sad. I work part-time, but my job isn't very fulfilling either. I feel like there's very little fun or pleasure left in my life. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know many of you will mention that life is always tough when the kids are little, but my husband had been a jerk long before we had kids. I guess I was optimistic that things would get better. I realize the marriage is over, but I need to be happy despite this fact. Sorry for rambling!

I disagree. I don't think most of us would recommend separation/ divorce for the reasons you've listed, at all. What most of us would recommend is that you fix your attitude, and your marriage. For some reason, you chose this man who was "a jerk" long before youi had kids, and had kids with him anyway. You have an obligation to all of them now to make this work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your comments so far. We have tried marriage counseling, which was helpful to a point, but the recommendation in the end was to separate in the best possible way for the kids.

I married this person because of my own low self esteem issues, and likely me thinking I couldn't do any better and didn't deserve any better.

[Anonymous]

Find something that you love and makes you happy. I know that sounds cliche and is much easier said than done.

For me that means finding a challenge/goal. Can you pick something physical, like running a 5k? Or learning to knit? Or reading a certain number of books.

Personally, socializing really helps me. Can you join a club or something that gets you outside of your world one night a week? Sorry I don't have anything more concrete to offer. Hard without knowing you.

Hugs!

[Anonymous]

You absolutely MUST find some GOOD female friends and go out with them whenever possible. Emotional connections with other people!!!

[Anonymous]

Could you change to a job you like more? That would probably really help and it's a concrete identifiable change you can focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely MUST find some GOOD female friends and go out with them whenever possible. Emotional connections with other people!!!

+1

Meet a friend to watch TV with (what kind do you like? historical dramas? crime mysteries? Science fiction?), someone to sit with at book club, a fellow mom or two who will go to the playground with you and the kids, someone to take yoga with, whatever activities you have -or want to have- in your life. Having good friends will make all the difference.

[Anonymous]

If you guys are planning to end it, why not open your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your comments so far. We have tried marriage counseling, which was helpful to a point, but the recommendation in the end was to separate in the best possible way for the kids.

I married this person because of my own low self esteem issues, and likely me thinking I couldn't do any better and didn't deserve any better.

And then you went on to have kids with him. Don't you owe them a little more effort at saving the family YOU created?

[Anonymous]

I would suggest getting screened for depression. Yes, a bad marriage can bleed over into other areas, but when you say there's no pleasure in your life, that's a flag.

Get active--yoga, hiking, the gym, a dance class, whatever--something that gets you out and gets you moving. Or take a class or join a book club or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Your low self-esteem issues will not go away. If you stay with him you will stay miserable. If you split up with him you will find a new man who is an asshole, because your low self-esteem will drive you to. And who knows what the new man will do to your kids? So it looks to me like you need to focus on getting counseling for yourself, to see if you can resolve your issues. And do what's suggested above--activities you like with friends you like, becoming more active. Focus on healing yourself, otherwise no matter what you do, you will repeat negative patterns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your low self-esteem issues will not go away. If you stay with him you will stay miserable. If you split up with him you will find a new man who is an asshole, because your low self-esteem will drive you to. And who knows what the new man will do to your kids? So it looks to me like you need to focus on getting counseling for yourself, to see if you can resolve your issues. And do what's suggested above--activities you like with friends you like, becoming more active. Focus on healing yourself, otherwise no matter what you do, you will repeat negative patterns.

This! This poster said it so well. Get individual counseling for yourself as well as participate in somethig active. Improving yourself will make you a better parent to your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks to everyone here who posted such good advice. I do have a couple of good friends, but with busy schedules and my own stress, I don't see them as often as I would like. I would like to make more friends, but I feel like people don't like me (low self esteem again). I find it hard to click with people, even though I am fun, and pretty normal, for the most part (in spite of the problems I've described).