Why Is Making A Date for Later A Rejection?

[Anonymous]

DH wanted to get frisky this morning. I told him I had an 11 am deadline at work but how about tonight?

He got very upset and said it was a rejection. I said it wasn't a rejection, but I had to finish getting ready and be out the door in 5 minutes and thought we should have more than 5 minutes for that. He said that although it wasn't a no, never it was still a no for right now and that was a rejection. We are supposed to be scheduling this twice a week at his request. True, we have missed some of our scheduled times in the last two weeks but it wasn't because I told him no at those times. Sometimes I have been initiating "off schedule", like last Friday night, since the schedule hasn't been working well for the last two weeks.

I don't understand what is wrong with what I did. It seems like an awful lot of drama for what seems to me to be a simple request. It is not like those "I've lived five years in a sexless marriage" posts we get on here, so I really don't get it. Can some DCUD explain it to me?

[Anonymous]

I know that it really annoys me when my wife says "I don't feel like it now but I promise we'll do it tomorrow morning" because more than 50% of the time we don't, and then it feels like she broke a promise. I'd rather she just say no and leave it at that then make some claim she's not going to follow through on. Not sure if this has any relevance to your situation.

[Anonymous]

even if it was a rejection, is he, what, 2 that he has not learned yet to deal with some nos? wife here, so no DCUD point of view, but all this scheduling twice a week, been upset if you say no to a quick thing just before leaving in the morning, sounds not that romantic. he is keeping tabs on the missed scheduled "appointment?". he is going to deny the end of the year bonus if you miss too many?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that it really annoys me when my wife says "I don't feel like it now but I promise we'll do it tomorrow morning" because more than 50% of the time we don't, and then it feels like she broke a promise. I'd rather she just say no and leave it at that then make some claim she's not going to follow through on. Not sure if this has any relevance to your situation.

NP here. I do this and I will try not to. You are right. I suppose it is sort of breaking a promise. I do mean it when I say it...and then find that I'm tired the next day too.

[Anonymous]

You are right that it is not that romantic. OP here. So I am trying to figure out how to think about it so that I can see it in another lgiht. Otherwise, it becomes a duty I have to do to keep him from being petulant, and that doesn't sound like a good path to be on.

PSA for husbands - romance can never be overrated. In the early Facebook days when there were those things going around like "List 25 things about yourself," I wrote one. One of the things I wrote on my list was that I am a sucker for a hand on the small of my back. I wanted to write HINT! HINT! next to it. Sometimes it is the little things.

Now back to some DCUDs explaining the man's view to me (I hope). PP might be right that he thinks it won't happen tonight because Fridays tend to be tough for us. He goes to the gym until late and then is crashed when he gets home. I guess we'll see what happens!

[Anonymous]

The fact that you have had conversations and are creating a schedule would tend to indicate that there are intimacy issues within your marriage. it may be that this delay is kind of a trigger for past rejections, bringing out the same feelings. I assume this morning was not one of the scheduled times? In the past when you have said later, do you make sure later happens?

And don't get mad at him for voicing how he feels. If he feels rejected he needs to figure out how to deal with that but he is entitled to his feelings. Don't shut him down or invalidate him and tell him it wasn't rejection. maybe now you know you need a conversation to talk through what happened this morning as a way of working through your intimacy issues.

[Anonymous]

Been there OP. I couldn't muster up the lust for my DH he wanted. One of the many reasons we are divorced.

If you want to stay married, my advice: Fake it til you make it. Don't say no. Work is less of a priority than your marriage and husband.

This is why I don't ever want to be married again. Sex becomes a chore and obligation instead of being based in real desire. When I jump my boyfriend about once a week, I am SO hungry for it.... Not like sex was with an unelpful slob sitting on the couch, scratching his balls, drinking beer, watching football, NOT helping with the kids... and then whining about why he's not getting laid enough. Ugh. Such a turn off.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the perspectives, PP. I will try to see it from his point of vew and be careful not to make him feel rejected. Hopefully then the duty element will subside and the romance element will return!

[Anonymous]

Don't worry the contractor took care of him at work

[Anonymous]

I think you both have valid points of view. I'm a woman, but when I'm horny I sometimes get uncharacteristically cranky and unreasonable if my partner's not up for it at that moment.

Other times, I put him off because I've got other stuff to do, and I just don't want him then.

It would probably be good if you texted him and told him to save some energy for your date tonight. Men like to have something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Part of avoiding rejection is NOT initiating sex when the other person clearly, obviously cannot have sex at that moment. Your husband sounds extremely manipulative to me. I don't make demands of people that they obviously can't fulfill and then claim rejection when my demands aren't fulfilled. If I were struggling to get out the door because I had an important work project due and my husband told me that he was frisky and wanted to have sex I would laugh in his face. This isn't rejection, it's reality.

[Anonymous]

I understand the situation, sort of. I can not tell you how many times my wife has said tonight we can get frisky. Well, it never happens.

It only happens in the moment. Never planned. And enjoy the moment. Life is frail. Medical issues (not ED, but cancer) removed my desire for the better part of 18 months, and recover from surgeries limited what I could do (no stress in the abdomen...causes pain). We have had intercourse twice since my diagnosis: once the night before the first surgery, and once after the Bruce Springsteen Concert at Nats Park (that set me back for months). Now, it is hands and mouths.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I respond emotionally to being turned down. Rain checks and denial are one in the same, IMO. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

There's someone else going on here, OP. Is he going through a bout of insecurity?

And, really, you couldn't have just taken 5 minutes and ridden him like a cowgirl?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I made good on my promise. Hopefully that will help if there is another time I have to turn him down on a spontaneous thing. We are scheduled (per the schedule) for tonight, so hopefully that will help him feel not rejected. I never say it's not the right night. In fact, sometimes I have initiated on non-scheduled nights.

I don't know why he feels insecure about this, but I will do everything I can to make sure he sees that I am still interested. We are of an age where things tend to slow down quite a bit for most people, but neither of us have any reason why that needs to happen, so I will make sure it doesn't.

Thanks to the PPs who helped to explain it.