reconciliation after discipline/anger/etc.

[Anonymous]

Dad here. Advice on how to reconcile after being upset at my daughters? I normally don't yell. Never any physical abuse. Ever. Never any verbal abuse. Again, ever. I blew up yesterday. Bad.

I don't necessarily regret what I said so much as how I said it. I yelled. I feel terrible. But I think what the girls did justified some sort of discipline otherwise I wouldnt be doing my fatherly duty. I did put them in timeout. But the real issue is how to talk to my 4 and 5 year olds after I yelled at them. Any advice?

-concerned and loving single dad.

[Anonymous]

What I have said is, "even when I'm mad at you, I still love you." That has sparked conversation with my daughter, 4, who also then tells me that when she's mad at me, she still loves me. I have apologized for yelling at my daughter. I think it's appropriate to apologize to a young child. But I think what you've said here is great - you're not suggesting that discipline wasn't appropriate, just not yelling, and that you're sorry, and that you still love them, even when you're mad.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I told them that afterwards. I just dont like myself when I get to the point that I yell. Not being a yeller, I suppose, I am not used to it.

Thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

Your girls are old enough to understand you saying that you were very angry/upset but that you wish you had been calmer. It can be a very powerful teaching moment when a parent apologizes and demonstrates how a situation could have been handled differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girls are old enough to understand you saying that you were very angry/upset but that you wish you had been calmer. It can be a very powerful teaching moment when a parent apologizes and demonstrates how a situation could have been handled differently.

Agree. I've only really yelled a few times, and that when my child was doing something extremely dangerous. I always apologize and explain at his level. It's good for them to see that adults work on their behavior as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I told them that afterwards. I just dont like myself when I get to the point that I yell. Not being a yeller, I suppose, I am not used to it.

Thanks PP.

Nobody likes themselves when they yell at their kids. There's always this feeling that if you were a better parent you could use positive discipline, logical consequences, etc. and everything would always run smoothly. But that's not the case. Kids are human and they are unpredictable at times. You are human too and sometimes they really push your buttons. I think it's great that you are an infrequent yeller. I am too, and I find that the rare occasion when I do lose my cool it really gets their attention. I don't go on 15-minute screaming and name-calling rampages like my mom did, but I will raise my voice now and then. I wish I never did it but I also think I am overall a really good mom. When things have cooled off I talk about it with my kids and explain why I got so upset but make it clear that my love for them is unconditional.