Advice from parents isn't helpful
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Anonymous
| My parents are smart people and usually voice their unsolicited opinions/advice on various things and, up until the last few years, those opinions/advice have been helpful which I appreciate. Over the past few years the quality and thoughtfulness of their advice has declined. I've tried to explain my concern that while I know they're trying to be helpful when they volunteer information that's factually inaccurate it does more harm than good but it keeps happening. Eventually it's going to reach the point where I just smile and nod and ignore their advice because I don't have the time to research and confirm that it's well-founded but that makes me sad too. Is it just time to accept that they're growing older and out of touch? Should I pretend to listen to indulge them and make them happy? |
Anonymous
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Can you give an example? My mom and MIL were full of advice when DS was born. Unfortunately, most of it was outdated. Things are different now from when I grew up/when my nephew was born 10 years ago. I don't necessarily think it means they are out of touch. I usually just smile and say ok and I'll think about it. some of their advice is good, some is bad.
I don't understand about having to research whether or not their advice is factual. |
Anonymous
| I recently had to come to the same conclusion that I just can't trust my parents. The main issues are health/diet related or financial. It sucks because I used to consider them really helpful, and now they just have these absurd fringe opinions. |
Anonymous
Are they fringe opinions or just opinions based on how they grew up? |
Anonymous
They are fringe opinions that they have recently acquired, hence why I no longer trust them (implying that I once did). They are at total odds with the way they raised me. |
Anonymous
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My father is extremely well read and has tons of useful experience. He gives lots of good advice but also some advice that I disagree with.
My mom is very simple and provides basic, obvious advice. Be nice. Share. Help the poor. Etc. In almost every case, I find it is best to nod your head in agreement. I find that old people will not change their ways. Just listen and nod. I suppose this is the same advice men receive about listening to women... I also consider myself very wise. But for some reason, I keep all my opinions to myself unless I am directly asked. I am generally quiet. I suppose this isn't very helpful to anyone... It's probably better just to throw out advice generously even if much of it will fall on deaf ears. |
Anonymous
| Unless they're broadcasting their faulty advice to a wider audience, I'd just smile and nod. |
Anonymous
OP here. For example, we bought a new car fairly recently and I think I got a good but not great deal on it and mentioned one way the dealer got the upper end of the deal when talking to my mom. My mom then calls a local car dealer and, based upon that conversation, insists that I can just cancel the contract so long as I haven't taken delivery of the vehicle. That's just flat out wrong as VA doesn't have a cooling off period for car sales. Also, while it's possible that specific dealer she talked to chooses not to pursue people that bail out on a car purchase that doesn't mean they don't have the option to recover that money nor does it have any bearing on what the particular dealership I bought from might choose to do, particularly since I put a deposit on the car before picking it up the next day. |
Anonymous
| Never occurred to me to ask my parents or in laws for advice. |
Anonymous
OP here. I realize it's selfish but I guess my resistance is that it makes me sad because it forces me to recognize that they're getting older and perhaps aren't as quick as they used to be. I'd be lying if I didn't admit there's another part of me that's frustrated they can recklessly dispense advice without checking the facts but the former bothers me much more than the latter. 
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Anonymous
Obviously I don't know your situation but parents generally are older/wiser and I try to benefit from that experience. I don't ask as much anymore partly due to the advice often being inaccurate and in a larger part how forcefully they inject their opinions regarding a course of action. I know part of this is that I need to set boundaries but then part of me feels like I'm alienating them by doing so which makes smiling and nodding a more attractive route. |
Anonymous
that sounds more like an issue of your mom helicoptering to me. if you are an adult that can purchase a vehicle why would your mon call other dealerships for an issue she isnt involved in and doesnt even fully understand? |
Anonymous
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That sounds like something my mom would do, OP. I had a breech pregnancy and she called a local OB in her city and discussed delivery plans with his receptionist (!!) and then proceeded to give her "expert opinion" based on the conversation. I was fuming mad to the point of no contact but my husband talked me down. I think this is their way of dealing with anxiety as their world becomes more confusing, which of course it is.
I thanked her for helping me evaluate my OB's plan and I called her every day for a few days on the supposition that she was feeling very anxious. It worked. Your mom may be feeling a lot of anxiety about you and this is how she works it out. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you nailed it. They are getting old and it is really sad. My parents are nearing 60, but I dread the day when my friendship changes with them. I sometimes let myself mourn the loss that will eventually come and I try to mentally prepare myself to be kind and patient with them.
I was around my great grandparents a lot as a child and watched them spend their final years in nursing homes. For some reason this really left an impression on me and has left me, as a fairly young adult, thinking about how aging impacts individuals and families. Good luck and it may be time to grieve, just a little bit. |
Anonymous
| Simple, don't ask for their advice. |