WWYD husband is in denial about addiction

[Anonymous]

We've been married 8 years and have a 4yo. Before marriage my husband was in rehab for pot addiction and has been clean since with a few relapses but always committed to not using and to controlling his addiction. Recently he started seeing a new psychiatrist for severe OCD anxiety and depression and he received a 'new' diagnosis of a mood disorder not specified but similar to BP II. The psych is OK with him smoking weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety. So now husband has changed his view and says he doesn't have a problem with pot and he is smoking throughout the day everyday. We are in counseling but he insists its not an addiction. My therapist says that while it appears to be addiction (psychological which comes with the same problems) there's nothing you can do until the addict wants to change himself.

What would you do? Stay in a marriage with an addict and young child in the house? Give it a year and see if things improve?

The problems his addiction pose for me are that he is withdrawn and uninterested in family, is moody and irritable and has a hard time containing his anger and anxiety, and does nothing at all other than work, watch TV when home, and smoke.

[Anonymous]

So YOU PERSONALLY heard the psychiatrist say (or you read the psychiatrist's word) that it is okay for your husband, who has been treated for pot addiction, to "smoke weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So YOU PERSONALLY heard the psychiatrist say (or you read the psychiatrist's word) that it is okay for your husband, who has been treated for pot addiction, to "smoke weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety"?

No, but husband has never said this before so why the sudden change?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but weed is not a serious 'drug', if you can even call it that... Your husband needs to restrict his so milling to only after work/kids are in bed and outside... Either he's to stupid to know he can't be high all day or your dramatic and made him go to rehab for smoking a j

[Anonymous]

T9. Sorry. Restrict his smoking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So YOU PERSONALLY heard the psychiatrist say (or you read the psychiatrist's word) that it is okay for your husband, who has been treated for pot addiction, to "smoke weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety"?

No, but husband has never said this before so why the sudden change?

I find it highly suspicious that a psychiatrist would condone this. Therefore, your husband is lying and needs to be confronted about that. He is lying. This isn't a "sudden change." It's just another step in the life with an addict. Everything is about getting the next high. My guess is that the psychiatrist said something that your husband then took out of context and twisted to suit his need to smoke pot.

It's time to go. I would not subject my child to this. Just keep re-reading the last sentence of your post. Is that the home you want for your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So YOU PERSONALLY heard the psychiatrist say (or you read the psychiatrist's word) that it is okay for your husband, who has been treated for pot addiction, to "smoke weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety"?

No, but husband has never said this before so why the sudden change?

He either needs a new therapist or he creatively interpreted something his therapist said about relaxation techniques.

[Anonymous]

OP, I certainly wouldn't expect, given what you've described, that anything would change in a year.

I would not be able to tolerate this and I definitely would not tolerate it with/for a child. It would be a marriage ender for me. It also would be part of a bigger list of marriage enders potentially if he is not an involved parent, loving spouse, etc...

I don't think I would still be with him given what you've described, but if I were I would now be saying he has to move out, would be consulting attorneys, and making plans to be a single parent.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

I empathize, OP, because I'm in a very similar boat. A few thoughts:

No reputable psychiatrist will advise you to self medicate with pot. None. They may prescribe anti anxiety meds and/or behavorial therapy. But no pot. Big red flag.

Secondly, it sounds like your husband is depressed and anxious and is self medicated. People often dismiss pot as a "non drug" but it is habit forming (maybe not physically, but emotionally and behavorially).

Your last sentence says it all. You do not have a partner, you have a person in your home who is self medicated, depressed / anxious, angry, closed off, and not stepping up to the plate. Do you want that for yourself and your kids? Of course not. I would urge you to get marriage counseling ASAP. I would urge you to join Al-Anon, as well. He is the only person who can help himself. You need to take care of you.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that the pot may work better in the short term on his OCD and Bipolar symptoms than actually meds so he may be using it to self-medicate. It may take away some of the racing thoughts that come with BAD and the obsessive thoughts that come with OCD. I think it is important to view this in the context of his illness. I am not saying it is a good thing because with mental illness, pot often helps with symptoms in the short run but makes the illness worse in the long run.
Is he on psychiatric drugs as well? They can also have the effects you mention - decreased motivation, agitation etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So YOU PERSONALLY heard the psychiatrist say (or you read the psychiatrist's word) that it is okay for your husband, who has been treated for pot addiction, to "smoke weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety"?

No, but husband has never said this before so why the sudden change?

addicts lie all the time, welcome to the real world. he will lie cheat and steal to gethis way.

[Anonymous]

I think it is seriously irresponsible for parents, esp. those w/young children to smoke weed when they are around kids.

Smoking weed makes you very forgetful and not "with it." It also can make one emotionally detached as is illustrated here by OP.

I personally would not want to be married to someone who smoked weed...esp. if I had a small child living w/us. I mean, I could never fully entrust this person to adequately care for our child if he was stoned.

What kind of Dr. would recommend he smoke dope as a treatment for mood disorder??! Could your husband be pulling your leg OP??

There are many different types of medications available to treat mood disorders that are beneficial. Why can't your husband try them instead of getting blazed?

[Anonymous]

Kick him out tonight.
No way in hell would I let my kid live in the same house as drugs or a drug user.

[Anonymous]

Weed can actually heighten anxiety. What kind of therapist is he seeing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've been married 8 years and have a 4yo. Before marriage my husband was in rehab for pot addiction and has been clean since with a few relapses but always committed to not using and to controlling his addiction. Recently he started seeing a new psychiatrist for severe OCD anxiety and depression and he received a 'new' diagnosis of a mood disorder not specified but similar to BP II. The psych is OK with him smoking weed here and there after work if it helps anxiety. So now husband has changed his view and says he doesn't have a problem with pot and he is smoking throughout the day everyday. We are in counseling but he insists its not an addiction. My therapist says that while it appears to be addiction (psychological which comes with the same problems) there's nothing you can do until the addict wants to change himself.

What would you do? Stay in a marriage with an addict and young child in the house? Give it a year and see if things improve?

The problems his addiction pose for me are that he is withdrawn and uninterested in family, is moody and irritable and has a hard time containing his anger and anxiety, and does nothing at all other than work, watch TV when home, and smoke.

Not impressed with the psychiatrist nor with your therapist. (Although I think it's likely that you are not getting the full, real 411 on what the psychiatrist said.) No reputable psychiatrist would say that smoking weed is OK with a bipolar mood disorder. Reputable psychiatrists would say that smoking weed is a form of self-medication and that mood disorder medication won't work well alongside drug/alcohol use. If meds are recently started, the psychiatrist may take a lower key approach for a few weeks while the mood stabilizer dosage is increased and gets up to a level where it may start having an effect before the psychiatrist starts talking about quitting pot smoking. If a person with a diagnosed mood disorder is having anxiety at some part of the day, it is a BIG sign that the med dosages/types are not right. It could be that more mood stabilizer is needed, or an anti-anxiety adjunct, or an anti-psychotic. BTW, pot usage increases the risk of psychosis, which is already a risk in bipolar.

Your therapist -- is he/she knowledgeable about mood disorders or did you start seeing him/her because of "marriage" problems? If the latter, then they are probably not useful in your situation. Get thee to an experienced clinical psychologist who specializes in counseling for mood disorders. That person can help you understand your husband's behavior, his bipolar diagnosis and what it means for your marriage. Is your husband also seeing a similarly experienced psychologist in addition to the psychiatrist? He should be or the psychiatrist should be trained/providing therapy as well. Seeing a psychiatrist 3x monthly for medication adjustment is not enough.

Sometimes mental illness results in self-medication which then results in addiction. This is quite common. Read up on "dual diagnosis". But, often the mental illness itself is driving the addictive behavior and when the mental illness is appropriately treated, then the desire for drug or alcohol use is diminished and it is much easier to stop (so maybe the MI person was never really "addicted" in the physical sense of addiction.) This was the case for my BP ex whose drinking was unhealthy/borderline alcoholic and who was engaging in prescription drug abuse. Once on a proper mood stabilizer, he was able to stop drinking and unprescribed med use much more easily.

As for the marriage -- there are no easy answers about what to do. I do know what you have the right to demand -- to live in a drug and alcohol free home with a partner who is working to treat his illness effectively, who allows you to participate in treatment with him (see other threads about family participation in MI treatment) and who is participating to the extent possible in jointly raising/caring for your kids. The problem is that you have no control over you partner's actions. You only get to assess his past and current behavior and decide how his past/current behavior predicts future behavior and whether that is the kind of likely future you want to live in.

For me, I gave my ex some time to deal with his substance abuse and mental illness issues. What I wanted to see in his behavior (not just words) was a commitment to treatment/meds with a psychiatrist and therapist and no more substance abuse. After about 2 years, I did not see the desired change/commitment, told him the relationship was over and asked him to leave. Since we have kids together, we are still in constant communication, and he received further diagnosis and treatment after I kicked him out. I would say it was about an additional 2 years, before I realized that he would never really have a full commitment to treating his illness/use, and I was able to move on emotionally (i.e., finally accepted that we would never reconcile.) Everyone's timeline is different. A year might be enough time or too long still, depending on the seriousness of the situation. Four years is a long time. It was a very painful period. But, I would say that it was worth it to me, because I can honestly say to myself and my kids (when they are older) that I did what was reasonable to try to help him and preserve the marriage without endangering ourselves. I ended things when the risk/benefit balance became unacceptable. I will never look back at the situation and think that there was anything likely to be useful that I should have done that would have resulted in a better outcome given what I knew at the time.

No matter what you decide about the marriage, you are trapped being a parent with him forever. So, if you decide the marriage is over, get some good legal advice so that you can achieve whatever kind of custody arrangement is best for the kids.