Nonsupportive Husband Advice

[Anonymous]

I am 9 months pregnant and at my wits end with my husband, and am starting to get very insecure about my delivery and him acting as an advocate for me.

For 9 months he hasn't been much involved with planning or parenting discussions, etc. but suddenly he has now started to criticize and question every decision that I have made regarding a birth plan and early newborn vaccination schedule for our DC. I don't know what to do. When I tell him I want to stick with my decisions, since that is what I am comfortable with and prepared for, he says that I "don't understand what it means to be married" and that "it's his child too."

I have read the Sears Vaccine book and picked a pediatrician who will favor that approach...now DH is saying no...he wants our DC to get the vaccines. When I asked him to read the book, he refuses, saying it's "stupid" and "hasn't been peer reviewed" so he will not even read it at all. I asked him to please read at least one chapter (summary), but he never did. In my birth plan, I made it clear that I don't want pitocin or interventions (especially a C-Section), and when I explain this to him he says..."well, if the doctor says it's necessary, it probably is." I have no confidence that he will stand up for me, and believe he will blindly cave in to what the doctors want, without questioning.

I just don't understand why this is all happening now, and I am scared...I am due to deliver any day now, and am more and more stressed about this. We are arguing constantly, and I don't feel like I am getting support when I need it the most. Why this now? I've tried to engage him in these discussions for months, but he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Has anyone else experienced this? How have you handled it? Is it too late for me to find a doula? I have talked about it with my immediate family, but they do not live close by and will take several hours to get here if I am in labor. And my husband says he doesn't want them there.

[Anonymous]

That sucks.

Do you think he is acting out in these weird ways because of his anxiety over the arrival of the baby, his uncertainty about what it all means for him, and his lack of control over any of this process? The fact that your due date is upon you may be causing all his issues to rise to the surface now. There are a couple of books written for the expectant father, so you may like to look at those to see if they can help you understand at all where he's coming from. I realize that at this point, it really sucks that you would have to put energy into that, instead of into things like...oh, say, getting dressed, trying to be functional on a day-to-day level, preparing yourself for childbirth, dealing with your own anxieties, etc. (!) But it sounds like the fights and lack of support are really draining you. I'm sorry about that.

It does sound like you can't count on him to stand up for you during your labor and delivery, which must be really disappointing. But he cannot dictate the choices that are made - in the end, it's between you and the doctor/nurses. Try to enlist the support of the nurses right from the outset, and have something down in writing about what you want. Don't spend more time arguing with your husband and trying to explain to him that what a doctor says is "necessary" and what is really most "convenient" for a doctor are not the same thing, and that the doctor's interests do not necessarily have 100% overlap with yours. I don't know how close you are to your family, but maybe they'd be willing to just kind of be on local stand-by when you go into labor. Maybe just knowing they are nearby, a cell phone call away instead of hours away, can reassure you that if things get really bad and you need some extra support, you can call them in (even if they don't stay the whole time, which may be a compromise your husband can live with?). Same goes for a friend who is particularly close to you - it may also take some pressure off your husband to have someone else there, even if just for part of the time. If not, lean on your friends and family as much as possible from now until the delivery; get the support you need from any and every source you can.

Is there any way you can put the discussions of the vaccinations off to the side until after the delivery? For one thing, it's sapping your energy and causing fights. For another thing, maybe some of your husband's bad behavior will disappear once your child arrives, healthy and safely, and you both can institute a different dynamic in these discussions. He's right that it's "his child, too," (even if he's coming late to the party), but you two will have to figure out how to negotiate differences in parenting perspectives/decisions. That's hard, and you don't really need to grapple with those mega-issues when you should just be getting into a good mental and physical place getting ready for the delivery itself. Try to reduce your stress as much as you can (pre-natal massage, anyone?!)

So sorry you are going through this now. Hopefully you can get to a good mental place, whether your husband comes along to that place or not, and you can be ready for the delivery and ready to enjoy the arrival of your baby. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I was thinking when I read your post that it would be scary to have you as a spouse when you are so absolute about your wishes. You sound in your post that absolutely no C-section. But, sometimes there are lives that can be lost if there is no C-section and from your post, you don't seem to leave room for this possibility. How is he supposed to react if this happens to you when you are so resolute in your decisions.

And, with respect to your vaccination decision, you seem to be dictating the care of your child, not making joint decision. This really is an issue that requires agreement between the parents, not one where one parent should overrule the other. I kind of agree with him when he says that it is his child too and you don't know how to be a parent.

While I don't happen to think that either way that vaccinations are done is a life or death decision for most kids you have very strong feelings about there being a right and a wrong way to do it for your kids. And, rather than discussing this with your husband, you seem to be dictating to him how you wamt things done and demanding that he follow it and buy into it instead of discussing and considering his viewpoints. If this is how you are starting out parenthood, then you are going to have a long 18 or so years until this child is grown up.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a crappy attitude the PP has. OP, maybe it is your DH responding! LOL!

Obviously the OP has educated herself somewhat and her DH has not at all. In that case, OP, stay strong. Tell him that as soon as he's willing to start researching this stuff, you will be happy to discuss and share the desicion making process. I think it's pathetic that he thinks he can step in an shove his opinion around when he has done NOTHING to inform that opinion. He needs to grow up and realize that it takes more than his own simple mind to figure out what the right course of action is regarding your new baby's health.

I do agree that you can lay off the vaccination conversation for now. Babies don't get their first round of shots until they are 2 months old. Perhaps - if your ped is on board like you mentioned - you could have your DH go to an appt. and hear straight from the doctor that you are making good decisions wrt vaccines.

Regarding the birth, perhaps you could get him to watch the Business of Being Born. You can get it at blockbuster or on netflicks. It might be a quick way to help him understand some of your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was thinking when I read your post that it would be scary to have you as a spouse when you are so absolute about your wishes.

Gee...thanks for the support and advice. I was looking for helpful responses and not a lecture. Did you even read my post? I am not dealing with absolutes here. I'm dealing with a husband who has been completely disinterested / ambivalent about every decision that has had to have been made for the past 9 months...who pretty much said "you deal with it." And now, at the 11th hour, when I have been dealing with everything from week 1 to week 39 has suddenly started asserting himself and going against the plan that I have been forced to make without his input (and despite my reaching out to him time and time again). If he had discussed these things with me two months ago, I would have jumped for joy! I asked over and over, but he prefers to watch football and scroll on his blackberry than discuss parenting issues.

[Anonymous]

To the PPs at 14:24 and 16:09, thank you VERY VERY much for your support and input. I appreciate the thoughtful and caring advice...very insightful. I like the ideas of having a family member on call...even if via phone. I do have family who are willing to travel to be here, but they need 12 hours notice, since they live in the midwest.

I've also emailed a couple of doulas to see if they can be there with me, just in case. I think the 14:24 poster makes a good point...that maybe the reality check of becoming a dad has hit him in the past week or so, which could be driving this odd behavior. I've really tried to nudge him about these issues. He has purchased parenting books but I have no idea if he's read them or not.

Honestly I didn't want to be the stereotypical "nagging" pregnant wife (especially since I am working full time myself and have my own issues/stresses to deal with at the office and at home...don't we all?), so I have asked him for his advice and input, but he never gave it . . . until now. I just went along and did what I could without him, since he didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Also good advice about laying off the vaccine discussion until later on. Our ped is on board 100%. Hopefully that will blow over once she is born.

Thank you again for your words of wisdom and support. We really are happily married, which is why I'm so surprised by this sudden change. Kind of scary!

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. I found myself wondering - was he like this the week before your wedding (or insert other big life event here)? Maybe he is just a procrastinator and he's a bit panicky now that it is "the time". I'm a bit of one myself so I kinda understand - maybe he doesn't mean to sound harsh, he's just freaked out. I wonder if your OB might have some helpful advice - I'm sure they see last minute husband issues a lot.

It sounds like you have done what is right for you - research, planning, etc. If you can, I agree w/the poster who said to put off the vaccine conversation until later and just get through the birth for now. Hang in there, it'll be over soon.

I also don't agree with the harshness of the PP about you being a bad partner!

[Anonymous]

Also, remember that YOU will make the decisions in the delivery room. The doctor can't do anything that your refuse. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - Based on your reaction to the one PP who didn't totally agree with your positions, I guess you wanted validation and not honest input here. But I have to say, as a 5 year veteran of parenthood I tend to agree with that PP. You sound very dogmatic, and while it's great to have informed opinions on parenting issues, you need to be open to your partner's point of view - it's equally valid to your own. You're asking him to hear and respect your views - you really need to show him the same respect. From the tone of your post - and from your outraged reaction to the PP's critique - you sound completely averse to compromise or conciliation... which is really not a sensible way to approach parenthood. Sorry if this is not the support you were looking for, but since your subject line asks for advice, you should be prepared to listen to others... particularly your husband.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, for the record, I think it's your husband that's being a butt.

[Anonymous]

I think it is terrible and unfortunate that your husband has not wanted to be involved until now but at least he is now interested and involved -it's better than him not caring. I think you should look at this as an opportunity that he has finally come around and will likely step up to the plate, rather than him trying to control the situation. Unfortunately, not all men are created equally and some take a little longer to get off the pot I think marriage is based on teamwork and compromise that becomes 10 fold when you have children because both are likely to make incorrect decisions about child rearing and that is why you are there to balance each other out. Tell him you will consider other options if you were discussing it with someone who had all the facts and you could discuss it like rational adults.

[Anonymous]

I also think 15:40 is just your husband in disguise!

I am sorry for your position. I would try to explain fully to your husband the decisions you have made and ask him what reading/research he has done that differs. No doubt you have already done that but keep at it.

The truth is that you are the one in control in the delivery room, whether your spouse is supportive or not. You can do it.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think that for most couples, parenting starts much earlier for the woman than it does the man. It just doesn't sink in the same way. Don't hold it against him that he is a little late to the party, even if it was totally frustrating for you. Some men don't get it until they are actually staring at their newborn. I'm sure he has his own stesses about all the responsibility and life changes that are coming and the play for power is probably part of that.

Parenting is a lot of give and take. He is going to have a say and his is just as valid as yours, which you will need to remind yourself of frequently. He is not going to soothe, change diapers, feed, supervise or anything exactly as you do. If it gets the job done (safely), then that is what really matters. He needs room enough to find his parenting rhythm. Perhaps after the little one is here, you could encourage him to talk with the doctor about a delayed vaccine schedule. Your husband needs to be your ally in parenting or you are in for a very hard road. You won't agree on everything, but there has to be room for compromise.

You should have someone supportive in the hospital. It is your body and if he can't support you in your decisions, then perhaps you should consider hiring a doula or bringing a close friend or relative. The delivery room is the last place you need someone second guessing you. There are things that I decided to do to minimize my chances of interventions and/or surgery. I hired a doula, am going natural and not heading to the hospital until later on in labor. These choices are not for everyone, but it may keep things calmer or, at least, less pressured.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

First, my conflict of interest. I am an allopath, and believe that the disagreements you've discussed come down to whether or not you trust physicians, not the state of your marriage.

Birth plans tend to fly out the window when things go wrong in a delivery. Are you sure you don't want a c-section, even if it would save your life or the baby's? If so, you may have trouble finding an OB who will sign off on that one. As for an unnecessary c-section, well, noone wants that. With regards to vaccination, I can also see his point. I think it's irresponsible to endanger your child by changing the recommended vaccination schedule. Your husband may feel the same way. I don't trust literature that isn't based on peer-reviewed evidence either. It's a good criterion.

It's pretty common for guys to be very hands-off until the actual baby arrives. Mine was. Once our first child arrived, though, he was very attached and very helpful. I think it's just a guy thing and your husband is now trying to be an involved and caring father by advocating for what he thinks is right for your child. What's unsupportive about that- just that his views don't coincide with yours? Open discussion is important in a healthy marriage, I would think.

I hope you listen to his views, have a reasonable discussion, and come to some sort of compromise. Shutting him out of the delivery room could cause a resentment neither of you could ever overcome.

[Anonymous]

I am married to a serious procrasinator who was genuinely surprised as I neared the end of my first pregnancy. Where had the time gone? Meanwhile, I was counting every second until my official due date. He also kept putting off the name conversation and was taken aback when I finally named our son before departing from the hospital (luckily he liked the name). Some men tend to deal only with the concrete and the now. Perhaps your husband is just getting around to contemplating all these details. I would try to work with him to lay out the arguments pro and con for all the issues involved: circumcision/ vaccines/ breast vs. formula. He is late to the game obviously and needs some crib notes and to understand why you hold your current position. You might also think about prioritizing what issues are most important to you and throw him a bone on issues that you don't care about as much. You are a team in raising your child and you need to recruit his support! You are only going to be more emotional (and hormonal) after the baby is born. And PLEASE try to keep an open mind. I was totally against inteventions and ended up with a c-section after 30 hours of labor. It wasn't really a choice and I was disappointed at first that things didn't go the way I had planned. There are so many aspects of parenthood that have surprised me. You learn before long that you are not really in charge, nor is your DH. You will face many challenges and attacks to your best laid plans- it's best to expect the unexpected and try to work together. You are going to need him as your ally! Good luck and best wishes!