Please give advice/perspective on baby entering family with high probability of special needs

[Anonymous]

Ok-I have a long post. I am posting here b/c I don't have any other non-partial people to present this issue to. My aunt and cousin are classified as mentally retarded (aunt IQ 70 and cousin IQ 65). They live about 4 hours away from here in my home town with the rest of my family. My grandmother has been caring for them her entire life and refuses to acknowledge they have limitations. My aunt is married and has two children. One is my cousin who is female and has the IQ of 65-she is now 23 years old and we knew she was going to be like her mother when she reached the talking age and was extremely delayed (around 2). My aunt also had a son, who is not mentally retarded (I hate these normal and mentally retarded labels but for the sake of this post will use them).

My aunt and grandma had been taking my cousin to this restaurant/bar place to socialize-other then that none of them work and they go to garage sales, out to eat, whatever. My aunt does lives in the same house as my cousin-lets call her Mary and my uncle (aunt's husband). Mary met a guy who took advantage of her wanting a boyfriend and her need to have a normal life and she is pregnant. We did not find out she was pregnant until she was 26 weeks-she had no prenatal care until 28 weeks. She is having a girl that is due January 19th. Mary always had a belly so when we saw her once she started to show-it honestly looked like she was just gaining weight. even now she is still showing small. Anyways, my mom is a nurse and Mary's aunt and my mom has been busting her a-- to get Mary services and just overriding her overbearing mom (the grandma) who is in denial about these mental disabilities. Mary is going to get SSI soon and Medicaid and they are doing genetic testing to see if they can diagnose the cause of the mental retardation. So far the chromosone sequencing is normal so they are looking within the chromosones to see if there are variations/abnormalities. So no Downs, Fragile X, etc.

The point. The point is my Aunt and Mary are extremely poor and already raising my aunt's son's child who he abandoned and the mom is into drugs and shows up here or there. They live in absolute filth. My mom went over there and there were clothes everywhere and trash. My aunt is sleeping on the couch, her husband in the bed (there was a flood so furniture got moved-he is not making her sleep on the couch-although I don't think they have a marriage the way we think of one-he is very kind to my aunt). And although he is not disabled he is very simple. Mary, who is very pregnant now is sleeping in her room with clothes everywhere and her 2 yr old nephew sleeps in bed with her. She seems to have no joy with this pregnancy. When we first asked her if she wanted to keep it she said "I guess" and my mom asked how she would care for it and she started crying and said "I guess I will get a good babysitter and find a job or go to school." She told the social worker she is still deciding if she wants to keep the baby or not. My grandmother has already told Mary what to even name the baby and some girl at their church is having a shower for her next Sat when she may not even keep the baby.

My mom and I feel like she has no say and cannot even find the space to think if she can care for this baby. my huband and I had the hardest time with a newborn with a clean and safe home and i just don't know if she can swing it. my aunt is already swamped chasing down this two year old, my grandma is 78 and in bad health and my uncle leaves for months at a time for his job-neither my aunt nor mary can drive. my grandma drives them and that will end soon as her health is deteriorating.

The main question is : What can we do? My mom and I have just been crying and crying and trying to think of solutions. We feel so bad for Mary and this baby who has a high probablility of having special needs since it appears to be following along the female line. If Mary keeps the baby how can we help to make sure she is ok and safe? My mom has to work and I live 4 hours away? If she wants to give the baby up it would only be through an open adoption-are there families out there that would consider taking a child with the high chance of having mental retardation? If not, then my mom and I will not let this little girl languish in some facility. I told my husband that if we get to that point then I want to adopt the little girl.

However, our situation is very tight. We have a 15 month old boy and I just went back to work after 14 months at home. I cannot quit my job now and I have no leave. I would need the job even more if we were to take this child. Not only that, but how could I be up all night and work the next day-we can't afford 24 hour care. even to afford a nanny, which would be the best monetary option with two little ones we would have to make SERIOUS financial sacrifices. I also worry about the stress on our marriage. On the other hand, I love my cousin and aunt so dearly and know I will love that little girl from the moment I see her-I am crying now writing this. At the same time-it is my cousin's body and baby and I do not even want to offer this option until she decided she cannot care for the baby or does not want to.

What are the moral and ethical obligations here. How can we make such a sad situation a happy one? This child will be a blessing as are all children and I just want her to be safe and have a chance at a happy life where she can get the services she needs. I am so confused and lost and I just can't believe the baby will be here in a month or so and there are no diapers, no crib, nothing and when I ask Mary questions she just seems lost, scared and she honestly has no idea what she is in for. Mary too deserves a chance to be happy and have a life and I have no idea whether that is with this baby or not.

I could not decide where to post this issue-general parenting, adoption, special needs, etc. I chose this forum b/c you all are parents of children with special needs. You can understand the love and happiness these children bring into your life and the complications and challenges that arise when someone with mental disabilities wants adult relationships and yet cannot fully understand the ramifications of their choices. Please any thoughts, advice, etc. My mom and I just want to give Mary the safe space to make this decision and we want it to be informed. We are trying to get her in a birthing class (I am so fearful of her ability to handle the pain-she is so sweet and sensitive). Again, we have a social worker helping us-but what can my mom and I do-what are our moral and ethical and familial obligations to Mary and this baby-where would we be crossing the line? Should I even offer her the choice of my husband and I taking the baby? Is that coercive even though I know we could do it but it would be very difficult? I think in my heart she does not want the responsibility of this child but will have a hard time giving it to a stranger. I have even thought of having her and the baby move-in but I don't think she would leave her mom and how would we support two more people? We also want one more biological child one day and had planned on having a second in 1 1/2 years or so-that would definitely put that off. I also fear my husband really being on board with this-it would affect his life forever as well.

Ok-I am soo sorry for the long post-but I am so lost here. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

wow that's a tough one. There are several issues here: If your aunt and cousin are in denial about their limitations, you will hardly be able to approach them about your cousin's daughter's probability of having special needs. If nothing shows up in the genetic testing, there also isn't really any way of knowing whether the child will be mentally retarded or not.

So instead of pressing the special needs issue, you would have to go by ability to raise a child, financial stability and responsibility. All three are definite issues. But unless you are really really committed to raising a child that may have special needs, I would be careful to suggest anything that will involve you. While I think you are wonderful for suggesting it, you may not realize what you are in for. Are you willing to deal with all the early intervention this child may need, such as taking her to specialists, taking her to therapies and constantly watching every step she takes in order to ensure she gets the best care possible?

I quit my job and quit school for my special needs child. I needed to focus on getting him the help he needed, and we are on our way of being a success story for intervening early. But the outcome always remains uncertain. Your cousin's daughter may be totally fine or she may be worse off than her mom. It takes dedication, certainty and a good portion of courage to take somebody else's special needs child in. You seem a little doubtful that it is the right choice. I think there are people who would love to accept a child regardless of whether the child has special needs or not. You might want to research that a little more.

Social services are involved, which is good. If they determine that Mary is unable to take care of her child, it won't be her choice anymore anyways. As sad as that may be, it may be the only way to go if Mary is unwilling to accept alternatives.