How to deal with Backwoods Inlaws

[Anonymous]

So, my sis calls me crying that she met her future inlaws for the first time and already they are aggressively trying to convert her to their religion! This is the scenario. My sis and I are from an interfaith, interracial family that embraces cultural diversity. Mom is Catholic, Dad is Protestant, Grandfather Buddhist, with blood from various corners of the globe...Philippines, Japan, Spain, Ireland, Germany, England, Native American. The fiance is a super great guy from a small town in Indiana, (they met in the military) whose father is a Baptist Minister and believes women should be submissive to their husbands. Seriously! It's like an Oxygen movie or something! Fiance's brothers had the same problem when they got married. One brother ran off to Japan and married a Buddhist girl, the other brother's wife ended up converting to please his family. ayayay! Anyway, I'm afraid the upcoming wedding will be like walking on eggshells. My dad is a jokester, my husband a holistic practioner and of course I'm a shimmying salsaholic...I can only imagine how the inlaws will react us. They've already said my sister and the son are going to hell for not marrying in a Baptist church.

[Anonymous]

Sis is going to have to learn to set boundaries and her hubby is going to have to support and back her up. THey can't "make her" do anything that she is firm in not doing.

I would not argue or indulge them in any way. Change the subject. Ignore. Avoid certain topics. And, if that doesn't work, be direct.

[Anonymous]

Is being a devout Christian really all that backwards? I don't have all the information, so perhaps his Dad is backwards for a variety of reasons. But, if the only basis for that assessment is his faith, that seems quite harsh.

[Anonymous]

No, not backwards. I meant they are from the back woods as in very a small particular rural town where there is virtually no cultural exposure. Nothing wrong with being from the back woods, and there is nothing wrong with being a devout Christian, as are my parents...but I don't think it is right to try to aggressively convert someone and tell them that Catholics aren't real Christians, that only Baptists go to heaven, and that Buddhists are condemned to hell. I know this is a very touchy subject, and I will do my best to avoid the subject around them....I just hope they aren't as judgemental with us as they are being with her.

[Anonymous]

Your sis and the fiance need to have a good long chat about this *before* they get married. He will have to be there to support her emotionally through all of this and to stand up to his parents. They have a lot to discuss, including how the kids will be raised etc. Interfering in-laws or parents can be a real strain on a marriage regardless of whether the issue is religion or culture or anything. Good luck to your sis. My two cents...she should talk this out with the fiance.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP, that the real issue here will relationship between your sister and her fiance. If her is supportive of her choice AND is willing to say so to his parents then all will be well, but if there is any waffling on his part then God help them both. Also, you did not say where the new couple will live? I find that being in another state (where driving to and from is not really that easy) really goes a long way to helping relationship with pushy inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Yes, totally agree they should be 100% in agreement on religious matters before they tie the knot. The fiance seems to be completely in love and devoted to her, and stood up to his parents in her defense. When he visits here he is a total sweetie. Distance wise, they are both due back in Iraq later this year and will probably stationed together anywhere in the world after that. Maybe the parents will come around before the wedding...hopefully they won't have culture shock when they visit DC and I pray that nothing ruins her wedding day. I'll need some change of subjects on hand in case the dads get into it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's the wedding that you have to worry about. Most people will be on their best behavior. It's life after the wedding that is going to be the big challenge. As another PP said, it's something they need to have a good long chat about before the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Have to say, the family history does not bode well. One sibling left the country, in the other instance the outsider had to convert to keep the peace? It does not sound like these are in-laws that have any shot whatsoever of "coming around." They've had the opportunity twice now and it's just not their track record. Your potential BIL will have to choose between family and spouse which is an awful choice to have to make. Many are not capable of making the choice and the passivity (not choosing) leads to mayhem and unhappiness for everyone concerned -- it'll become untenable. Sometimes love isn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your sis and fiance need to definitely talk about this BEFORE marrying - whether converting, finding a compromise, or just status quo. Also, they need to discuss "what if" scenarios. What if your sis. is feeling overwhelmed about being converted? Will her new hubby come to her defense? What if they have a baby? Will the baby be automatically be obligated to a particular faith? Etc, etc.

Finances, children, and religon ALWAYS need to be discussed and understood before marrying. Why do you think the number 1 reason for divorce is in this country?

[Anonymous]

Yes that is the number one issue they talk about...fiance does not want to miss out on the love of his life just to suit a religious mentality he doesn't agree with...supports my sis 100%. How could he want a submissive subordinate wife in the military?! Their professions say gender equality all the way! His parents have never left Indiana, and he has travelled the world...so trying to force himself into the life/mentality his parents want for him aint gonna happen whether he marries my sis or not. He came to her defense at the visit, as it was overwhelming to meet them. My family loves him, and he loves us. And since they are not planning to live near his parents, life after wedding won't have the same stress as the visit, until they visit them again! Sis and fiance are ready to marry yesterday but are waiting 6 more months before they leave for Iraq again.

<p> Similarly, my Caucasian Protestant grandparents did not like my Filipino Catholic mother when they first met...until they saw my mom bring out the best in my dad, and earning more $$ than him...and now we are one big happy family. Same thing with the Filipino side accepting the white side, it took a while, but we're all good now. Granted, not every family ends up working out for the best like that...but I have good, strong feelings about my sis and her honey. They are both level headed, think-it-through kind of people. Just hope the parents know how to behave when they come here.

<p>
as far as baby, they don't want any yet. But we'll accept them no matter what they baptize them as.