Father is losing it/has dementia and my cousin is taking advantage

[Anonymous]

He's getting my father to donate to all sorts of things for his kids as well as his own business. Keep in mind my cousins own parents are still alive and could afford to contribute. We're talking about several thousand dollars at one time and a hundred here and there. My cousin drives a fancy car, has a vacation home, and leads a wealthy life and I find it really obnoxious he would try to get money from someone retired who he isn't even that close to. Yes, my father can afford the donations, but my cousin never pulled this shit when my father had all his faculties together. He started kissing up to my father before he tried to milk him for the several grand. We were never close to them. I'm really just venting. Not willing to start a family feud over this unless they continue to tap him for more money. How do people sleep at night taking advantage of the elderly? I find it completely disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Who is the POA? Maybe they need to take over.

[Anonymous]

There isn't one yet. He's in the early stages and in denial. He's completely lucid enough of the time that it's hard to make a case for this and he would be livid if I pushed it.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk directly to the cousin and his parents. Try to shame him out of doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to talk directly to the cousin and his parents. Try to shame him out of doing this.

It all sounds so logical, but the turmoil this could cause could make my father depressed. He's so excited to finally be closer to that part of the family. To be honest I have enough stress in my life that I really don't want to deal with the fallout from confronting them.

I'm not a very religious person, but I remind myself God is watching this all. The ironic thing is they are religious. I used to think my cousin was a decent person, now I have no respect for him at all.

[Anonymous]

He is either capable or incapable of making decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is either capable or incapable of making decisions.

When he is lucid, he is quite capable. The fact that he has been frugal his entire life and is giving so freely makes me think they wait until he shows signs before asking. He gets this vacant look in his eyes, but often he just seems absent minded it would be easy to assume he was perfectly capable of consenting. I think sometimes he thinks my cousin is another son. By the way my siblings are mostly on the west coast and no way in hell would they get involved with this unless it gets much worse.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you and your father, OP.
The problem is that your father may consider it money well spent if your cousin gives him a little attention in his old age. Does it make your father happy?

I know it's hard to watch. My grandmother gave all her money away to sycophantic money-grabbers when her 7 children were practically starving and would have appreciated her help. Then said grandmother had to rely on her children years later when the money ran out and her supposed friends ditched her. Well, we kept her in style. That's forgiveness for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you and your father, OP.
The problem is that your father may consider it money well spent if your cousin gives him a little attention in his old age. Does it make your father happy?

I know it's hard to watch. My grandmother gave all her money away to sycophantic money-grabbers when her 7 children were practically starving and would have appreciated her help. Then said grandmother had to rely on her children years later when the money ran out and her supposed friends ditched her. Well, we kept her in style. That's forgiveness for you.

YES. You understand. Thank you for putting words to what I wasn't expressing well. It does make him very happy. That is why I cannot say anything. If I confront my cousin and the share with the rest of the family what is going on, the feuding and the rejection would break his heart. If he ended up in the hospital after that I would never forgive myself. If they were bankrupting him or something then of course I'd have to stop this, but because he was so frugal and made a good living he has saved well for retirement. So while I can't do anything about this, I can at least blow off steam and vent here! I don't understand how they justify this, but at least they bring him joy.

[Anonymous]

This may be considered financial abuse of an elder - you can report to Adult Protective Services. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, my father has dementia (very mild, non-Alzheimers) and we've not had these kinds of issues, thankfully. But I just wanted to chime in on one point - you really need to sit with your father and try to get him on board with giving you some access to his financial and medical records/decision-making now, while he is lucid, as opposed to waiting to some later point. I get that you're just venting, but you may have a lot more to vent about it if you and your father don't start making provisions for his care.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Not going to report it to Adult Protective Services. If you saw how much joy it brings him to have a connection with this lost part of the family understand. He is great health and I'd pay anything to keep him happy while he's still living so in the scheme of things I guess a couple thousand plus isn't a big deal.

Yeah, the POA thing is going to be a nightmare. I hear what you are saying. The sad thing is trying to even help him with that could result in him refusing to have a relationship with me and we have a good relationship. He's stubborn and refuses to admit anything is wrong. He has always been that way, and now it's even worse. I have no doubt he'll have screaming fits and it will be hell. That's a whole other post and something I will eventually have to deal with head on.

[Anonymous]

Does he have enough money that it doesn't matter? Does he have a pension (ideal since he can't give it all away) or just so much that he will defn have enough for his own care? If so, if the relationship gives him joy, just let It go. If not, you need to do something. Maybe a politely worded email saying, "I am so happy you have been spending time with dad. He enjoys having you in his life and I hope your visits continue. I do want to let you know that dad has limited funds. He will need round the clock care eventually and I want him to maintain as much as his savings as possible so that he can afford the excellent care he deserves and has saved for his entire life." Cc the parents as well as the cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is either capable or incapable of making decisions.

Lucidity can come and go.
Just went through this over the last 2 yrs until my parent passed in the Spring.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you think if a way to effectively scare the cousin away?