Not invited to nieces wedding

[Anonymous]

One of my nieces is getting married in January. I heard about it months ago, before it was official and assumed I would be invited and made plans to visit with my 2 young children. It will be in my home state, where most of my family lives. There are several family members coming in from out of town for the wedding.
I never received an invitation, so I inquired with her sister. They are keeping it small and I did not make the list. I am not upset about it - I totally understand and am not close to her. But I had already planned to visit. I still plan on visiting. I just don't know if my visiting at the same time will come off the wrong way. I certainly don't want to detract from their wedding. What can I say or do to make it not awkward?

[Anonymous]

Your sister's daughter didn't invite you to her wedding? And 'several family members' are coming in from out of town but you didn't rate an invite? Seems odd.

[Anonymous]

Can you move your visit to the weekend after the wedding? That would be best. It's hard to be in town and try to make arrangements around a wedding that other family members will be invited and will be attending when you aren't invited to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's daughter didn't invite you to her wedding? And 'several family members' are coming in from out of town but you didn't rate an invite? Seems odd.

There's 8 kids in my family, and her fiancé also has a huge family. This is my oldest sister's youngest child. I'm the youngest sister. I was never around when my niece was growing up - lived in different states, etc. I was invited to her older sisters wedding, but I was a 12 when she was born and babysat her as a young child. Her wedding was also very small - no significant others invited, they had the reception in the church yard and made all the food themselves. So, no, there is no family drama. They want to save money and are keeping it small. I totally get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your visit to the weekend after the wedding? That would be best. It's hard to be in town and try to make arrangements around a wedding that other family members will be invited and will be attending when you aren't invited to the wedding.

Not really - the wedding is at the end of winter break. Also, I do want to see the other family members that are coming in town. My other niece (who I am somewhat close to) is flying in from Japan and her children are only 3 years younger than mine. It's really my only chance to see them for a while.

[Anonymous]

I would reschedule your trip. I can't imagine any way that it won't be awkward. Your family members who have been invited will likely be busy over the weekend of the wedding, but maybe you could do something else those two days and then on Monday or something start to make plans to see family.

[Anonymous]

Good attitude OP. Just change the date of your visit.

[Anonymous]

Can you just go home a different weekend?

[Anonymous]

I would tell your sister and your closer niece exactly what you told us. If more distant niece has concerns it would likely go through them first, anyway, and if she doesn't have concerns you haven't done anything to bring it to her attention, IYSWIM

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Since they are keeping it small to save money, it is possible that there aren't going to be a lot of wedding related activities. And then OP would be able to see the other relatives she wants to see during downtime and she and her kids can do something else during the actual wedding festivities. Since it is so small and OP's family is so big, presumably she isn't the only one not invited to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your sister and your closer niece exactly what you told us. If more distant niece has concerns it would likely go through them first, anyway, and if she doesn't have concerns you haven't done anything to bring it to her attention, IYSWIM

I like this! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. Since they are keeping it small to save money, it is possible that there aren't going to be a lot of wedding related activities. And then OP would be able to see the other relatives she wants to see during downtime and she and her kids can do something else during the actual wedding festivities. Since it is so small and OP's family is so big, presumably she isn't the only one not invited to the wedding.

True - there aren't a ton of wedding activities. The rehearsal dinner will be tiny. And honestly, old aunties don't go to bachelorette parties!

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you could just tell your sister that you want to visit in order to see relatives who will be there for the wedding and that you completely understand that the wedding is being kept small. You could say that you hope it isn't awkward for anyone and that you don't want to make your niece uncomfortable but that it really would be convenient for you to take advantage of the fact that the wedding is drawing your distant relatives back home.

I think if you make it clear what you're doing, then if anyone is upset about it, it's their problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

I think PP's suggestions are great. And thanks for understanding, OP! This happens in huge families but I think coming in to see everyone is totally fair game.

[Anonymous]

Another possibility. Talk to your sister and mention that you are coming to see extended family (like the niece from Japan) and say that you would be willing to babysit kids, grand nieces and grand nephews who will not be going to the wedding to allow their parents to attend. It shows that you don't expect be invited to the wedding and would be willing to help the wedding couple out. Good gestures often go a long way in relieving awkwardness.