Husband Wife Communications

[Anonymous]

DH here.

Marriage has been a bit rough for the past couple of years. Feels like we are becoming more like co parents as our physical relationship stopped about 3-4 years ago. We have middle school age children and as you can imagine there is alot of scheduling and running around. We both work and my wife has always had a strong sense of independence. Because of this she does not like to ask others to help with carpools. I find I try to chat up the other parents and push carpooling to alleviate some of the scheduling and time commitments. One of our children has started playing travel sports and it is three season - fall, spring and summer. Two practices during the week and away tournaments on the weekends - usually Sat and Sunday. I have tried to explain to my wife that this is a life style choice that we should make as a family and that we need to embrace carpooling. As my daughter states she does not like some of the kids I have asked she carpool with she wants us to drive on the weekends. As my wife often works on the weekends that puts it on my schedule. I have told my wife and daughter that I am not making any commitments to three "season" travel for 2 day weekend events. I suspect my DW feels like I am being lazy and uncaring for DW. How do folks on the DCUM handle these types of conflicts ?

I wish we could communicate "rationally"; unfortunately given disfunction in marriage seems like it degrades into a argument with DW perception that I could/should be doing more for the family. I will tell you point blank from my perspective I am not willing to make the commitment to devote 40 weekends a year to middle school travel sports. I know some parents enjoy it but it is not me.

Thanks for any insights.

[Anonymous]

Compromise.ctell dd to coordinate carpooling with some kids she DOES like, and ai. To carpool for half. Then you only have to drive 20 weekends,right?

[Anonymous]

You could just tell DD no. Or say she has to carpool with kids she doesn't like if she wants to be on the team.

[Anonymous]

You're right -- travel sports are a lifestyle choice. Sounds like it doesn't fit your family's lifestyle, however. Maybe it's time to rein that in.

[Anonymous]

It is totally reasonable to carpool. Furthermore, since this falls primarily on your "shift," you get to decide. If it fell primarily on your wife's "shift," she would get to decide.

There's nothing lazy about wanting to have some weekend time, and you have other children, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is totally reasonable to carpool. Furthermore, since this falls primarily on your "shift," you get to decide. If it fell primarily on your wife's "shift," she would get to decide.

There's nothing lazy about wanting to have some weekend time, and you have other children, right?

Absolutely agree!!!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you and DW need marriage counseling. While the issue at hand is about carpooling vs driving the kids on weekends. The simple fact is both you and DW work, weekends you are traveling 40/52 weekends, you and DW don't get to spend quality time ,marriage fails, and soon family breaks down. Wha's mire important is you and DW, if that fails kids can see tension and unhappiness. Get to the root cause of the problem. Agreeing to travel even half the time on the weekend and 1/2 time carpooling is only maskibg the marital discontent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you and DW need marriage counseling. While the issue at hand is about carpooling vs driving the kids on weekends. The simple fact is both you and DW work, weekends you are traveling 40/52 weekends, you and DW don't get to spend quality time ,marriage fails, and soon family breaks down. Wha's mire important is you and DW, if that fails kids can see tension and unhappiness. Get to the root cause of the problem. Agreeing to travel even half the time on the weekend and 1/2 time carpooling is only maskibg the marital discontent.

+10000
Surprised it took several posts to get to this. Your problem is not carpooling. Get thee to a counselor. Insist on it.

[Anonymous]

Quality time is a big problem; but it's not the top one. They haven't had sex in 3-4 years. To her, he's just the help at this point.

[Anonymous]

This is also an issue with your DD. If she wants to participate in a time consuming travel sport, she has to accept that maybe that involves carpooling with some kids she "doesn't like." Why does the whole family revolve around her sport and her whims about who she doesn't like on the team? Tell her her choices are suck it up and carpool or don't do the travel team.

[Anonymous]

Not that my family is perfect, but you all are messed up.

[Anonymous]

Given the demands of the sport, carpooling is definitely unreasonable. Have your DD tell you who she does like on the team. There should be someone, right, because it is her team.

For the tournaments you do have to go to, are the overnight? If yes, I would get a suite or adjoining rooms (perhaps your DD could share a room with teammates) so you and your wife could have some alone time. Even if it isn't every time, now and then would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds like a brat. She's demanding that you be her chaffeeur for three seasons of travel sports because she doesn't like the other kids? She needs to learn how to get along with others. Is she a snobby cool kid or is she so socially inept or what?

What's wrong with just being on school sports teams and letting her ride in the school provided school bus to games? Who came up with this idea of travel teams where a family's like becomes all about driving kids around to play sports?

[Anonymous]

Travel sports are a huge waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

I think driving to tournaments 40 weekends a week is insane.