Toddler's disturbing comment on a playmate's skin color

[Anonymous]

The other day, my 3 year old (who is white) said one of his playmates was "bad" because this friend was "brown". I was nearly speechless--I explained that there were millions of people in the world and nearly everyone looks different from my son, that this makes the world interesting and just because someone looks different from him, he shouldn't ever think that this makes someone a bad person. I told him that he is always supposed to be nice to his friends and other people, that someone's skin color didn't make any difference--I told him that daddy and I would be very disappointed in him if he treated someone differently because of the color of his or her skin--I also reminded him that his cousins didn't look like him (they are half Chinese) and he loved them, etc.

I was really thrown for a loop--I would like to think that we are a tolerant family, with friends and family of many different ethnicities and races. His school has a great mix of people in it, students and teachers. I just don't know where he would come up with this....

Have any other readers encountered this type of thing with your children? If so, how have you dealt with it? I would appreciate your input. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

This might be a bit far off. But, Does your son watch Spiderman?

[zumbamama]

yes, when my DSD (who is white) was 3, she wouldn't talk to my mom (who is filipino). She asked if she was wearing panty hose all over her body. Perfectly innocent question at that age. I said no, her skin is brown. She said, "oh, I don't like brown people, my mom says they are bad." We explained to her as you did, and she grew to love my mom.

Kids say all kinds of un-PC things unknowingly. I've had my kids say embarrassing things around people like "Oh, she's fat," "Oh she has no hair, how ugly," etc. Like manners, social consciousness is just another lesson to learn.

I think as long as you keep talking about how you can't judge people by their color, they will learn not to make statements like those.

[Anonymous]

One of the WP columnists recently had a great anecdote like this. He picked up his daughter at pre-school, and she announced that Jenny (or whoever) was "dirty". Jenny was the only African-American child in the school. The writer says he immediately recognized this as a "teachable moment" and sat down then and there to deliver the same speech the OP gave her kid. The pre-schooler listened, nodded, but didn't seem convinced. So the dad took a deep breath and got ready to launch another gambit, at which point the teacher entered, carrying Jenny, who was covered head to toe in mud.

Point being, are you sure you understood what your child meant to say? Was the other kid bad because he was brown, or did the two have nothing to do with each other?

I wouldn't worry. If your family and social circle are as varied as you say, your child will get it eventually.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, though I wouldn't have told a three-year-old that you will be disappointed in him.

[Anonymous]

My dd did the same thing. I was shocked and embarrassed - everybody says "prejudice is learned at hom" But we NEVER said anything bad about anybody of a different race/background whatever.

Her preschool was filled with teachers of various ethnicities and kids of different backgrounds. I thought this would make diversity a part of the fiber of her being. So I was horrified when my DD made a mean comment about an african-american girl in her class. Seriously, I almost started crying. And my child saw that. And I explained to her that in our family we do not judge people or be mean to them because of their skin. How would she like it if the kids were mean to her because her eyes are green?

I gave her a speech about how people are like flowers - god made roses and daisies look different but both are beautiful. People are the same. God is still the mother of EVERYONE and she loves all her children. She would not be happy if we are mean to her child because of their color.

Corny? Perhaps. But the message got across.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the WP columnists recently had a great anecdote like this. He picked up his daughter at pre-school, and she announced that Jenny (or whoever) was "dirty". Jenny was the only African-American child in the school. The writer says he immediately recognized this as a "teachable moment" and sat down then and there to deliver the same speech the OP gave her kid. The pre-schooler listened, nodded, but didn't seem convinced. So the dad took a deep breath and got ready to launch another gambit, at which point the teacher entered, carrying Jenny, who was covered head to toe in mud.

Point being, are you sure you understood what your child meant to say? Was the other kid bad because he was brown, or did the two have nothing to do with each other?

I wouldn't worry. If your family and social circle are as varied as you say, your child will get it eventually.

I love this anecdote! I think that it is very important to ask "why" before using any incident to teach a lesson to our children. Sometimes they are no that good at expressing themselves so it is best to understand their point to view before starting the lecture. I once got very upset with my 3 yo because be announced in a room full to people that she did not love her grandmother and did not want to see her. A few days later, the incident came back to me and I sat her down as asked her why, she explained that her grandmother (my MIL) has told her that she "was going to send my mommy away". All, I could muster in response was an "oh".

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old once saw a rather large woman walking a dog and said, "Mommy, she needs to walk the dog more." They pick up on all sorts of things - and yes, things we've said! Take the time to talk it over with them. They understand more than we think they do. Scenarios like the ones above teach us that it's so important for kids to be surrounded by all types of people. My son's godparents are two gay men. My daughter understands that they are married just as Mommy and Daddy are. Exposure is so important, as is not making a big deal over what they say. Don't react in a harsh way, for example, even if what you hear out of their mouths is offensive.

[Anonymous]

nanny here for the girl who called me her slave.

she asked my why one of my friends was "brown"

they live in a "white" area and she never saw anybody of a different color until I brought this friend home...

I wonder if US is really a melting pot...

[Anonymous]

Another anecdotal experience with a young kid saying something and grown-ups misinterpreting it:

My DS was 4 and had a friend from his preschool class over to play. When I got home that night, my children's nanny ("Xxenia"), who is very dark skinned and grew up in an African nation, told me that DS's friend told her "black people are bad." Xenia and I discussed it thoroughly as we were both upset by this and did not want this child to teach my DS such terrible things. Xenia agreed I should talk to the other boy's mother because this was too serious to keep quiet about. Well, I saw the friend's mother and told her what happened. She was shocked and mystified. So... turns out the boy was really into super heros and had been playing superheros during the playdate with my son, teaching my son all about superheros. Well, in the superhero world a black costume/outfit signifies a "bad guy." He was talking about superhero costumes, not skin color! We were relieved to say the least although it did get me thinking about the inherent dangers and underlying current of racism in the whole "good guys are in white and bad guys are in black" bit... but that is a discussion for another day.

[Anonymous]

Dad here...my 3 y/o son and I were sitting at the Corner Bakery next to a black gentleman, when he exclaimed, "hey, it's Trash Gordon!" (from Sesame Street). Fortunately, I didn't have to fight the guy.

Daddio

[Anonymous]

When my son was three, we were walking along and he started talking to me about how the black people were not good and how the white people were much better. I was in the middle of a total freak out before I realized he was talking about the baseball uniforms of a game we had seen the night before.

[Anonymous]

My DS thinks that everyone who is brown is FROM Africa. Try explaining that one....well, not really. But some ARE from Africa, but some have ancestors from there who were dragged here, some are not even African, some do not liked to be called African American. I keep saying, we are all American, we are all American. We so many friends who are bi-racial and my DS does not know what to think about that...he is telling his friends "half of you is from Africa." Argh. But I love this country and I love the discussion and he is learning everyday.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think a 3 year old can understand the concept of race or even see skin color. I know for a fact that I couldn't when I was as old as 6 and 7. (Someone in my life then was black but I didn't realize it until I was an adult looking through old pictures of them. Doh!) Your DS was definately either paroting what he heard someone else say or talking about something else altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think a 3 year old can understand the concept of race or even see skin color. I know for a fact that I couldn't when I was as old as 6 and 7. (Someone in my life then was black but I didn't realize it until I was an adult looking through old pictures of them. Doh!) Your DS was definately either paroting what he heard someone else say or talking about something else altogether.

Absolutely not. My children make comments about everything, from people's size, to skin and hair color, to food preferences (our latest was about one of my son's friends who recently moved here from another country and eats what another of his friends described as "stinky rice" for lunch every day). There is a full body of literature on this topic, and most bright three-year-olds are constantly observing people around them. In most ways it's a good thing, and it's why the "teachable moment" concept is so important at this age.