Breaking the news to a friend who is experiencing fertility issues

[Dogmama]

I posted this on the expectant mother's board, and someone suggested I post here.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a really long time. She is over 40 years old, and has a number of donor eggs, sperms available so she is trying to get implanted. (I don't know if that is the lingo- but you get my drift). I have been supportive of her process and even attended doctor appointments with her. When she asked me about my plans for kids, I would tell her I did not have any plans- and truly- I did not. Until some weeks ago, when I found out that I was pregnant. It was not planned.

Now I am very excited about potentially being a mom, and I really want to share my news with her. I know she will eventually be happy for me, but I want to be able to break the news with as much sensitivity as I possibly can, and honor our friendship. What are your suggestions to do so?

FYI- I am 35 and married.

[Anonymous]

Don't mention that it wasn't planned. Even if she knows or assumes it wasn't planned, don't mention it.
"Oops" pregnancies are especially painful to hear about when you're infertile.

[Anonymous]

You might want to share the news via email (omitting the oops part) and say that you know this news might be hard for her to hear and you will understand if she needs some time and space.

I completely blew telling someone who had a miscarriage just weeks before I got pregnant. It is not a good feeling.

[Anonymous]

Email it.
I'm not ttc, and not even sure I want kids, but am single and this still is tough to hear. Email and that way she has time to gather emotions so when u talk in person she can sound happy for u

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't add the part about "this might be hard for you." That would really irritate me and be patronizing (to me).

[Anonymous]

Just spend most of the time talking about other things and don't make a big deal out of it. When I told a close friend in this situation we talked for about an hour and spent only about five minutes of that time on my pregnancy news. I took my cues from her and it didn't seem she wanted to talk about it. She has brought it up since but there are enough people to talk to about pregnancy that I don't need to talk to her about it.

[Anonymous]

Agree with not being condescending about it. Maybe say something like, "Wanted to let you know our happy news., we're expecting... due next March. we're very excited! In other news, we're going to the beach this weekend, blablabla." let her ask more questions when she is ready, dont be offended if it takes her a while.

[Anonymous]

Your sensitivity to this is really great, and means no matter how you handle it you'll probably do it well and thoughtfully.

My suggestion would also be to email her. That lets her manage her reaction, whatever it is, however she needs/wants to without worrying about its impact on you.

Then just give her a little space and let her take the lead.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the other posters about emailing. If you are really a close friend (and it sounds like you are) then if I were in her shoes I would be disappointed if you didn't share such big news personally. Just because she is struggling doesn't mean that she wouldn't be thrilled for you and want you to call her or (better) tell her in person. Doing that tells her you are important to her. You could send the same email to tons of people easily, but you can't call or have coffee with them all to share your news.

I agree with the poster who said saying "this might be hard for you" sounds condescending (even though you don't mean it that way). It also robs her of her chance to save face if it IS hard for her.

Congratulations!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the other posters about emailing. If you are really a close friend (and it sounds like you are) then if I were in her shoes I would be disappointed if you didn't share such big news personally. Just because she is struggling doesn't mean that she wouldn't be thrilled for you and want you to call her or (better) tell her in person. Doing that tells her you are important to her. You could send the same email to tons of people easily, but you can't call or have coffee with them all to share your news.

I agree with the poster who said saying "this might be hard for you" sounds condescending (even though you don't mean it that way). It also robs her of her chance to save face if it IS hard for her.

Congratulations!!

Oops! I meant "Doing that tells her that she is important to you."

[Anonymous]

As someone who struggled with infertility for more than five years and received countless pregnancy announcements from friends during that time, I suggest emailing. I was so grateful when friends would email me so I had time to process it and collect my emotions before responding to them. The surprise announcements, particularly those that were public with others present, were extremely difficult for me.

[Anonymous]

Another poster here, and I have received the news via email and was grateful that I didn't have to have a face to face interaction.

That being said, I have also felt hurt that some did not attempt tell me in person.

All this is to say... It's tricky either way.

Trust your gut and do what you think is best, you know your friend better than a bunch of strangers.