Advice needed/working and being a mom

[Anonymous]

Hello,
I am currently 20 weeks pregnant and wanted to ask a little advice from those who already have kids. I've got a chance to take a great job opportunity but want some advice from real moms on what it is like to leave your little one in childcare after maternity leave. I am trying to make a very difficult decision, however it is very difficult given I have no idea what to expect when our little miracle gets here. Is it difficult to manage it all? Dad is working full time as well. Any advice appreciated!

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 month old and am 24 weeks pregnant with #2. Both my DH and I work full time. My DS was a horrible sleeper (which I of course never anticipated!) so giving my all at work was tough until my DS was about 9 months old. It was super tough to leave him at first but since he was a fussy baby, it was also a bit of a relief to get back to work after 4 months on maternity leave. I'm not sure of your exact question but I can tell you that I have thought a number of times about changing jobs but delay it since pregnancy/ birth/ maternity leave/ breastfeeding/ working full time with an infant take a LOT out of you and I am really beholden to the good will/ good reputation that I have built up at my current workplace. Not to mention the fact that the first year of your baby's life can mean a ton of time out of the office- your baby is developing his/ her immune system so even though I breastfed, I had to take off at least once a month for say, a fever, pink eye, hand foot and mouth, vomiting etc.

Good luck to you. There are many challenges ahead but things seem to fall into place by the time baby turns one. I would probably suggest staying in your safety zone until then.

[Anonymous]

You will inevitably get answers across the board to this kind of a query - I think that everyone's way of dealing with this is quite different. And it depends on the job opportunity - how demanding will it be? how much travel? how much flexibility? how unique an opportunity will this be?

For whatever it's worth, I will tell you that I found - and I know that many friends found - that we really didn't anticipate how difficult motherhood would be, generally speaking, AND how hard it would be to transition back to work. I'm an early riser and have done a lot of rigorous things in my life and figured the sleep loss would be no big deal and after all, how hard can this motherhood thing be? Boy did I find out!! And at 3mos post-partum, I wasn't nearly mentally or physically ready to go back to a very demanding job as I'd assumed I would be. That said, I did go back - although not when and where I originally planned - and I'm fully prepared to return to work after #2 arrives in January. I live for my kid(s) but wouldn't trade my career at this stage. The job I initially returned to had very little flexibility but put me on a path to one that has all the perks I could ever want and is much better in terms of work-life balance. We found a wonderful daycare and my husband took on more stuff at home during the 2 yrs of the other job, and all in all, it was well worth the sacrifices, especially given the economy right now. That worked for us -- but I suspect every mom on this board has a unique story and many of them involve awesome caregivers - nannies, family member and daycares - and/or decisions to opt out of the workforce for awhile.

Bottom line - no one can tell you what will be the best course for you - only you really know. And ultimately you have to take a risk, because the whole process of managing a career and a child is an evolving one - what feels right at 3mos may not when you have a 1yo or a 10yo. Good luck making your decision and with your new baby!

[Anonymous]

Well, here is another story. I just has DS, and went back to work at 3 mo. I wasn't super psyched about it, however, it was also really hard being home with him too--motherhood at home full time is challenging too of course! I think my and many other's ideal situation would be part-time. That said, I found a day care I really loved. I started him part time there a couple of weeks before I went back to work, so that I could get used to it, learn how to get out of the house, try different pick-up and drop-off times with my husband, etc. At first I just tricked myself into thinking I had a (really really expensive) baby-sitter. I planned things to do on the days I dropped him off but wasnt working yet, like Dr. appointments and shopping for work clothes that fit my new body. I am lucky to work in a pretty supportive job which allows me to pump milk when I need to. I am still figuring out how to best manage my time and get all my work done, since I can't really stay late anymore, with any regularity anyway. But I am not weeping and miserable at work. I wake up an hour earlier than I need tp so I can play with my son in the morning when he is active and cheerful and awake. I like working because it works my brain and gives me something to talk about with my husband and other adults. I am also less annoyed with my husband when it isn't me staying home all day with DS

So that is my report so far--I know I will face tougher times and things always change. And I am often tired. But it can be done!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the replies---they really help to see it from moms that are already doing this! I am in a situation where I do not have to go back to work, although obviously, the 2nd paycheck never hurts! The job would be less demanding than the career I left a few months ago, but still I know that I have no idea what it will be like with a baby!

[Anonymous]

This is PP, with 3 mo. old. I also forgot to mention probably the most important thing for you--I started a new job when I was 3 months pregnant. I was desperate to get out of my last job and I told the new job when they offered it to me that I was prego so they knew what was coming. I think its important to consider the family and mom and kid friendliness of your new job, including how challenging it will be to take time off and work from home, etc. For me it worked out and I am so much happier. I mean, everyone it happier with a good job, right? But if you like to and/or need to work, it can definitely be done. Its much easier to do for a job you like than a job you don't, that is for sure.

[Anonymous]

I'm a first-time expectant mom so can't help with advice on how to balance working and being a mom yet (though I really found the responses you've gotten to be helpful), but I did just recently change jobs while pregnant. I actually found out I was pregnant and got the job offer on the same day, which was great but crazy. I have been very pleasantly surprised how supportive my new boss and coworkers have been - not only is this job a better fit for me personally, but it will be much more flexible for me as a mother. I am not thrilled with the idea of leaving my baby in daycare down the line, but it's been easier to think about knowing that I will have some options on making my work schedule flexible and that I'll be leaving my child for a job I really feel good about and want to move forward in. Much will depend on the job and organization you're considering moving to, but just wanted to say that changing jobs while pregnant can be done and can be a very positive thing.

[Anonymous]

I'm a FT WOHM mother of a six year old. I've also been single for the past four years.

The last six years have taught me a lot about flexibility, resilience, and prioritizing. It has also taught me that children are very adaptable.

You will get input from all over the spectrum, but I'll tell you that whatever you decide for you and your family is the right decision. I will also tell you that if you change your mind about some things, make and execute different decisions at some point, that's OK too.

[Anonymous]

I have a 2yr old daughter and expect a second child in February. I'm so glad I took a year off to be with DD. Now she is in daycare 10-11 hours per day -- clearly not the best situation. We're lucky not to need my salary. I will stop working when #2 is born for at least a year. I have the rest of my life to work but only this once when my infant needs me so completely.

[Anonymous]

I just started back to work about a month ago after number 3. Finding a good daycare is key to making it work. If you don't trust your provider, you will probably be miserable. Another important thing is to realize that daycare has its limits. They will do their best to follow your requests, but your child won't be the only one so your child's needs will be balanced against the group. What has always worked for me is not to try to manage the daycare time. I let the daycare put my kids on their schedule rather than asking that they follow mine - it's what would have happened anyway. They are professionals at their jobs and have been doing it way longer than I've been a mother.

As far as the home piece, I get everything ready the night before and I try hard to do things like unload the dishwasher and fold the clothes before bed. I lay everything out, especially shoes. You have years to worry about this, but some of the biggest fights can end up being about not being able to find shoes in the morning. I have bills all on automatic pay so I only have to open my mail once a month. I have meal plans that are posted on the refrigerator. Basically, the more organized you can be, the easier and more pleasant your time at home will be, which in turn will make returning to work easier.

One other thing that I have done is to figure out what my favorite things are to do with my kids and we developed our evening routine around those things. This way I don't feel like I miss the best parts of my kids' days.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It really really really depends - on you and the baby and the support from your DH.

There are countless factors to consider - when will you go to work - at 3 mo, 6 mo, 12 mo. post baby? Sorta of an important thought because infants don't have object permanence so leaving Junior at daycare (or whatever care you choose) will likely be harder on you than on the baby. Separation anxiety usually doesn't set in with a child until a little later on down the road (see "why is my baby crying in the middle of the night?" postings).

And this factor may seem bizarre (common in husbands) - is that some people aren't really into the "newborn" thing and have "trouble" bonding. But as soon as the baby is 6 months and the cuteness-factor settles in and you actually get a gummy social smile than it is a much more enjoyable stage - you may find that leaving the baby in the beginning isn't so "hard", but later on, it might be a little tougher to go to work each day as you see your baby coo, smile, make eye contact, reach for you, etc.

Other factors - you'll find some women thrive on both working and coming home to being mommy. They feel they can be a better mom even if balancing a job outside the home. For them, it is a true balance of work and family.
ON the flip side - you'll find women who couldn't dream of leaving their little miracles behind to face rush hours, dead lines, annoying co workers, and deadlines. The paycheck isn't worth the quality time at home.

Still, you'll also have to consider the feeding situation. Some mom find it difficult to pump at work (if they decide to BF) other resort to formula during the day, and the combinations are endless. It really depends on your personal preferences.

Just a few thoughts. I won't even mention my own personal choice or parenting style simply because it is irrelevant, but did want to point out a few factors that I wish someone had told me when I was in the same boat

[Anonymous]

PP, hope I'm not too late posting here.

I have been back at work for two months now, my 5 month old DD is in a day care center near my husband's work. Before DD arrived, I had no doubt I was going back to work. I make almost as much money as my DH does, I like what I do and my company is very mom-friendly, so I didn't foresee any doubts or problems with me going back ot the office. We could get by on DH's income alone but we would not save much.

It hasn't been easy but here's what has helped me handle the situation:

-DH does the drop off and pick-ups, so I don't have to experience leaving her at the day care center.
-I came back part-time with Wednesdays off, so I have her all to myself once a week.
-In the mornings, DH makes the bottles and packs her bag while I breastfeed her and get her cleaned up and changed, with about a half hour to just play and cuddle.
-DH takes her for a walk at lunch time and calls me so I can hear her and sends me pictures of their outing.
-The main teacher in DD's room loves to spend time with her since she is the only baby girl in a room of six, she is always holding her or playing with her or getting her to sleep.
-I pump at work.

What I found the hardest at first was not being away from her all day but how little time I would spend with her on weekdays (other than Wednesdays). She put herself on a new schedule on her first day at day care, going to sleep by 7:30 PM at the latest. She gets home at 6:30 so I only have one hour with her awake which I spend breastfeeding her and getting her ready for bed. It was very hard to put her to bed so early but once I came to terms with this, DH and I enjoy our time together, we make dinner, eat, talk, and cuddle up on the couch for a TV show some nights.

The other thing that I've found hard is taking care of the house. DH is a great Dad and a great husband but not always on the same page with me about cleaning and straightening out the house. I've had to relax my standards and do a lot of stuff after DD goes to sleep, and ignore the rest since I cannot get to it all most of the time. As long as we have clean clothes to wear and clean kitchen and bathrooms, we are good.

The other thing that has been hard is sleeping. I'm the one that does the middle of the night feeding between 2-4 AM and sometimes have a hard time getting back to sleep. Sometimes I'm a bit zombie-like at work but nothing a Coke couldn't fix.

In all, I don't regret coming back to work. With the state of the economy, it makes me feel better to think I'm contributing to our savings and that we would have my job if something were to happen to DHs. I hope to continue this as long as it works for us.

Congratulations on your baby and good luck to you! Hope you find a system that works for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Full-time working mom of two here. All of the above comments are very astute and right on. Everyone is different. But I thought I would share with you some advice my sister gave me when I was pregnant the first time and thought about staying home. She told me to give going back to work a shot. If it doesn't work out, then quit. But it's better to at least try it to see if it's for you than to quit your job to stay home only to regret it soon after.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Anonymous]

I agree about giving it a try! It's usually easier to quit a job you already have than to re-enter the workforce after being away for some time.

I struggled a lot after returning to work when my daughter was six months old, but I am really glad I stuck with it. At six months, she was just starting to get more interactive and I was still very attached to her and didn't like leaving her behind But, I think in the long-run, it was the definitely the right decision! In fact, I've found a fabulous new job that I start after my daughter turns one.

The ideal for me would be one year of maternity leave and then returning part-time until my children are a little older. There are more options for moms these days but we still lag behind many industrialized nations!

Good luck with your decision, OP.